Stitches

I feel like writing a piece. Out of pure pleasure and free. My bf hates that. But here I go. I don't have much right now. We went out last night. I looked nice. He was proud to have me by his side. We can't wait for the apartment. More clothes...he wants his office. I the kitchen. We dream of these materials that matter. If only for a season. I started thinking about this shirt I found and wore last night. .y favorite. Looks good 👌 on me. And certain outfits stick out my whole life. Things I remember having. That dotted dress I wore navy blue with white spots. I felt pretty that day of my fourth grade outing to Jefferson City...and the court system we adventured on. I remember this bathing suit. It was neon orange and black. I loved the way the colors looked on me. The dark tuquoise coat I got handed when my grandma died. I cried when I lost that long coat jacket. The beanie I made in the midst of my storm in zero degree weather. Trying to stay warm in bad company. Nothing but drugs and time to abide. It was green. Nothing but a hand me down. And somehow got a dab of white paint on it before coming to my possession. I then went on to fix it with paint markers put in my reach and made a butterfly and two little ones for my babies that I was working so hard to keep in my graces. I also wrote mom on it. It was cute. It looked good on me. I remember falling asleep at Starbucks only to wake up with a five by my head. It was dead cold. I had nowhere to go. But that hat said it all to a person who reached out their heart to me. That five meant cigarettes and I would live to see another day without frustration. All these threads and close I loose track of like time. Just different memories. My life stitched together through the simple fabric that clothed me. And it had to go away. Weather outgrown or torn and old or misplaced. Memories are only where we leave them. Materials always can be replaced. New beginnings and new places to be. They aren't permanent. I managed to hold onto a heart charm of my mother's I wear around my neck. I'm proud of it. And it was my mother's. That makes it even more special. But it's not the necklace that I hold dear. It's the memories that come with it. I get compliments on it. It's nice to have. But it isn't much without me. We are more important than the things we own around us. That we wear. I swore I'd never be that middle aged women wearing cheap off brand stuff. I also never cared for extravagant. And when I had the most expensive bags and things and they got stolen. Well it still stings. The relic wallet and leather bag. The Vera Wang purse...never again. Lol. Miss that super nice stuff and the clothes. But they don't make the memories. They mark them. Our hearts should be handled more careful than precious stones and jewelry. Our memories should be made with buying good times and loving each other. No beautiful dress or expensive shoes should replace the value of our lives. We need good clothes. We need comfortable shoes. Pieces that make us stand out. But I remember never wanting to be that old lady who had to settle for Walmart brand clothing. Man and to see it in youth. Overpaying for things that don't matter. Watching them make the same frivolous purchases. Makes me feel old. But not ashamed. In fact I found myself saying. Man I was stupid. That should have been money to take my family out to dinner. It should have been invested for more secure things. We loose alot in life and through that we learn. Where is that black leather jacket I just had to have instead of karate lessons? It held no value. Materials never will. Memories. The heart. The lives we touch around us. That is value. I'll never be afraid to start over. Loosing things is fine. We can always possess more. What is more important than that. It's happiness and moving forward. We are human. We like things. We have favorite things. Funiture, dishes...ect. But leaving it behind doesn't loose it. And we can't let anything hold us back from our happiness. It's freeing to shed that weight. It makes me invincible loosing things I thought made my life what it was. It never was. And we might have to just pick up and leave it all behind someday. We all eventually do. It doesn't even go to the grave. While family fights over it. A diamond is expensive. It could feed starving children for months. And that is real treasure. Life. We must embrace it. Wear it warm and loosely like a scarf around the neck. I choose to wrap life around me. And love those closest in my circle and create the ripples of events outward into my universe. We should not be judged by what we own and possess. But we should be judged by who we are. And so many times do I see the judgement of others and the way materials change my status and how I am received by the world with even a nice hand bag or cute outfit. I've been judged for having less than what the average person has. And I was seen as less. But that no longer defines me. It's not important how I receive people and their discernment on me. It's always been what I gave. Love...my favorite pink shawl to a homeless girl when I first got to town. I knew she needed more than I. And it's missed. But it's use is more helpful with her. And here I am. I've been broke. We have started with nothing. It's been the help of family friends and strangers. The giving of others that will bring us up and out. May we never let riches take our hearts and what is most important. Love. Comfort. Joy. Laughter. These things noone can ever take away. And if someone doesn't see the invisible worth. Well...good riddance. Enjoy your fake ass life.