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Submitted to: Contest #54
Written in response to: "Write a story about high school sweethearts coming across one another after many, many years apart."
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8 comments
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Interesting story. I would lose the thesaurus, though. Too many big, fancy words detract from the narrative. You have a potentially powerful story of love, hate redemption, murder, and insanity, but it loses a lot of punch because it has a false sound to it. Sometimes simple is better.
There are a few words used incorrectly. For example, a tarp doesn't move "fluently". Better to just say "A blue tarp covered the roof, a loose corner flapping in the wind." Simple and to the point.
You have a few unexplained situations, too. Why was the town so poor? A little background here would go a long way to explain the overall situation. Also, what was Justin's relationship with the narrator? Why had the relationship ended? Why was he still involved with the narrator's family if they broke up the couple? How could the narrator feel the same way about Justin after seeing her father's rotting corpse in the next room? Why would he just leave a sick, elderly woman living in squalor with a dead body? For days or weeks? It begs the question, what the hell's wrong with him? Is he an abuser like her father? Is this why she so meekly acquiesced to dumping Dad's body in the well? (Shades of "Dolores Clayborn" btw. )
And at the end, she tells Justin to fix the roof after a ten year leak. Has he been living there? The story would make more sense if Justin was a younger brother rather than a former boyfriend.
You have some interesting plot points, but this story, unfortunately, would benefit most from a total rewrite. Sorry🙁
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I do not use a thesaurus. I just appreciate the complexity of words and contexts. Your negative feedback leaves me to experience feelings of great paltry. It was my intention to leave many open ended questions as a means to subject others to the process of thought and unpredictability. Uncertainty is a context that many stray from. Predictability, to my surmise, is stilted and monotonous. Your feedback is venerated. I'll take this into cogitation, and be more cognizant of what readers want. My condolences for the trepidation you incurred from my writing, or lack there of.
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I'm sorry for being blunt, but I believe that you can do better.
You have some great ideas, and your detailed description of the town was good. Don't let your good points get buried under a blizzard of words. Sometimes simple is good, and it can be even more challenging to use everyday vernacular and do it well.
The entire purpose of participating in this workshop is to refine your skills.
Learning is silence, growing is pain, fruit comes from the pollen of knowledge.
Become the blossom.
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No, I appreciate the honesty. You are correct. I'm learning to adjust to the simplicity of things. This learning curve from poetry to short stories has proven more challenging than I had initially thought.
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I don't see why you can't incorporate your poetry into your stories. Perhaps as a quoted song lyric, or as the story itself. Shakespeare is written in iambic pentameter, but one forgets that as one is drawn into the narrative. I read a book years ago titled "Watermelon Wine" that was a novel written in poetry form. It was very different and fun. Think Procol Harum's "Whiter Shade Of Pale" or "Tales Of Brave Ulysses" but longer. Or "Beowulf". An epic poem is a lot of work but what fun!
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I hadn't taken that into consideration, but it is a wonderful suggestion.
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Did you mean it to be all bold?
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Yes.
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