Crumpet?

Libby grinded on Joe, reverse cowgirl, as Joe slapped her bum cheeks, for encouragement.

‘Are you playing with yourself?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Good.’

Joe grabbed Libby’s hips and lifted her off his erection, throwing her onto the bed. She was now on her back, as he hoisted her legs onto his shoulders and entered her again, forcefully.

Libby moaned, as she held onto the grey, cushioned headboard.

‘I’m close.’

‘Take it!’

‘Ahhh ahhhh!’

‘Take it!’

‘Ahhhh ahhhhhh- Joe!!!’

Joe pounded hard inside Libby ‘til he came.

‘A booooooom!!’

Once he’d emptied his load, he promptly pulled out and collapsed back onto the bed, exhausted.

‘You enjoy that?

Joe gave Libby the Ok sign.

‘Good…

Me too.’

Libby waited a moment.

‘Babe…’

‘….What?’

‘I didn’t finish.’

Libby nuzzled into the nook.

‘I was really close though.’

Libby paused. No response from Joe.

‘Baby?’

‘Gimme a minute.’

Joe had his eyes closed.

Libby kissed his chin- The wiry, brown hairs from his beard lightly grazing her soft, delicate lips. Libby sighed.

‘Our second first year anniversary.’ She said, as she lightly stroked Joe’s chest- Tracing her finger over his nipples, in a circulatory motion, whilst he gradually caught his breath.

‘Second time lucky.’

Joe’s eyes were still closed.

‘Joe?’

Libby tilted Joe’s face towards hers, tapping him lightly, encouraging him to open his eyes.

Joe remained silent.

Libby kissed his right brow and the corner of his eye.

‘And I can’t believe you took me to the same place we had our second first date, last night...

You’re so romantic.’

Libby kissed Joe’s nose.

‘What did I do to deserve this? Eh?

Really?’

Joe turned onto his side, as he finally opened his eyes.

‘Oh…

You’ve done plenty.’

Joe’s tongue caressed Libby’s, as he pulled her close and French kissed her. Their naked bodies, still covered in sweat, merged, like those ceramic salt and pepper pots you get, that are shaped like people, designed to connect together.

Joe released Libby from his grasp. She swooned.

‘One year…

A new year…

A new start…

A new you…’

Libby stroked Joe’s temple with the tip of her index finger.

‘Seriously, Joe…

You’re like a different person.’ Libby said, as she twirled Joe’s dirty blonde, shaggy hair and stared deep into his baby blue eyes.

‘I honestly never thought it was possible to be this happy….

I think this might just have been the best year of my life.’

Joe smiled at his girlfriend and gave her an Eskimo kiss, which made her giggle, like a smitten schoolgirl, who’d just been teased by her playground crush. She gushed.

‘Ah- You’re perfect!’

‘Nah.’

Joe ran his finger across the small of Libby’s back.

‘No seriously.

You are.

You’re just- Urgh…

Perfect.’

Libby stroked Joe’s face.

‘Where were you all that time, before?

Hmmm?

Where was this guy?’

Libby poked Joe’s shoulder.

‘It’s like… 

You’re too good to be true.’

Joe smiled.

‘Well, you know what they say…

If it seems too good to be true-‘

Joe squeezed Libby’s firm, naked, left buttock, before spanking it lightly.

‘Then it’s not true.’

Libby hooked her left leg over Joe, pressing her vagina against his already half flaccid penis.

‘So, how did I get so lucky then?’

The couple snogged again, as Joe pulled his arm out from behind his girlfriend.

‘Oh you…’

He pinched her cheek.

‘What makes you think you’re the exception to the rule?’

Joe smiled at Libby, as she cocked her head to the side.

‘You have a strange sense of humour sometimes, Joe Hopkins.’

‘Oh, do I?’

Joe paused.

‘That may be so, but in this instance…

I’m not joking.’

Libby looked puzzled.

‘Babe, are you going cryptic on me again?

I love you but I don't always get your bonkers jokes. Soz.’

Libby unhooked her leg, as she batted Joe on his nose with her finger. Joe smiled and repeated himself.

‘If it seems too good to be true…

Then it’s not true.’

Libby stared at her boyfriend.

‘And you said it seemed too good to be true- Did you not?’

‘Babe…

What are you going on about?’

Libby exhaled through her nose.

‘Well…?’

Joe waited for his girlfriend to respond.

