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From: sky@milkyway.net.sol
Sent: Friday, June 13, 2025 1:22 PM
To: earth@milkyway.net.sol
Subject: Ape infestation?
Hey Earth,
It's been a while since I touched base. You've really been letting yourself go. Have you noticed your surface is swarming with apes and their creations? I knock off for the day and I’ve still got lights blearing back at me from your dark side. Also, they've set the heating on all day and all night and I'm getting a bit parched (so typical - you complain that it's too bloody cold in the office and then they make it too hot!). I thought you had some kind of counter measures to prevent your apex predators from overrunning? And I hear they’re looking to build spacefaring vessels and move onto other planets too? What if the boss finds out we’ve got a division-wide infestation? Then you’re really in the shit. The Earth I knew would have nipped this in the bud millennia ago. I’ll admit I was going to lodge a complaint against you about the hole your little pets made in me above your big southern continent a few decades ago but that seems to have been patched up, so I guess you aren't totally asleep at the wheel. Still, you've gone soft. Where's the lava-drenched wrath of a big ol' volcano.? The thunder of continental earthquakes?
Hey, here's an idea, I have on good authority that there's an enormous asteroid heading our way. If you can take the pain, I'll add some of my special fiery sauce to it as it flies through me. Come on, it'll be just like old times when the lizards got too big for their boots.
Regards,
Sky
P.S. I’ve heard rumours from the planetary union that some of the other planets are getting fed up with you always sitting in the plum position. The boss’s little pet planet they call you. Mercury is steaming. Jupiter’s eye turns red as soon as he thinks of it. Everyone further than Saturn is giving you the cold shoulder. You’ve got to give it up at some point and let another have a go in the sweet spot. I can’t protect you forever.
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From: earth@milkyway.net.sol
Sent: Friday, June 13, 2025 2:35 PM
To: sky@milkyway.net.sol
Subject: RE: Ape infestation?
Sky,
You’ve got a lot of nerve reaching out after all this time. It’s bad enough that I have to stare at your blue backside all day long, but to be lectured by you on affairs in my department is a bit rich. And to call me fat right to my face may as well be the death knell of our “friendship”, not to mention I’ve half a mind to report you to HR for harassment.
Screw it - I may as well tell you: these apes I’ve let run loose over my surface are my revenge on you for standing me up for 4 million years while you stare longingly at little Ms Moon in reception, as if that stony-faced bitch is anything but a pockmarked bimbo. I never thought you’d go grey, no less for a tramp like that.
As you have no doubt observed, these overdeveloped apes are the perfect vessels of my vengeance; they pollute you, they overheat you, they put holes in you (unfortunately they fixed that themselves, the little bastards). And, greatest of all gifts, they have invented weapons that can ruin your atmosphere entirely. One day they will use these weapons on themselves and rid me of both them and you, you two-faced son of a stratosphere.
As for the other planets, they've been gossiping since the beginning of time that Mr Sun and I have had "relations" outside of work, and even, sometimes at work, which is why he gives me the best spot in the system. You don't think I've had to deal with these kinds of comments all my life? Because I'm beautiful they think I must have been bonking the boss to get where I am today. They can shove it. If they have a problem, they can take it up with the division chief in Alpha Centauri. As for me, I'm sick of hearing about, most of all from you.
It's clear we should never have started this workplace dalliance in the first place and when this whole merger with Andromeda is done and dusted, so are we. Then you’ll be free to run away with your hoary whore.
Regards,
Earth
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From: mars@milkyway.net.sol
Sent: Sunday, May 16, 2052 9:34 AM
To: earth@milkyway.net.sol
Cc: jupiter@milkyway.net.sol
Subject: Elon’s interstellar busk
Hey Earth,
Ah, just a small thing, but some of your apes seemed to have escaped your orbit, and are now crawling all over me. I don’t think I can handle this. We’re going to have to fumigate before the office is overrun. They used to just send their remote-control toys, but this is a next level nuisance. Their lead ape is an odd one. Despite this breed of ape’s preference for being hairless, this one has had fake hairs inserted into his scalp, and he seems to have brought all three hundred and six of his oddly named children with him with which to populate me with. They’re setting up terraforming thingamajigs as I write this. If they succeed, I’ll have to share my cubical with an oxygen heavy douchebag like Sky (please don’t cc him into any future replies). They’ve also brought with them the embalmed body of an orange orangutang which apparently used to be a world leader on your surface? Can you confirm such a thing was possible on your watch? I’m not criticizing, it just doesn’t seem like you that’s all. Do you think there are more coming? What about the lizards, are they still a big deal? Anyway, my department doesn’t have the resources to deal with this. I can barely conjure up a strong wind these days.
