Dear Diary,

It's Me, Lexi

Sunday, September 6th, 2019

Dear Diary,

My name is Alexia Knight. I've hated it for as long as I can remember. Firstly, the reason my parents named me Alexia is odd. Both of their names started with the letters "A" and "L" so they wanted mine to do the same. So, they ended up Googling girl names that start with "AL". And they came up with Alexia, defender of men, helper. The name makes me sound like some sort of princess and it just isn't.....me, you know?

I've learned to live with it, though. Most people call me Lexia, Lexi, or Lex anyway.

As for me, in general, I don't know exactly why I'm writing this. My life has been pretty crappy for the past almost 5 years. The worst has been in the last 3 or 4, but all 5 have been awful. Between being molested for nearly a year, losing most of my friends, moving, emotional turmoil, social stress, the trial, family drama, etc, things have been really bad. Journaling has been suggested to me as a sort of way to deal with my issues several times.

Of course, I had a diary when I was younger, but I grew out of it. The whole journaling thing has seemed a little cliche and ridiculous. But recently, I've decided that maybe it'll help. Maybe I may understand myself better and feel more at peace if I write everything down.

So here I am.

Maybe I could start by telling a bit about myself? I don't really know how this works. So here goes.

I am a 15, almost 16, year-old female. My race is African American or Black as more commonly known, but my skin is a lighter color, coming from my mom's side. I am a sophomore in high school, a straight-A student and the head of my school newspaper. I'm also in my school's chorus and drama club. My parents are dancers, so naturally, I am too. Every style you can think of, I can dance it. There are also many other things I'm good at, but writing, I'm sure, is the most important. I wasn't into writing much until my 5th-grade year, and I've just fallen in love with it more and more since then.

All of the time people tell me, "you're perfect", "you can do everything", or "you're amazing". As great as the compliments are, I hate getting them. I'm very empathetic and kind and helpful, and that is often my downfall. I sometimes despise myself for loving and being so good at all of these things because it makes me feel like I'm making other people feel less, which is not what I want to do at all.

And I know I do sometimes. In 6th grade, my entire class except maybe 3 students hated me because all of the teachers loved me. I was probably the smartest student and teachers always, and still do, used me for examples, asked me to help others, and given me privileges others didn't have.

I hate that I'm apparently so great. Because it hurts other people.

But they also hurt me. There's been teasing and bullying in the past, along with whisperings behind my back, fake friends, etc. People judge me, but in truth, they have no idea who I am or what I've been through or what goes through my head or what I have to deal with on a daily bases.

Speaking of what I've been through, it affects me in the worst ways possible. During the first couple of years, suicide was on my mind constantly. I never tried anything, but I definitely thought about it. Then there was the fact that I was constantly exhausted and in pain, mentally and physically. I would try to pick myself up but I would just fall down again. Whenever things seemed to get better, something happened that made it worse.

I cried several times a day and had at least 3 panic attacks a week. Everything got worse as time went on.

However, I began to open up to my few friends and my parents (dad and stepmom) more and that helped.

One thing I do remember clearly is that the summer after I spoke up about being molested by my stepfather, I moved in with my dad and my stepmom. I soon lost touch with my mom, especially after she got up in court and called me a liar.

Things got better as they got worse, and they still are. I'm on this odd roller coaster of bad days, worse ones, and perfect moments, but I'm working on it. And maybe starting this diary or journal or whatever you want to call it will help.

For now, I've got to go make breakfast before meeting with my counselor, so I'll write more soon.

Love,

Lexi

P.S. I think writing it all out really does help.

Tuesday, September 8th, 2019

Dear Diary,

It's me, Lexi. This is my second entry into this journal, and this time, I have a lot to say.

Today wasn't awful. It was just a little...off, let's say. Okay fine, it was terrible.

To start, if you didn't know, which I'm sure you didn't considering you're a piece of paper, it's homecoming season. People are asking others to the dance, student council is setting up a decoration committee, and of course, my friends are trying to get me to go.

It's easy for them. They all either already have an S.O. or have lines of people ready to ask them out.

