Breathe

That’s it, breathe deeply, taste that fresh spring air. Smell the fresh leaves, still damp and fragrant after that little shower this morning. The scent of fresh cut grass, how I have missed you! Seems so long since last year, what a different world it was back then. 

           Huh, back then. Strange to think that way.  Sounds like it was so long ago, not just a single year. So much had changed though. I used to love walking here, straying from the nice neat paths to feel the soft grass beneath my feet.  At least the warm rays of the sun on my face remain the same. 

           Looks like the sun will set soon though, I should try to enjoy these last few moments. But it’s not the same, not alone. 

           No!  I’m not going to think about her, not now. I came here to clear my head, not get stuck in the past again. Just needed some peace to calm me. I need to focus. I have a job to do, damn it!

Okay, breathe deep again, that’s right.  Oh! What’s that smell? I know that smell, what is it?

           There! Bluebells! They are blooming early. I miss those walks in the woods back home. Mum and dad yelling at me not to go too far ahead, rushing through the brush between the trees, the ground covered in purple everywhere. Was like being in a fairy-tale, just like the ones Nan used to tell me. I miss those days; everything was so much simpler as a kid.

           Nice to see bluebells again, that’s lifted my spirits. Where next? Round the back of the playground area? Or take the short cut past the tennis courts?

           Playground. I have time, can’t be late, but can’t be too early either. Besides, I feel like making this walk last. Looks like all the kids are leaving anyway with dusk approaching, so at least it won’t be too noisy over there.

           Hello, who is that? Wow, now that is one beautiful girl! She can’t be the mother of those kids, right? No way, she looks too young. A sister maybe? Baby-sitter? Doesn’t matter to me, I’ll enjoy the view anyway! I bet she’s fantastic in…..

           Shit! Did she see me looking at her?  Don’t stare you idiot! Shit! Shit! Shit! She did see me, and she is looking strangely at me now.

           What am I doing? Just smile back you idiot, don’t act suspicious.  Just give her a quick smile so she isn’t freaked out, then keep moving and hopefully she will forget you.

           God!  What’s wrong with me? That was the worse fake smile ever! Don’t look back, just keep walking, keep walking. Hopefully she will take it as a compliment and then forget about me. She’s way too hot to be interested anyway, I’m not exactly looking my best today after all, need to blend in and that means boring.

Right, If I turn here, I’m going around in circles, but for now I just want to get out of her sight so I can slap my forehead.

           Okay, I’m clear. But now going the wrong way. What to do? What to do? I can’t turn back until I’m sure she is gone; how long will that take? I can’t be late either, not an option. Hell, I’ll just have to cut straight across the grass. 

But then I will stand out more, won’t I? Fuck it, no choice. People walk on grass all the time, why should anyone pay attention to me? Yeah, I’ll be fine.

           Eyes down, mind the dog crap. Why don’t people just pick it up? It’s not hard for Christ’s sake! You get a dog and picking up shit comes with that responsibility!

           Calm down. Deep breathes remember.  Once I’m far enough from the dog crap anyway. Focus on the evening. Look, the moon is coming out.  The sky looks amazing with the sunset.  The air isn’t chilly yet, life is good. That really is an amazing sunset, she would have loved to see it. Maybe I can take a picture for her?

           What am I thinking? She doesn’t give a toss about me anymore, sending a picture of the sunset in our park will just seem like a desperate plea for attention. I’m not going to give her that satisfaction. She’s left and that’s it.

           Maybe I should just move? Too many memories here. Everywhere I look I think about her, holding my hand, kissing me randomly, hearing her laugh. Where was that tree we carved our initials into? That one? Never mind, it was a failed attempt anyway. Thinking of which, I should really sharpen my penknife when I get home, keep forgetting about that.

           Oh, I’m nearly there, that was quicker than I thought. I’m early. Don’t panic, just need to act normally. I never knew something so simple could be so stressful. I know, I’ll sit and roll a smoke, might help my nerves at least, but will definitely kill a few minutes. She will be here soon enough.

           I probably should stop smoking again. Two years without smoking and soon as she’s gone, I’m back at it again. Strange how I didn’t miss it when I was with her, but now I can’t imagine stopping again. Small comforts, I guess. Not hurting anyone but myself.

           Ahhh!  Nicotine my old friend. Feeling better already. 

Right, two minutes to go,  that should give me enough time to finish this smoke, enjoy the sunset, and to put her out of my mind again.

           Why did I think it would be a good idea to cut through the park? Oh yeah, I wanted to seem inconspicuous and to clear my head with some fresh air. Well the air is fresh at least, and I do like to be away from the noisy roads. So why the hell does my head feel heavier than normal? Maybe I’m getting a cold or something?

           Who am I trying to kid? It’s stress. Of course, it’s stress. I’m about to make my first clandestine hand off in a public place and trying to act nonchalant at the same time. How did I ever think this was going to be easy?

           I guess I could just go now, leave it all behind me, forget this stupid idea and go back to my boring life.  I wonder what she would think if she could see me now? She would probably tell me I look as ridiculous as I feel, trying too hard to behave like a guy just out for a walk.

           For suck’s sake! Get out of my head woman! Right think about something else. Like the legs on that girl earlier.  Oh yeah, I would love to get those wrapped around me. If I wasn’t in the middle of trying to be a spy I might have spoken to her.

           Yeah right, I’m a coward and I know it. What would I say? “HI beautiful, want to dump those kids and come with me for a drink?” I’m sure that would have worked! Ha ha!!

           Is that her? Yep, that’s her. 

           Ok, show time. Simple brush past, piece of cake. I just need to hold out the thumb drive for her to take as we pass by. Just act normal.

           Crap! Where did that dog walker come from? Good, he’s looking the other way. No need to panic. Get up and start walking.

           Where do I look?? How did I not think about this before? Do I avoid looking at her? That would be weird right? She’s actually quite attractive, in a slightly scary businesswoman kind of way. She probably loves a bit of fifty shades. 

           Jesus! I really need to get my head out of the gutter today.

           Phone! Of course, I will look at her from a distance briefly, that’s normal, but I will pretend to be looking at my phone as we pass, that will make it seem more natural that we passed by so closely. 

           Am I over complicating this? No, just stick with the plan, everything will be fine. Just going to step on this cig butt, now to calmly stroll back across the grass towards the path. Here she comes, should I say something? Like “Good evening” or something? No. Just keep silent.

           Yes!!!!  I did it! 

Wow!  What a rush! James Bond eat your heart out!

           Breathe. Ahhh! 

The air tastes even fresher now! 

           Now I can finally leave this place and all those memories behind. Maybe I’ll find someone new, maybe that girl from earlier? Wishful thinking, but maybe one day I’ll get girls like that. Just starting my new career now, one day I’ll be able to get any woman I want!

           For now, back to my walk. The light is starting to fade, better get home before it’s too dark. Just want to enjoy this feeling a little longer. Success and fresh air.

           Nothing like a walk in the park.

           Just need to breathe.