The Soldier of Solitude

They lie so, so happily together over in the grass. I bet he had packed their picnic in that basket and planned the whole thing. I bet she readied herself so excitedly, listening to her favorite songs and humming along to each one. Unsure of where they were going, she probably changed a dozen times, trying to find an outfit that showed off her "best" features and made her look good but not like she was trying to hard or if they were to go somewhere more casual she wouldn't be overdressed but if they were going somewhere classier then she wouldn't be under-dressed. When he rung her doorbell, I bet she had a change of heels and a different jacket than the pink sweater she wore now, at the door and peeked at first to see how he dressed; bless my apartment door for having the peephole in door I could view my dates before answering the door juggling my change of accessories. I bet this man here brought her flowers to show how much he adored this girl; no one ever brings their one night stand flowers. God why must these two laugh so loud and...be so in love.

Oh boy, it's a dog.

What time is it...7:15? Okay I still have thirty minutes before dark. Maybe I can get off a little earlier and be able to get a little longer outside. This is much nicer than the gym though, especially since there's no creep ogling me on the treadmill next to mine during my cool-down. I hope he's not there again tomorrow morning...but if it's not him it's always someone.

I remember when we had a dog like that. A boxer. Scrappy, that was his name. God they loved that dog more than me. They TALKED to that dog more than me. Fucking dogs.

I hope my next date at least takes me on a evening stroll. Friday was..well,something at least. But sheesh. He was 40 though. That's double your age. Damn, at least he bought dinner and everything and...well yeah he was in total denial he was divorced but come on. he could have at least hide the phone when his kid called. Heck maybe if you let him stick around he'd pay off that student debt that's racking up. Might be fun to play mommy with someone else's kids...no this kid sounded at least 12...and that's literally 8 years younger than you. Good grief.

This elderly couple must have been together for centuries. My goodness how much longer until my parents decide to wear matching windbreakers? No I doubt they ever will; mom ignores father half the time and father is too tied down with his rum to ever leave the television set and his armchair past 7:30. I wonder if they even talk anymore. When did I last talk...oh last Christmas? Jeez, girl. I miss mom.

Dogs. So many FREAKING DOGS. God but like it's strange to bring your cat out with you in public.

That's right, girl, smile at the happy family with their children on bicycles. Remember how well they have their lives together. They probably will all go home tonight and the woman will get all three rascals cleaned up and ready for bed. Dang that's a cool red bike; I miss my purple one with the pink streamers I had when I was...what, 6? I wonder if these are his kids or if she remarried him and these are just her children? I hope he's an amazing father to them and a great husband to her. Her first husband was a horrible douche and probably doesn't even like his kids. Damn, they probably have to see him at least ever other weekend. I'm glad she found this guy though. I bet he holds her at night the way the other guy never had...god I want to be held.

I want a family. I want to be called "mommy" and...I wanted him to call me "honey". No, you idiot, don't cry in public. God I want to be held and...and for us to have three kids. A boy and a girl and...well either for the third. And their names would be Ryder, Skylar, and Walker and god, they'd be the coolest kids. I'd be such a cool, carefree mom, unlike mom. I'm not going to track them. I would trust them and let them hang out with people and...experience lives on their own and guide them when they needed me. God I hope they'd love me...God, I hope they'd trust me more than I trusted her. They'd tolerate each other more than me and Sadie did...stupid daddy's little princess. We'd grow flowers in our yard and...our home. Our home would be white and older with character and he'll mow the lawn but when the kids are older he'd teach them how to do it. We'd have family bike rides and will bike every trail together, especially on nights as lovely as this. And we'd let the kids play on the playground and me and him would push them in the swings and listen to their sweet little laughs and he'd put his arm around me and just laugh at them because he was just that happy.And oh maybe we'd get a...

Stop. Stop hurting yourself like this. He won't be back and this future you're planning...it's...it's just not a possibility. Now, continue on with this silly walk, it'll be dark soon and you must go home. Go home to what you have.

Don't make eye contact with that same family.

Speed past the slow windbreaker couple.

Stupid fucking dogs.

God, they're still lying in the grass?

Go home to your apartment with...well you have your plants. Maybe tomorrow I'll pick up some flowers at the stand; the tulips are quite lovely this spring. I need to water the ferns when I get home.

How much is an animal deposit again? $600???

Well, I can manage that I guess.