#epicfails On Repeat.

I wake up to the noise of that video playing. Again. And my wife laughing. How many times can you find the same thing so funny? If I show any signs of being fully awake, she’ll give me the update. Probably up by 200,000 more views. Maybe we are up to 6million views now, or more. The world is bored and I offered a little respite for that in that stupid video. If you are curious about which video I’m talking about, just type ‘Superbaby’ in your YouTube search. Chances are, ours is the first video listed. Other media sites probably have it down under #epicfails.

42 hours earlier.

We didn’t feel like lunch. Things sort of went downhill from there. We snuggled up on the couch, so happy to have a few quiet hours without our baby running all over the small apartment and demanding attention. Has anyone else been so thankful for the internet like we’ve been during this time! Can’t imagine doing this without it. But also, without it I wouldn’t be the world’s laughing stock. Except that I wasn’t thinking like that at that time.

My wife - black long straightened hair brushing my face, her coconut shampoo scent filling my nose, soft curves perfectly molded into me on the couch, long perfectly manicured fingers tapping her phone endlessly, the absolute picture of beauty even in this lock-down I was only too content to simply hold - commented on the increasing number of challenges on the internet. And how nice it was to probably engage in one.

I blame the rest of the actions on an empty stomach.

‘Let’s have our own too,’ I suggested. But it didn’t come out as a suggestion. It seemed like I was all aboard the crazy train.

‘Really?’ She said turning to look me in the eye, ‘You are sure you want to participate in what you call “the mad rush to throw away any privacy”?’

I wasn’t sure. But she was looking at me with those perfect brown eyes that had taken on a twinkle of their own now that the option for a challenge was readily available. I wasn’t about to crush that.

‘Yeah, I’m sure. Let’s create our own challenge. Just the two of us.’

And she laughed, that beautiful sound that makes me lose my mind. There was absolutely no backing out of the challenge.

‘Well, we need like a few judges. Accountability…to make sure we pick up the challenge and stick to it. I won’t release it to the world but just our small intimate circles. This is going to be so much fun. We need to get the camera ready,’ She stood up, ‘Time for our diva moment. So what should our challenge be?’

We looked around our small square of a home. Our eyes landed on the keyboard we bought three months into our marriage but had never played. It was always our shared dream to learn to play the keyboard but after we bought it, life took its own path. She looked at me when we saw it and I knew we were thinking the same thing. Maybe this challenge would be good for us to follow through on this. At least come out of the lock-down with one to ten music pieces in the bag.

I set up the keyboard as she sent the news racing through her circles. Bits and pieces of what she said came out like, ‘Ron said yes…music….much harder than starting…an online thing…I don’t know…like We’ve Got Talent….oh yes yes yes! I’m so excited. Ok…let me see what he thinks.’

I was working hard at simply putting the wires in place when she ambushed me. ‘I think we can have like a live show every mid morning with our family and friends to report on our success. Something like We’ve Got Talent. And everybody is on board. Doing things they had put on hold for so long. Then they’ll show case it when we start. Roughly three hours everyday of showcasing our talent. Should be before lunch when the kids are still calm enough to be bullied into participating. What do you think?’

That it was a ridiculous idea! We’d never played the keyboard before, we were just getting ready to learn. We had no talent to showcase. But this time is hard on everyone. If she could get a kick from this, then sure, why not? Happy marriages are about compromise, right?

34 hours earlier.  

‘You won’t believe what I found,’ she said shaking the book she had in hand. She came dressed in her pyjamas. 

‘I probably will if you tell me,’ I responded as I tried out the keys. I’m no music expert but I was creating heavenly music. Sure I was a bit slow and could hardly remember the keys I had just pressed. But that was a lot more than I could have done a day earlier.

I was also becoming so possessive of the instrument I had barely remembered in five years. I had snapped at my daughter twice for coming so close to it and had barely left the seat for more than fifteen minutes. There was something about having the instrument there that kept drawing me in. I kept imagining my success and how well I would be playing once this was done. I thought of having it as a side career…maybe and playing for bands or at gigs. I saw my name on every headline. I had barely started.

‘Piano for beginners. I can’t believe we had this book all this time. Do you remember when Dad bought it for us as a joke. Joke on him now because we are going pro. Check it out, it tells you about posture and sitting before you begin. Middle C, whatever that is…it labels all the keys too. And it has beginner pieces for us. Want to choose yours and I choose mine then we battle it out tomorrow?’

I was impressed that we had the book. Everything was falling in place, like the world was saying this is our time to get our playing together. I chose “Twinkle, twinkle little star” and she picked “Happy birthday.”

She asked to have her time to practice and I left her to it. I walked away doing the mental math. I probably had only ten hours to get to playing a favourable tune before I had to show the world my progress. I wasn’t too worried. The piece had looked so simple to me. All I had to do was learn how to read a musical scale and everything would go just fine. I may not be a genius but I’m not dumb. And besides, this was for fun and to kill the time.