‘Oh, come on, darling- Get with the programme- I can’t carry this whole thing by myself!’

‘Joe…?

Whatever you’re doing, stop doing it- It’s not funny.’ Libby said, as she created some physical distance between her and her boyfriend, by shuffling back slightly.

‘Well, humour is subjective, really, isn’t it?

That’s what tickles me.

When people say what they’re looking for in a partner- A good sense of humour.

That doesn’t really mean anything at all, does it?!’

Joe shook his head.

‘Surely everyone would claim they had a good sense of humour?

From their own perspective?

But a person who’s into political satire and another who likes fart jokes, ain’t gonna jam, are they?

It’s all a complete load of bollocks!’

Libby stared blankly at her boyfriend, as he cheerily chatted away.

‘Like saying a good taste in music- What the fuck does that mean?

I swear, humans really have become so excruciatingly moronic, in recent years.

I’d ask my parents, if it was always this bad, if I had any.’

‘Babe, you’re rambling- I’m afraid I’ve lost you.’

‘Oh, darling- You can’t lose something you never had.’

Libby shifted back again, as she started to lose her patience.

‘Joe, what are you doing?!’

‘Relax, sweetheart- It’s just a commercial.’

Libby scoffed.

‘Alright, weirdo- I’ll leave you to it, I’m gonna go make some lunch.’

Libby lifted the duvet and tried to get out of bed, but Joe grabbed her arm.

‘Wait, don’t go- You’ll miss the best bit!’

‘Seriously Joe, I don’t know what you’re going on about, but I’m afraid I’m not in the mood.’

‘You’re afraid? Interesting choice of words.’

Libby tried to tug her arm free.

‘Anyway. I think I’m getting hangry- I’m gonna make some crumpets. You want? With crumbly cheese?’

Libby attempted once again to leave the bed.

‘Oh darling, you’re not listening to me.’

Joe tightened his grip.

‘But that’s ok. I assume you’re putting up your defences, what we call in the trade, cognitive dissonance.’

Joe smiled as Libby wriggled.

‘You can probably smell a rat, at least, on a subconscious level, and so, you’ve gone into a mini fight or flight mode. In this case, you’ve chosen flight.’

‘Joe…

Let go of my arm, please.’

Libby was now kneeling on the bed- One leg was hung over the side, her foot touching the floor.

‘I will. But only if you say you’ll stay….

Because I have something to tell you...

Something important.’

‘Ok, Joe. You’re officially freaking me out now.’

‘That’s ‘cause you’re not playing properly.’

Libby glared at her boyfriend until eventually, he scoffed, rolled his eyes and let go of her, giggling, as she snatched back her arm.

‘Come on…

Pleeeeeese…

It won’t take long…

Then you can make your crumpets...

Promise.'

Joe patted the bed, inviting Libby to sit back down, which she eventually did, albeit reluctantly.

‘Good.’

Joe was appeased.

‘Thank you.

Now.

Let’s go back a bit, shall we?’

Joe cleared his throat, dramatically and intentionally, before he continued.

‘You said, I’m like a different person.

And that it, meaning, our relationship-‘ Joe mimed quotation marks with his fingers- ‘Seemed too good to be true- Did you not?’

Libby hesitated.

‘Well?...’

Libby paused.

‘I did.’

‘Ok, good...

So…

Why is that? Hmmm?...

Pray tell?...

Why is it, that it seems too good to be true?’

Libby shook her head. Joe scoffed.

‘Oh, come on, babe- You know this!

It’s not that difficult- You went to Cambridge, for God’s sake!’

‘Joe, what are you doing?’

‘Just answer the fucking question!

Darling.

Please.’

‘Joe?’

‘Answer it…

Why does it seem too good to be true?

My miraculous transformation?

From zero to hero- Almost overnight.

Hmmmm?

….Why?’

Libby’s eyes darted around the room, instinctively, as Joe smiled at her, patiently, until eventually, she began to answer.

‘Because…’

‘Yes...

Go on...’

‘Because...’

Joe nodded, encouragingly.

‘…It’s not true?’

‘That’s it! You’ve got it!’

Joe clapped, animatedly and enthusiastically, as he bounced on the bed and beamed with elation, smiling like a cartoon character.

‘Hahaha because it’s not true!’

Libby shook her head, as she watched her boyfriend celebrate. She was still completely naked. They both were.

‘Surprise!!

