8 comments

Romance

 Returning to her hometown after a decade of absence was peculiar. She'd been estranged from her parents for quite some time. Only recently had her mother fallen ill and requested to make amends. With no intentions vaguely familiar but some how more solemn. Many of the buildings were dilapidated and had paint flaking from every corner. The streets were riddled with potholes and cracks as far as the eye could see. The towns people didn't seem to fare any better. There were multiple disheveled families who hadn't eaten. Others were overwrought with guilt and depression. A whole town overrun by penury and desolation. The wild ivy had been the only thing that grew abundantly and prosperous. She took a look at what was once her childhood home. Now it was just the shoddy remnants of what once was a beautiful home. Bright blue tarp flapped fluently atop the roof in the summer wind. Each window tinted by layers of dust almost as if it were abandoned. The woman trotted through the knee-high grass and gently began to knock on the door. A voice from afar could be heard shouting, "Come on in!" She made her way through piles of clutter to finally reach the entry of what should be a living room. Shaking her head in pure revulsion the woman couldn't believe the condition this place was in. "Momma, how could you allow yourself to live this way?" The frail older woman had a look of dismay as she shrugged her shoulders. The daughter just stood amidst the agglomeration mouth agape in perturbation. Her eyes began to swell with tears as she got a huge whiff of the rancid smell of cat urine and rotting meat. Quickly she turned and began making her way back to the door. The debilitated woman began to plead, "Please! Please! Please! Don't go away!" The young woman had made up her mind she was leaving this god forsaken town, or what was left of it anyway. But a familiar voice stopped her dead in her tracks. A voice she hadn't heard in many years. She turned hastily only to catch a glance at the rugged features of an unfamiliar face. The tall, scrawny figure blurted, "Yes, it's really me. Don't I look awfully funny?" She couldn't believe how much he'd changed in ten years. He'd matured. His face now bore more than stubble he had actual beard hairs. The wirily young man stood there gauntly. His bright blue eyes gleamed in the sunlight. His smile was as warm as the summer sun. For a brief moment everything was just as it had been. The sound of her mother's shrill voice quickly brought her back to reality, " I called Justin. Justin is here to help me too." She shot an angry glare at her mother, but before she could speak the young man wrapped his arms around her and in a harsh whisper muttered the words, "I've missed you." He gently kissed the top of her head as she bore her face into his chest. She managed to relinquish a muffled reply, "I'll stay." The one thing that she couldn't bare to do was leave the one she loved yet again. Her mother knew this and bluntly used it to her advantage. The ailing mother now had twice the leverage in her arsenal. With promises of leaving and having a better life the woman took her lovers word. They held onto each other for what seemed like an eternity before making their way back into the cluttered house. Once inside the young couple moved a couple layers before taking a seat. Hours went by spent talking about the good old days. The ailing mother had a smile upon her face for the first time in a long while. It was then the young woman noticed a peculiar absence. Her father was no where in sight. She looked around curiously and began to stammer, "Where is dad?" Justin's had gone silent. His blood ran ice cold as the color drained from his face. The ailing mother stood up, "Come with me." Trotting through piles of boxes the women made their way towards the back of the house. It was then she was hit with the most pungent smell. There in the corner was her father's rotting corpse. His face contorted into an expression of fear. Protruding from the side of the man's neck was an old pair of sheers. The woman full of trepidation asked, "Mother, what have you done?" Avoiding direct eye contact the frail women gripped the door facing as she plopped down on a nearby box. The young man then entered placing his hand on the young woman's shoulder. " Your father and I got into an argument over money. He'd retrieved his double barrel shotgun and was coming after me. Your mother saved me." She stood frozen in fear. Her eyes fixated on the rotting body. After all the years of abuse that she suffered at her fathers hand she couldn't believe that it was really finally over. The young couple retrieved the tarp from the leaky roof and proceeded to wrap up the corpse. She glanced at her lover and whispered, "We have to stay." He nodded his head in agreement. The young couple struggled with the carcass as they drug it out back to the well. It was an old well that hadn't been in use for quite some time. The depth of the hole was an estimated thirty feet. Perfect for concealing a body. By the time they got back to the decrepit house it was already dark. The ailing woman lay peacefully on the couch. She had fell fast asleep, but this time she wouldn't wake. The daughter kissed her mother upon her cheek before wrapping the deceased with her favorite blanket. Digging through his pocket the man pulled out an outdated cellular device and began dialing. After the coroner came to pick up the body the young woman turned to her long lost lover demandingly, "It's been ten years I think it's time you finally fixed that roof leak."

August 09, 2020 02:56

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8 comments

02:59 Aug 20, 2020

Interesting story. I would lose the thesaurus, though. Too many big, fancy words detract from the narrative. You have a potentially powerful story of love, hate redemption, murder, and insanity, but it loses a lot of punch because it has a false sound to it. Sometimes simple is better. There are a few words used incorrectly. For example, a tarp doesn't move "fluently". Better to just say "A blue tarp covered the roof, a loose corner flapping in the wind." Simple and to the point. You have a few unexplained situations, too. Why was the town...

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Hel Knightly
17:55 Aug 20, 2020

I do not use a thesaurus. I just appreciate the complexity of words and contexts. Your negative feedback leaves me to experience feelings of great paltry. It was my intention to leave many open ended questions as a means to subject others to the process of thought and unpredictability. Uncertainty is a context that many stray from. Predictability, to my surmise, is stilted and monotonous. Your feedback is venerated. I'll take this into cogitation, and be more cognizant of what readers want. My condolences for the trepidation you incurred fro...

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03:26 Aug 21, 2020

I'm sorry for being blunt, but I believe that you can do better. You have some great ideas, and your detailed description of the town was good. Don't let your good points get buried under a blizzard of words. Sometimes simple is good, and it can be even more challenging to use everyday vernacular and do it well. The entire purpose of participating in this workshop is to refine your skills. Learning is silence, growing is pain, fruit comes from the pollen of knowledge. Become the blossom.

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Hel Knightly
16:02 Aug 21, 2020

No, I appreciate the honesty. You are correct. I'm learning to adjust to the simplicity of things. This learning curve from poetry to short stories has proven more challenging than I had initially thought.

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18:26 Aug 27, 2020

I don't see why you can't incorporate your poetry into your stories. Perhaps as a quoted song lyric, or as the story itself. Shakespeare is written in iambic pentameter, but one forgets that as one is drawn into the narrative. I read a book years ago titled "Watermelon Wine" that was a novel written in poetry form. It was very different and fun. Think Procol Harum's "Whiter Shade Of Pale" or "Tales Of Brave Ulysses" but longer. Or "Beowulf". An epic poem is a lot of work but what fun!

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Hel Knightly
18:32 Aug 27, 2020

I hadn't taken that into consideration, but it is a wonderful suggestion.

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Aditya Pillai
04:27 Aug 11, 2020

Did you mean it to be all bold?

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Hel Knightly
13:44 Aug 11, 2020

Yes.

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