I, however, am an introvert. I don't go around talking to people, let alone asking them on dates and because I'm pretty much invisible, no one knows I exist. School dances aren't my thing anyway. Hardly anyone dances, and because I'm the only dancer out of all of my friends, none of them will dance with me. They just stand there and record every move I make.

So yeah. The only way they will get me to homecoming is if they tie up my arms and legs and drag me there. Plus, I am not wearing one of those super fancy, super expensive dresses. No way.

Anyway, I have a problem.

I don't live with my mom anymore, and we don't talk, so I have practically zero contact with my little brother. He's 12 now, soon to be 13, and I usually see him a couple times a month. I'll either come to a football game, a track meet, a basketball game, a school event, or we'll meet up somewhere like the mall or the fair.

This time, my mom is going to be there.

I have hardly seen or talked or talked to her in nearly 4 years. Now, I'm going to see her. When I found out today, I had a full-blown panic attack. I ran out of 4th period breathing hard and crying and grasping at my core.

I didn't leave school, but I was in a mood all day.

I really, really, really do not want to see my mother. I don't want us to fight or argue in front of my brother nor do I want everything to be awkward like it was when we were pretending to like each other.

I hope someone can figure out a way where she doesn't have to be there.

Love,

Lexi

Wednesday, September 9th, 2019

Dear Diary,

It's me, Lexi. Today was actually very basic. I talked with my friends in class, aced my Algebra quiz, as usual, joked around at lunch, etc. I had fun today.

It seems I'll still have to see my mom in a couple of days but I'm trying not to stress over it.

One interesting thing did happen today, though. I say interesting but it was more on the embarrassing but amazing side, honestly.

I was sitting at lunch with Maria, Sammy (Samantha), Beth, Allen, Carlos, and Seth. We were just telling old childhood stories. I was talking about how my late uncle when I was around two or three, used to let me pour flour and sugar on his head and once even put me in the refrigerator and told me to tell my grandmother that I was cleaning it out. They were all laughing when suddenly someone else comes over to our table.

This person was Jaiden Alexander, also known as my crush since the 6th grade. Yeah. We were close friends for a while until...Okay, let me just start from the beginning. Jaiden moved to our school in the middle of the year. He was from the same county I was, that had higher standards so he already knew most of the work we did, like me. We hadn't talked much besides momentary book talk.

We were getting closer when he joined "The Bros" or the boys in our class that had a specific set of rules for you to be friends/part of them. One of the rules was that they couldn't date or interact with the girls on "the list". I was on the list because I had rejected one of them at the beginning of the year.

So besides class assignments, Jaiden and I had hardly talked in over 4 years.

Considering this, I'm sure you could guess the girls and I started freaking out when we saw him walking in our direction. He was wearing one of those hoodies that look unbelievably good on him and his glasses were covering his blue eyes.

I began to fidget in anticipation and tuck my curly hair behind my ear and take my glasses off and on.

When he finally reached us, he leaned on the table right next to me and greeted everybody before looking at me. He said, Can you come with me to the hallway for a second?"

I had looked at the girls and they waved me away so I told him "yes" and walked out of the cafeteria with him. He'd whispered to me, "Are they following us?"

I nodded in response and said, "They are so following us."

When I'd reached the hallway, he told me (well me and everyone that had followed us out of the cafeteria) to stay there and walked a few steps forward before whistling the whistle from The Hunger Games.

I hadn't known why he'd done it but it made me laugh remembering how we had the same taste in books.

And then all of a sudden, all of my chorus friends came walking around the corner singing "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys, one of my favorite songs and groups.

I got confused then until my newspaper crew walked in with a giant sign that said HOCO?

I literally had tears in my eyes as Jaiden walked toward me with a bouquet of periwinkle flowers, my favorite, and box of chocolate and said, "Lexi, will you go to homecoming with me?"

I nodded and said "yes" and hugged him. Someone snapped a picture and that was that.

So now, I guess I have no excuse not to go to the dance anymore. And guess what? When I asked about him getting kicked out of the bros for going with me, he told me that he'd left them willingly months ago.

It was the most unexpected thing ever, but it was amazing! I'm going to HOCO with Jaiden. I'm going to HOCO with Jaiden! I still can't believe it.

Love,

Lexi

P.S. Writing out my feelings and thoughts helps so much more than I thought it would. Plus, I'm going to homecoming with Jaiden!!!