Hahahaaa dah- dahhhhh!’

Joe did jazz hands.

‘I’ve been faking it this whole time!’

Libby froze as her boyfriend elaborated.

‘This past year.

Since our second first date.

All of it- It’s not real!

I’ve been pretending.

On purpose!

Hahahaha I don’t love you!

In fact, I despise you hahahahaha isn’t that just the most mental thing you’ve ever fucking heard!?.’

Joe lead on his back, as he kicked his legs in the air and laughed profusely.

‘Joe, this isn’t funny, stop it!’

Joe sat up again.

‘Oh, but it is funny, darling.

At least, for me it is.

Humour is subjective, remember?

And I have to say, actually, from where I’m sitting, that this is absolutely, totally, side splittingly hilarious!’

Joe then fixed his gaze onto Libby with laser like focus and tilted his head forward, as he adopted an altogether more serious tone.

'And I’ve been waiting for this moment for a very, very long time.’

Libby gasped and immediately leapt up from the bed.

‘Oh, I’ve seen it all before!’ Joe said, as his girlfriend scrambled for her clothes, self consciously- ‘The cat’s out of the bag, honey!’

‘You’re fucking crazy!’

‘Hahahahaaaahaaa there she is!! We were wondering when you were gonna show up! Bit late for the party, mind you, but I think we still have some nibbles in the back!’

‘Get out!’ Libby threw on a vest. ‘I want you to leave my house!’

‘Ok.’ Joe got out of bed, without protesting, and calmly started to change .

‘No, wait!’ Libby reached out to Joe. ‘You’re kidding aren’t you? This is… You’re being silly? This isn’t happening, is it? Please, Joe. Please, stop. Please, stop what you’re doing.’

‘Oh darling.’ Joe said, as he pulled on his boxer shorts. ‘I’m absolutely… Not.’

‘How?! Why?!?!’

Libby screamed, as she flailed about the place, trying to make it make sense.

‘How could you do this?!’

‘No.

Actually.

You did this.

You.

Not me.’

‘What are you talking about, Joe- Have you lost your fucking mind?!!’

‘Oh no, on the contrary- I’m quite compos mentis, I can assure you.

Well, that is, if you ignore the fact that I'm technically clinically insane.’

Joe chuckled.

‘Still- You rolled the dice when you went shopping for cock on Tinder!’

‘What the fuck?!’

‘But like I said, you started this mess, really, I’m just finishing it.’

Libby was visibly baffled. Joe rolled his eyes.

‘What, you don’t think I knew?

About your sordid little affair?’

Joe tutted.

‘It’s very offensive, you know.

That you take me for such a fucking idiot.’

Joe shook his head.

‘Quite an insult to my intelligence, I must say.’

Joe was now fully dressed.

‘I didn’t…

How….

It wasn’t…’

Libby stuttered.

‘Who do you think put him in a coma?

Hmmmm?!’

Libby leant on the edge of the bed.

‘Hahahahahaa and you…

YOU!’

Joe pointed his finger at his stunned girlfriend, disparagingly.

‘You really are the most disgusting parasite the world has ever seen, aren’t you?’

Joe sang

‘Sneaky link in a coma oh no, oh no- It’s serious!’

Joe laughed

‘And off you go, straight back to the ex. No candlelit vigils from you, eh?

You two faced, hypergamous, turncoat little slut!’

Libby sprung back to life.

‘You won’t get away with this!!!’

‘Oh darling, of course I will.

You don’t even know my real name.’

‘What?!’

‘My name.

My real one.

I never gave it to you.’

‘You’re…

You’re lying.’

‘Actually, everything before this has been a lie.

But now?

Now I’m finally telling the truth.

Ahhhhhhhh-’

Joe exhaled.

‘And the truth shall set you free!’

Joe spread his arms out wide.

‘It’s very liberating- You should try it some time.’

‘No!!!!’

Libby yelled.

‘You WON’T!

I know where you live!!!’

‘I’ve moved.’

‘You’re Joe Hopkins!!’

‘No, darling- I’m not.’

Libby began to buffer.

‘Oh gawwwwwd, this is good!

Well worth the wait hahaha look at your face- It’s priceless!’

Joe did an exaggerated impression of Libby, opening his mouth wide and putting his hands on his cheeks, like Maccaulay Culkin in Home alone.

‘Ha! Talk about long game!

