Snowflakes

The cars couldn’t drive properly anymore. It had been snowing for days on end and even now there were big, chunky snowflakes falling from above.

I know I should go outside and scrape the ice and snow from my car, but I can’t stop thinking about the last time I had seen that much snow.

***

”Stop it!” My sister shrieked, all the while giggling. 

My father had been chasing her around and throwing snow into her face whenever he got close enough. By now they were both breathless and their cheeks as red as the Christmas ornaments we had hanging on the tree in the living room. 

Even though my sister was only one and a half years older we did not look similar at all.

Sometimes when I looked into the mirror above the sink in our shared bathroom, I tried to smile the way she always would. I tried to look as friendly and approachable as my sister did without even trying. 

People were always drawn to her and her bright, sparkling eyes.

But me, with dark eyes and a smile that looks crooked and unsure… let’s say I don’t exactly have a crowd around me.

However my sister often mentions she wished people would just leave her alone and not stare to her every time she left the house.

I was distracted from my thoughts when I heard my father plopping down onto the sofa next to me with a content sigh. 

“Why don’t you kids go and play outside a little? Your mom and I have to prepare some things for the following days.” 

I immediately frowned at him and put on my best pouting face “But i don’t wanna go outside it’s so cold.”

”Come onnn, we can build a snowman or maybe go sledding.” My sister declared while already pulling me off the sofa in the direction of the front door.

I was still pouting but the idea of racing my sister down a hill excited me and so i put on my shoes, gloves and winter jacket rather quickly.

As soon as I stepped through the door the cold air hit me like a brick and I hugged my sister’s arm in hopes of sharing body warmth.

Sweet as she was she would just smile down at me and pet me on the head.

A few moments later we stood on top of the highest hill we could find near our house and sat on our respective sleds.

”Ready, set, go!!” We screamed simultaneously, grinning from ear to ear.

I started pretty slow but as my sled gained speed I could feel the breath being knocked from my chest.

My sister was a few feet in front of me and to the left so she couldn’t see what I saw.

And what I saw was stone.

In middle of the white blanket that the hill was covered in, I saw a small rock right in the my sister’s path.

I started screaming at the top of my lungs but she only turned her head and looked at me confused.

In the end the rock turned out not to have that big of an impact. It was more like a speed bump to my sister.

But in all my excitement I had forgotten to look where I was going.

And I was heading straight into a tree.

She ran over, pushed me out of the way and thanks to her quick reflexes I got away without even a scrape on my body.

I was okay.

But my sister was not.

She had hit her head on the tree, causing a fatal head trauma.

She died in the hospital, on another day of relentless snow.

***

My sister’s death feels like another lifetime ago but I’m still not able to enjoy the view of falling snow without thinking about her, lying in the snow, her blood staining the white snow so, so quickly.

I had moved to the south as soon as I could start going to college.

My parents assured me that I could stay but we all knew that they couldn’t even look at me without seeing her radiating smile.

And so I left them behind, and with them the mountains and the beautiful snowflakes.

I only came back this year because my best friend from highschool was getting married and she had always dreamed of getting married “like an ice princess”, as she liked to put it.

After all this time I’m back here in the same house that we used to be such a happy family in.

Wandering through the rooms I sometimes to hear my sister laughing or see a shadow running through the hallway at breakneck speed.

But the disappointing truth is that I can’t even remember the exact features of her face or what her favorite outfit to wear was. 

As I look through her old room - left untouched by our parents, creating the illusion that she would come back any second now - an idea came to my mind.

I want to remember her. I want to hear her soft breath when she falls asleep on the couch during a boring movie but most of all I want to see the stars sparkle in her eyes again as she laughs. 

Maybe it will spark my memory if I just… If I just try it.

So there I am, standing on top of that same hill looking down on the glistening snow.

They removed the tree a few days after the incident.

My heart feels like it is being teared to shreds but I take a deep breath and sit down on my sled.

As the wind whips through my hair and I almost fly over the fresh snow, I swear I could hear her laugh giddily right beside me.

That laugh sparked so many memories. 

She snored sometimes and there were only a few days when one could see her without her dungarees and worn out yellow T-Shirt.

I remember all these details now.

At the end of the hill I finally come to a slow stop and turn my face upwards, toward the sky.

I can finally bear the feeling of snowflakes on my face.