The Last Hurrah

If 30 is the new 20, and 50 is the new 30...then what does that make 40?

Karen felt tired. Very tired. Not just because she was newly divorced, but because of everything. The truth is Karen didn't have much of a childhood. She became an orphan at 10 years old. A story her relatives still hush to a whisper to share: "Poor little orphan Karen. She didn't ask for any of this. What do we do now?". 

Nobody wanted to take sole responsibility for Karen. Both her parents came from big families and hadn't named godparents because nobody expects to die at 35, leaving your only child...and they figured if anything were to happen - their families were large enough and Karen would find a home, a new place to settle. 

That's exactly what Karen didn't find. Because nobody wanted to claim sole responsibility for "poor little orphan Karen" they decided on a multi-house arrangement. 

Yep, I'm as confused as you are; but they decided that Karen would live with each aunt/uncle - who had the space - for a few months of the year. 

At first it sounded cool. Flights and road trips all across the state and even sometimes to different states. Karen felt like she was going to see the world and have so many adventures. But, in hindsight, maybe all she needed was a stable home. 

The novelty of the travelling wore off quickly. Especially when she had to keep changing schools. For one half of the school year she'd be in one school and then by the second term she would be in another. This continued for three years before she found the courage to write a note to the aunt she felt closest to - Violet - her mother's younger sister. She was staying with her father's eldest sister at the time - Millicent - who was upset that she preferred to write and mail a letter across the state instead of talk to her. 

But Millicent was strict and Karen didn't speak much when she stayed with her because she was never sure of what would upset her aunt. Violet - on the other hand - she only saw on special occasions because she was studying Psychology at the University of Miami. Violet was the youngest of all her aunts and she felt more comfortable talking to her. The fact that she wrote a letter...and mailed it...instead of making a phone call or sending an email was something Violet thought about for a long time. 

The thing is...with all the moving around to different relatives Karen hadn't found her voice. She was always told to be quiet and she was never sure what would offend or bother her cousins...so she said nothing. Well, not entirely nothing - but she limited her interactions to answering questions like "how was your day" and "what do you want for dinner "? 

Karen already felt like a burden to her family, so the less she spoke the better. Every few days she wondered if the world would just take her back. I know it sounds weird but she wanted to disappear. Not that she wanted to appear in any other place, she just wanted to disappear altogether. She already felt invisible, so disappearing shouldn't be that hard. But each day she woke up and was still in her "suitcase life". 

She had two suitcases she moved around with at all times. Her aunts and uncles would swap out the clothes and shoes as she outgrew them. This was the part Karen didn't like. She wanted to keep all the clothes her parents bought for her, She wanted to hold on to their scent and squeeze her almost womanly curves into them still. At 13 she ripped her favourite pair of shorts and decided it might be time to allow her uncle to buy her new clothes. 

That was a bit of an awkward moment. Why couldn't the shorts have ripped when she was with Aunt Shelly? She was the fashionista and would've gotten her some cool clothes. Instead, they ripped at Uncle Bill - her father's brother who was a farmer and bought his clothes the same place he bought his wheelbarrow. 

Now that Bill had bought her clothes, the other aunts and uncles started buying her clothes too. So now she had to remember who bought what and when to wear it so they could see her wearing it. She figured out that she was obligated to do this after one too many "where's that nice____ I bought you".

I'm just gonna come out and say it. This is a lot for any child to handle. Especially a child who lost both parents at 10 years old and who hadn't been to therapy because "this family is all the healing you'll need". When her Aunt Maureen had said this - her mother's eldest sister - it had sounded comforting at the time. Now Karen wondered if they had diffeent definitions of the word "healing". 

Because she had to be whoever her aunts and uncles wanted her to be when she visited - she didn't develop a personality of her own. She played so many characters and had so few friends that it didn't seem worth it anyway. The few friends she made were only for a time, because she didn't own a cellphone so she couldn't keep in touch when she went to visit another uncle or aunt.

By the time she went back to these schools nobody remembered her either. So at 13, she decided to go the school library to research online/ home schooling options. She knew none of her aunts and uncles wanted the extra work, so she would have to look for an affordable online-only program (which meant they didn't have to do any of the work). 

That's what she wrote in the note to aunt Violet. It's hard as a 13 year old to tell "your adults" - that's what she called the crew of them that took care of her - that you want more stability in your life. When Violet shared the contents of the note - the aunts and uncles realized that they had all been too caught up with "wanting to help" that they had failed to do what was in Karen's best interest. They felt scolded and Karen felt bad for sticking up for herself. But, she was enrolled in online school almost immediately and instead of moving around to 6-9 homes, she would be splitting her time between 3 homes - Aunt Shelly, Uncle Bill and Aunt Violet (once she graduated and got an apartment off-campus). 

Needless to say, Karen enjoyed her time with Violet the most. It worked out that when Karen was leaning towards 16 was when "Violet finally got herself together" as Aunt Millicent put it. It took Violet a little longer than most to finish University and it took her a little while to find a "decent job" - these were Uncle Bill's words, he never missed an opportunity to remind her that "her turn was coming up".  

Karen lived with Violet for 3 years - from she was 15 and a half until she was almost 19 - just before she moved away for college. For the first time Karen felt like she could ask questions about boys, sex, life. The first party Karen ever went to (other than her cousins' birthday parties) was the school leaving "dance" - if you could call it that - that her online school hosted. The principal - Mrs. Darby - thought it was a good idea to do an in-person event since students only got to interact online. 

By this time Karen had a phone and was in a group chat with 5 of her classmates. Ronald - who of course had the nickname Ronald McDonald - had been her first friend at Virtual Heights Online School and he had asked her to the "dance".  

