Return to Misery

He looked between us once more and said, “It’s either her or me.” We had just walked out of my mother’s front door. He was whispering, so she couldn’t hear.

“This is totally unfair. My boyfriend or my mom? You both are my entire life.”

“She called me ”Pool Boy”, Stephanie, again. You can’t expect me to just stand by and watch you excuse your mother’s behavior.”

“But she’s just old fashioned, she’ll learn in time. It was an honest mistake.”

“See, this is the problem. I knew you would choose her. What was I thinking?”

“Wait, no, I didn’t say anything about who I chose. You can’t expect me to make this big decision in five minutes.”

“Fine, I’ll call you in the morning.” He walked away from me with that cute little limp that I fell in love with.

I closed the front door, and I flopped dramatically on my bed. A bed that my mom helped pay for. She worked two jobs day and night to support me. After dad died, I was all she had left. That isn’t the case now. Those “friends” of hers are putting these ideas into her mind. And my mom, the people pleaser she is, just keeps agreeing with them. I tried to explain to her that her “friends” are fake, and they are racist. She doesn’t listen to me anymore. My poor mother is a victim to their terrible scheme.

My phone started ringing. It was my mom. I debated whether or not to ignore it, but I decided against it.

“Hello, this is Stephanie.”

“Hi sweetheart! I’m just calling to check on you. I heard you finally dump that boyfriend you have. Or, did he finally get deported? I’ve been calling ICE constantly.”

“Mom! For the last time, just because he’s Mexican doesn’t make him an illegal immigrant. You need to stop treating him like this.”

“I guess that means you didn’t dump him?”

This new information about ICE changed my mind. I mean, who calls ICE on their daughter’s boyfriend? “Mom, what would happen if we went no contact for a while?”

“I would bawl my eyes out! Why would you suggest such a thing? Are you trying to kill me?”

“Maybe, if you can’t do that, just stop hanging around those friends? You know the ones, the manipulators”

“I’m not going to stop seeing them just because you think they’re manipulating me, which is very wrong by the way.”

“Then maybe…maybe I have to stop seeing you.” I stumbled a bit as I said it. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I stared at my mother.

“Stephanie, this is crazy. You can’t just leave me. After I did all this for you,” she said, pointing to the car and house keys that were in my hand and my diploma, “You owe me.”

“I wish I didn’t have to do this, but you already chose Karen and Petunia over me. Why should I choose you over Andres?” I paused for a minute, my mother completely dumbfounded by my decision. I started to speak again, “I’m truly sorry this didn’t work out. I’ll pay you back, but I can’t talk to you. Not when you put others down to make yourself feel happy.”

I wiped away the tears, and I walked out the door. I was officially not a part of that life anymore. I want to mourn, but that version of my mom isn’t the version I want to mourn. She stopped putting me as her top priority. She didn’t even chase after me. I know that when my dad died, if I walked away, she would run after me until her heart stopped beating. She needed me. Perhaps she needed me too much. I remember the times when I skipped school to console my crying mother, drinking so much she would die if I didn’t stop her. I should have realized it sooner. She was toxic from the start.

I think I made the right decision. Andres has always been what I wanted my mother to be and more. I remember when I had a bad day filled with rude customers and even worse teachers, he would take me on a romantic date. Last time it was a picnic at the park during the sunset. It was truly so beautiful. He cooked the food himself too. How could my own mother insult such a kind and loving person?

I called him. I wanted to be with him. He always comforted me in moments like these. I remembered the time when I called him at one am to cry about getting fired. He told me everything was going to be okay, and he took me to his backyard where we sat under the stars for hours. I cried and vented, but he didn’t dismiss me, he comforted me. I could tell he truly wanted me to be happy. I didn’t have a memory like that with my mother.

“Hello. Who is this? It’s eleven pm–”

“I did it.”

“Stephanie? Is this you?”

“Yes it’s me. Anyways, I chose you. I kept making excuses for her. I think you made me realize that. She was more important to me than I was important to her.”

“As glad as I am that you realized the truth about your mother, losing someone so close to you can do a lot of damage—”

“That’s what I’m calling about. Can we sit under the stars again, like we did when I got fired?”

“Of course we can. You know I’m alway here for you, right?”

I paused. I thought of my mother. She was in the garden one day with her “gal pals” Karen and Petunia. I had something extremely important to tell her, I got rejected from our dream college. We had dreamed about me going to Stanford since I was a little girl. I ended up crying in my room that whole night, and when I tried to tell my mother in the morning, she got mad that I interrupted her time with Karen and Petunia. My mother might have been there for me at some point, but that point isn’t now. Now, I have the kindest boyfriend in the world.

“I love you. And, I’ll be here when you need too.”