The Journal of Eteri Sibrdzne

Journal of Eteri Sibrdzne

2024.11.15

Morning Preparation

I dreamt last night that I was deep in a birch forest of the sort one finds in the North of Russia. Now this forest, being a dream forest, was also a library, and I was its caretaker. I moved freely through the forest, sometimes along foot paths and sometimes along canals, paddling a small canoe or kayak. But mostly I just flew. Each tree bore a multitude of texts in its bark, which it yielded when asked and then regrew. I was gathering texts for something, impelled by ... I am not sure what.

Today I need to focus today on my application to the Committee on Social Thought and get ready for dinner with Deborah, who said she would help me with my proposal and bibliography. I also have a large number of unusual items to catalog. Not my favorite thing, but at least I have a job at a university library at a school where I can continue my studies.

Oh-- I also want to see if I can go with Deborah when she checks out that strange library annex she was telling me about--the one everyone says is an SVR base. Even those physics geeks who spend all their time crawling around the steam tunnels are afraid to go there. And I need to figure out what Agent Intellect is.

And I must not forget to:

Call Mom

Apologize to Mariam for that cruel remark I made

From the Market:

Saffron

Six goat or lamb's tongues

Ingredients for Khmeli-suneli: coriander seeds, basil, savory, dill, chile, saffron blue fenugreek, bay leaf, mint, celery and parsley

Walnuts

Sapaveri or another good red

Benedictine (the liqueur, not an actual monk)

Noon Check-In

Deborah said that I may "absolutely not" accompany her to that library annex. She says that it would be too dangerous for me as a librarian but that she has some room as (kind of/sort of) faculty. Very big-sisterly of her. Except that I am not sure I want a big sister right now.

My mom is doing well. She says that the leaves are nearing their peak now in the mountains, but not yet in Tblisi. She is making Kharcho and writing poems and missing my father. It has been two years now. She says she may visit in the spring.

Funny we are both making Kharcho. It must be the colder weather. I do hope that Cepla likes it. She says that she has no problem eating meat. Apparently the idea that Buddhists are vegetarian is just plain wrong. Some are but Cepla is Nyimgpa. It is a tantric lineage. She says that besides, if nothing has inherent existence then there is no difference between meat and vegetable. To me that sounds like an excuse, but I know Cepla. She is quite serious. She says that we are all just nodes in a complex web of interdependence, living in each other's embrace. I suppose that that embrace includes devourment.

I keep putting off apologizing to Mariam. I really was terrible to her. I know she will be forgiving. But I am also afraid that she will be too forgiving and want to get back together. I am much happier with Cepla and should never have been unfaithful. Perhaps a letter rather than a phone call ...

Evening Reflection

Deborah was a no show. Now I am worried. Is there something about that library annex that I don't know? Surely, they wouldn't arrest her? But she doesn't really have anyone in Chicago to call if they did, except me. She did even text! Now I know how my mom felt that time when I simply spent the night at a "friend's" house without calling or anything. Should be angry or worried? I am both.

It was a wonderful dinner with Cepla, though. I made Kharcho with goat tongues and served it with leek pkhali and bread from Argo Bakery up on Devon Ave. Then she answered that question I had for her in a way words could never have matched. We were talking and I apologized again for my infidelity and she asked if I had finished copying the sutras she gave me (one of her little punishments!) and I said no, no I hadn't but that I would. And then ...

It was a conversation but so much more, a complete joining of bodies which enhanced a complete joining of the minds. I would have thought that the one would get in the way of the other, but it did not. We live in each other's embrace ...

Addendum: 0200

Finally, a message from Deborah. She is sorry. (She had better be.) Something about the library. Don't go there, she said, until I know what is up. She was arrested, or at least detained. But now she thinks the librarian or whatever it is likes her. She thinks she has a date. Kind of/sort of. Tentative. Russian Tea Room. But at least she is OK, so I can just be mad at her!

2024.11.17

Deborah had her date. Or part of it. It was going well, but then she had to use the toilet. So she goes back to the toilets and because it is a fancy restaurant there is an old woman in there, an attendant, handing you towels and things like back home. The woman leads her through a doorway. She assumed it was to one of the toilets … the cleanest one, perhaps, or one with more privacy. But then all of the sudden she is in a convent in Santa Fe that was turned into a hotel and which is now a … secret government facility of some kind.

I think she may have lost it. To think she wanted to play mentor to me? But I am worried, though. I will go by her apartment tomorrow, and if she is not there I will wait after one of her classes.

2024.11.18

No sign of Deborah at her apartment. Her classes were cancelled. The admin in the Humanities office said that she was away on an assignment and they would probably be assigning her class to someone else.

I’m sure glad I have Cepla –and that she holds me accountable. I know how inconsiderate I can be sometimes. I wonder if Deborah will respond to some …