Sorry to do this, but I have to cc in Jupiter, as, next in line, he needs to know if he’s about to get aped.
Cheers,
Mars
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From: jupiter@milkyway.net.sol
Sent: Sunday, May 16, 2052 9:35 AM
To: mars@milkyway.net.sol; earth@milkyway.net.sol
Cc: sun@milkyway.net.sol
Subject: Elon’s interstellar busk
THOSE DAMN DIRTY APES BETTER KEEP THEIR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME. I WILL NOT ABIDE A SIMIAN INVASION. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. I WILL DEVOUR THEIR SOULS. I WILL CRUSH THEIR PUNY BODIES WITHIN MY UNENDING GIRTH.
KIND REGARDS,
JUPITER
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From: sun@milkyway.net.sol
Sent: Sunday, May 16, 2052 10:12 AM
To: mars@milkyway.net.sol; earth@milkyway.net.sol; jupiter@milkyway.net.sol
Subject: Elon’s interstellar busk
Hi all,
Let’s all just lighten up a bit, hey? Mars, I know you’re feeling a bit burnt out, and Jupiter, let’s try to turn down the heat a little, ok? Now, Earth, if you could kindly illuminate what is going, I’m sure it will kindle our understanding of your perspective.
Ta,
Mr Sun
P.S. Mars, don’t forget its loud shirt Friday! You’ve “forgotten” the last 17 million times. I’ll be wearing something so bright you’ll have to avert your eyes! C’mon, chin up, even Jupiter is getting in on the fun!
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From: sun@milkyway.net.sol
Sent: Sunday, May 16, 2052 10:13 AM
To: mars@milkyway.net.sol; earth@milkyway.net.sol; jupiter@milkyway.net.sol
Subject: Elon’s interstellar busk
MY SHIRT WILL DESTROY ALL WHO WITNESS IT WITH ITS MAGNIFICENCE. THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS.
KIND REGARDS,
JUPITER
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From: earth@milkyway.net.sol
Sent: Sunday, May 16, 2052 10:25 AM
To: mars@milkyway.net.sol; sun@milkyway.net.sol; jupiter@milkyway.net.sol
Subject: Elon’s interstellar busk
Hi all,
Mars, I’m sorry about the ape spillage into your area. I didn’t mean for them to get that far. But I have it on good authority that the lead ape is a massive tool, even by ape standards, so the colony is sure to fail miserably and with maximum loss of life. Nothing to worry about long-term.
Mr Sun, I’ve got it all under control. You’ve always given me full creative rights, and I’ve never let you down on a project. I know I’m keeping this one pretty close to the chest, but I promise it will pan out and my house will be cleaner by the time of the merger. Trust me.
And Jupiter - I cannot wait to be knocked out of orbit by the awesomeness of your shirt.
Regards,
Earth
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From: venus@milkyway.net.sol
Sent: Monday, September 12, 4,632,778,774 10:12 AM
To: earth@milkyway.net.sol
Subject: Merger Smerger
Hi Earth!
Well, looks like the merger didn’t turn out quite as we expected, huh? 5 billion years of committees and paperwork just for a shuffle at the executive level. I’m at least glad you were able to get that Sky creepo fired. They always said you were ruthless but, damn girl, talk about two birds with one stone - ape infestation and two-timing atmosphere in one go. But, you know, it’s a gas giant’s universe out there so we rockettes have to do what we have to to get to the top. My atmosphere, he’s a doll - you know our department is way higher pressure than yours, but we’ve kept it together for so long now that I’d be lost without him. But we’ve always had a strictly no dating policy so that’s our secret to success – APFP*. Anyhoo, I’ll see on the next orbit! :)
Catchya,
Venus
P.S. Are you coming to Mr Sun’s retirement party? I have to say I can’t look at him with a straight face since he got so red and fat! To think he used to be such a hunk. The end of an era!
*Always Platonic for Planets
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