Aunt Violet was more excited about this than Karen was. In a way Karen had lost enthusiasm for everything after her parents passed away, but she felt one butterfly dancing in her belly as she waited for Ronald's brother to escort them to the "dance".  

The "dance" was really just half a gymnasium with chairs and tables (some with tablecloths, some without), a banner and a DJ. When you turned off the main lights there were some Christmas lights that lit up a makeshift dance floor. In the shadows, Karen had her first kiss. 

Karen and Ronald both moved away for school -NYU. She had received an Arts scholarship and Ronald had received a sports scholarship - his father had put him in football camp at 8, and that laid the foundation for an obsession with football. 

When Karen and Ronald completed their degrees they were faced with a hard task - telling their families that they were married. Yeah, it shocked me too.

The truth is, they - by they I mean Ronald, but Karen had gone along for the ride - had gone to a rival school for a game. The football game was in LA and since it was the end of the pre-season, coach gave them the option to take two weeks off if they wanted to.  

Ronald and Karen decided they'd spend the two weeks in LA. They split their time between Las Vegas and their small AirBNB in Culver City. One night - after they realized the Vegas casinos gave you free drinks if you sat at the machines- they decided to get married. More than one L - word led to this decision. They both loved each other, but the liquor was definitely the catalyst. 

When they awoke the next morning - not sure whether to be happy or to freak out, they decided they'd keep it a secret until they graduated. Neither of them thought of annulment.

Married at 20, in their sophomore year. It took a little getting used to, but they settled in their secret marriage. They pooled the scholarship money that WA supposed to pay for their on-campus housing and used it to rent an apartment off campus where they didn't have to be married In secret. 

You can imagine this didn't go over well with their families, especially Uncle Bill who had been sure he would walk Karen down the aisle. Ronald's parents were sure Karen was pregnant and it took more than one pregnancy test to convince them otherwise. 

Karen and Ronald decided they'd live in Georgia. That way they didn't feel like they were living in the shadow of their relatives, but were still close enough in case of an emergency. They had 15 good years. The last 5 were a bit rocky, but they'd been together for 20 years. Some would say you don't really know a person if it took a drunk night to get married to them, but it was more than that. 

After 20 years of marriage Karen and Ronald called it quits. It wasn't for a lack of trying...but now they were both tired of trying. It all felt like too much and as Ronald had said "I love you too much to keep you chained to this marriage". Karen finally understood what it meant when they said "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" in the movies she watched with Aunt Violet. 

So, Karen found herself celebrating her 40th birthday on the floor of her kitchen next to a bottle of wine and a half eaten chocolate cake. The phone rang. She thought it was Ronald again - he had called at least 3 times asking how ah was spending the day off - so she answered "Ronald, please I'm not a charity case. I want to be alone on my birthday". 

"Nobody wants to be alone on their birthday!" Aunt Violet said on the other end of the phone. "Oh Aunty it's you", Karen smiled. "But I really do want to be alone. This year has been a lot and I just want to reflect". 

"Rubbish!" her aunt shouted in the phone. "I'm on my way to you. Go shower and get ready". Click. Before she could protest her Aunt had hung up the phone. Also, did she mean she was driving from Florida to Georgia?

Violet arrived 5 hours later and confirmed that she had driven the 6 hours and 29 minutes from Florida. "You really shouldn't have done that", Karen said as she adjusted her hair into a high ponytail. "Girl, I'm just a little older than you", Violet protested. She was going to be 61 this year, but still told the bakery to put "happy 50th" on every cake. 

Karen kept asking where they were going but Violet told her she wanted to catch up first. So they sat and talked. 

After almost 2 hours, Karen said "It's almost midnight now Aunty. Where are we going?". There was a faint honk of a car horn outside. 

"That's your ride dear", Violet said as she eased herself out of the arm chair. "I called Ronald on my way and asked him to arrange a night out with some of your lady friends". 

Karen groaned. "Why did you have to get Ronald involved?". 

"Well I don't exactly have your friends on Facebook" Violet retorted. "...and I wanted you to have a good time celebrating your 40th".

Even though she didn't want to go, she rationalized that it was a kind gesture. All her life Karen did what she was supposed to do - out of obligation...and years later not much had changed. She went outside to see two cars: one filled with work colleagues and another with ladies she did yoga with. This would be weird.

Karen got into the car with her yoga friends. She tried to tell herself they weren't going clubbing - but where else would 2 cars filled with almost middle-aged women be going at midnight? She started to breathe deeply - to calm her nerves. She had not been clubbing since freshman year in college and before that her first party had been the Virtual Heights Online School "dance". 

She wanted to live in the moment but she was freaking out. She hadn't been to enough parties or clubs to know what club etiquette or party etiquette looked like. Should she wait at the bar for a man to buy her a drink? She thought of her aunt, the wine and the chocolate cake at home and how much she wanted to ask Maribelle to turn around. She would lie and say she didn't feel well. 

But even as she was thinking this she knew she wouldn't do it. They arrived at the club. Karen shuffled through her purse to find her ID and felt a little dejected when the bouncer waved the group in without checking ID. The dance floor was covered in a light haze and all Karen could think about was the Virtual Heights Online School "dance". It must've been the nostalgia, but in this moment she missed Ronald terribly. A tear almost escaped, but she caught it with a quick sniffle - "Crying on the dance floor? What the heck is wrong with you" she whispered to herself. 

"May I have this dance?" A voice said over her shoulder. Before she turned to see him, she knew it was Ronald. "It's crazy. I know. But I just wanted to have one dance with you...and then I'll leave", he said. She had never been more relieved to see his face. She chuckled "you can't leave! You have to be my wing man tonight". They laughed and headed to the dance floor. 

She knew she would have to get used to living alone, and figuring out life without Violet and without Ronald...but after tonight.