P.S.S. Is that a thing? I have no idea. Either way, I have never loved my friends more. After we found out that I really am going to HOCO, the girls suggested that we go shopping at the mall on Saturday. When I told them that I was going to be with my brother and my good for nothing mother, they suggested that they and the guys could come along so that we could all hang. That way, my mom might not have to be there! Today has just been great for me.

Saturday, September 11th, 2019

Dear Diary,

It's me, Lexi. Today was one of the best days of my life.

I woke up, got dressed and had the girls pick me up. Maria, Sam, Beth, and I sang along to the radio the whole way to the mall. We had to wait about 10 minutes before Carlos, Allen, Seth, nd Jaiden (oh yeah, he went too!!!) pulled up but that was okay.

Not long after, I recognized my mother's car as my brother Jonathan got out of it. As soon as he'd seen me, he abandoned his backpack and ran at me with full speed screaming, "Lexi!"

I'd introduced him to everyone and the guys immediately engaged in sports conversation with him. It reminded me of the constant rambles about football I would hear from him when he was younger.

We had all eaten ice cream, lunch, went to a movie, shopped a bit, etc. Soon, us guys and gals had to split up so that we could buy dresses and they could raid the video game store.

I had ended up buying a pretty blue dress. It had a halter neckline and cinched at my waist before flowing down to an inch or two above my knees. It was turquoise with sapphires and silver fabric spreading out from my neck to my waist. I got simple black heels to match. It's the most beautiful outfit I've ever seen and I can't believe I'll be the girl wearing it.

Once we met up with the guys again, I showed my dress to Johnny and told him not to show Jaiden. It was hilarious to see Jaiden pestering my little brother for just a small hint.

After more shopping and food, my mother came to get Johnny and the rest of us parted ways until Monday. It was a great day and I'll never forget it.

Love,

Lexi

P.S. Only 6 more days until HOCO! I can't wait! Speaking of, I've got to call Jaiden. Bye!

Friday, September 17th, 2019

Dear Diary,

It's me, Lexi. I am so sorry I haven't written in forever.

Things have been pretty insane with my excitement on overdrive. The Chestnut Tribune, our school newspaper, has been extremely busy and chorus is preparing for our next concert, plus drama club has a play soon. On top of that and dance rehearsals, I've been swamped.

However, forgetting the stress and exhaustion, it is 3 am. I am currently texting my friends and most importantly, Jaiden. Guess where all of us were just 2 hours ago?

HOMECOMING! WE WERE AT HOMECOMING!!!!!

I know, I know. I'm dramatic, to say the least. But being dramatic makes things interesting.

This was honestly a great night.

It started off with me getting ready. From downstairs I distantly heard a knock on the door and my dad open it. In no time, I'd heard, "Lex Bex! Your date is here!"

Lex Bex has been one of my dad's nicknames for me since birth. When I came downstairs, clad in my expensive dress and dangerously high heels for someone as clumsy as me, Jaiden was standing in the foyer speechlessly.

He'd finally managed to compliment my appearance and I complimented his. Naturally, my dad got all protective and quizzed Jaiden over the most random topics before my stepmom managed to usher us out of the door.

We spent the night dancing in the school gym with our friends (I know! They actually danced for once!) and raiding the snack table. It was a night I'll never forget.

Plus, the highlight of my evening was when Jaiden KISSED ME goodnight in front of my house! And he asked!!! Literally, we had just been talking on my porch and then it got quiet and all of a sudden he turns to me, stares into my eyes and says, "Can I kiss you?"

And then it happened! And his lips were soft and his hands were warm on my face and the smile he gave me afterward and how I just boldly kissed him again and how he tucked my curled hair behind my ear and I just ughhhhh! I'm so glad I started this diary because who knows what would have happened if I hadn't? Gosh, I had my first kiss tonight. And it was Jaiden that got to claim it.

I still can't believe it. Nor do I know what to say.

But what I can say is thank you, diary. If it weren't for my decision to try to fix my terrible life by writing down my feelings and experiences, I don't know if everything would have turned out the way it has. So thank you, and I promise to write in you more often.

More love and happiness that I thought I could give,

Lexi