And you couldn’t do it, if you were not the son of God.’

Libby snapped back into action, like an unpaused avatar.

‘I know where you work!’

‘No, you don’t.

You think you do, but I arranged to meet you outside the same building in Canary Wharf on several occasions, just to throw you off the scent- I’m not even an investment banker!’

Joe laughed.

‘Who are you?!!’

‘I’m hardly gonna tell you that, now, am I?’

‘I have pictures of you- I’ll take them to the police!’

‘Do you?

Check your phone, honeyyy.

Go on… Humour me.’

As instructed, Libby rushed to her Samsung Galaxy smart phone, on the bedside table and desperately opened her photo reel. Sure enough, she could find no pictures of Joe. None. Not even ones from group photos or ones where he’d been stood in the background.

Joe climbed back onto the bed again and propped his head up on his hand, whilst Libby frantically looked for the deleted pictures. This was clearly a great source of entertainment for Joe- Watching his desperate girlfriend futilely search for the images, he knew no longer existed.

‘And I don’t have social media. Obviously.’ Joe added- ‘And I’ve been very careful to ensure that no photos of moi popped up on yours or your so called friend’s accounts, haven’t I? I’m a private person, after all.’

Joe winked as he made a double clicking sound with his mouth.

‘So, what you gonna do? Eh?

Go to the police station and draw a sketch? Hmmm?

Tell them I like The Smiths, have chilli sauce on my pizza and wear my socks in bed?!

Ha!! They’ll do you for wasting police time, you stupid bitch!’

Joe sat up on the bed.

‘Besides, you don’t even have any proof!’

Libby dropped her phone and recoiled from Joe, until her back was against the egg shell coloured bedroom wall.

‘But let’s imagine, for a moment, that you did.

Have some modicum of evidence.

You really wanna start dragging all this up? In public?

Let it all come out?

That you were sleeping with a junior executive, who’s now being fed through a fucking straw?!

‘Cause of your stationary cupboard shenanigans?

Lunch break BJs?

Hmmmm?

What would your boss think about that? Eh?

Not to mention, the boy’s parents?’

Joe tutted.

‘Think of your career!

Your illustrious, high flying career.

Nah…

You’re not gonna do shit!

And you know how I know that? Hmmm?

Honey?’

Libby shook her head, as she starred at the dangerous stranger on her four poster bed.

‘Because- I know you…

I’ve been studying you for years.

You don’t know shit about me, but I know you inside and out.

Literally.’

Joe then made a circle with his left forefinger and thumb, pushing his right forefinger back and forth, through the middle, as he made loud, exaggerated sex noises- ‘Ahhh ahhhhh- I’m close- Joe- Ahhh ahhhh ahhhhhhh!!!!!!’

Joe laughed, as Libby clung to the wall, in horror.

‘God, you’re a despicable excuse for a human, do you know that?

Step on your own Mother just to get ahead, wouldn’t you?!’

‘Please. This can’t be happening to me.’

‘Oh look, there you go again- Me, me, me-

Jesus Christ, you really are the most selfish cunt on the face of the planet, aren’t you?!’

Joe shook his head.

‘No accountability.

Fucking victim mentality through the roof!

Some poor sap’s in a coma because of you, and you’ve not lost a wink of fucking sleep over it!

Fucking poker face over ‘ere, you’re DISGUSTING!’

‘GET OUT!’

‘Ha!’

Joe climbed off the bed.

‘You don’t have to tell me twice.

I dunno how I’ve lasted this long, truth be told.

You’re the most insufferable person I’ve ever met!’

Joe scoffed.

‘And your level of entitlement is frankly sickening to me…

Five Instagram stories a day? For the fans??

I hate to break it to ya, but nobody cares about your monotonous, shallow, pointless existence- You self centred, sanctimonious, vapid, old cow- You’re gonna die alone- Deal with it!!!’

Joe chuckled and searched the floor, as Libby wailed and sunk to the ground.

‘Now, where are my trainers? Oh- Duh!’

Joe slapped his head and pulled out his tongue, to demonstrate how much of a spaz he was being, by looking for his shoes upstairs when they were clearly-

‘By the front door!’

Joe rolled his eyes and laughed, as Libby whispered.

‘Get out.’

‘I’m already gone, sugar tits!’ Joe said, as he went to leave the bedroom.

‘Oh wait!’

He paused.

‘But before I go…

Happy anniversary.’