I wasn’t too worried…till I heard my wife play. She sounded too good to just be starting out. I started thinking of the circumstances that led to my agreeing to this, maybe she had been playing me all along to get a favourable answer.

My competitive side kicked in. I wasn’t going to lose to my wife even though it was a friendly competition. I did something I am not proud of. I went to the nursery and woke our daughter up. All I had to do was keep her awake, long enough to get her mother away from the keyboard.

‘What happened?’ my wife asked trying to be heard over a crying baby, ‘she usually sleeps through the night.’

‘I don’t know,’ I said handing her the baby, ‘I think she had a bad dream or something.’

And with that, they left me to my playing. I played the keys and my fingers raw. Till I could recite the keys of ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’ in my sleep. Till I could play the piece with my eyes closed. What’s that saying again, ‘pride comes before a fall’?

20 hours earlier.

I had rehearsed my piece early in the morning. Even my wife was impressed with the progress I had made and said so. With her gushing praise, I felt slightly guilty for sabotaging her practice. Slightly. For the first time since I had agreed to it, I was looking forward to the challenge. They say hind-sight is 20/20. I wish I had it then.

We set up a camera and my wife insisted on running her own as well. We set up our Zoom party and laughed along with everyone else. The challenge was a great idea. There was juggling and art, singing and poetry. On the whole, we’ve all got talent. Then it was our time. I had insisted on going last because I was ready to wow the world with my talent.

My wife played beautifully. And of course she insisted on having me take a video with her own phone.

I stepped up and decided to take the twist I had secretly planned in my head.

‘I’m going to play “Twinkle Twinkle little star”…’ the dramatic pause, ‘…with my eyes closed.’ I saw my wife raise an eyebrow and heard all the oohs and ahs from the family.

I opened the book to the right place and closed my eyes. I had played about two keys into the piece when I heard shuffling near the keyboard. I opened my eyes to find my daughter taking the book away. I stopped playing and asked her to put it back.

‘But you can play with your eyes closed.’ she said. I wondered if her mother had put her to it. And, for the record, I could play with my eyes closed but I needed the book to refresh my mind in case I forgot something.

‘Yes, but a good player always has their music near them,’ I responded as I made to grab for the book. We pulled it between ourselves for a while. By this time, we had moved directly in front of the keyboard. In the video, you can hear my wife say be careful you don’t tear it but I didn’t hear a thing then.

‘May.’ I pulled out that authoritative dad voice, ‘let go of the book.’ We kept at our little tug-of-war for a little while longer then she gave up.

‘Ok.’ She let go of the book and I fell back over the keyboard. I can’t explain the little missteps I took. Just watch the video if you haven’t already. There is that moment in the video when my wife can be heard saying ouch before the whole keyboard ensemble falls over my head. I felt the buzzing in my head and saw twinkly little stars in my vision. There’s that meme too - with me in a heap and stars circling my head like they do in cartoons. It’s captioned with ‘Playing twinkle twinkle little star with eyes closed’.

The part I regret most comes after that. My wife rushed up to me asking if I was fine while trying hard to suppress her laughter. I know it was concern but that silly camera was in my face. So I threw out my hand, according to the video (because I truly remember nothing after May let go of the book), keyboard somewhere in my face, the keyboard stand now a part of my limbs, and screamed, ‘Switch off the camera. Switch off the camera!’

12 hours earlier.

‘The internet is starting a new challenge thanks to you,’ my wife mocked with laughter laced in her voice, ‘Switch off the camera challenge.’ She collapsed into laughter. We were back where this madness began, on the couch and May sleeping comfortably in her bed.

‘Ha ha…this is why I never do these things.’ I had hoped the video would go viral but for different reasons than the one I was served with.

‘We are up to 2 million views in 8 hours.’ And she played the video again. The video is at most ten minutes, maybe five. I’ve watched it and I can’t see the allure in it but 2 million people thought it was worth their time.

‘Can you guess what happened to you when May let go of the book? I feel like the fall was a little too dramatic.’ I didn’t respond to that. I had no idea what had happened to me. Maybe our daughter did possess supernatural powers we were unaware of. 'I'm just glad that you are ok,' she continued, 'for a moment there I thought you had hurt your back or something.'

‘What I mostly want to know is how the video got online.’ She laughed in response and I felt her shrug against my chest.

‘I guess we’ll now go back to our quiet living without the challenges,’ she said as she settled close. I toyed with that thought a little. We’d go back to binge watching TV series and haunting the internet for interesting things to do or watch. This challenge gave us something to aspire to during our monotonous days.

‘No, I actually enjoyed this…till the epic fail. It’s good for accountability. And tomorrow I’m playing that Happy Birthday song. I can’t really mess it up, can I?’

‘Oh, knowing you, you’ll probably find a way.’

10 minutes later. 

‘We are up to 10 million views.’ My wife nudges me awake, ‘10 million views, babe. We could start our own successful YouTube Channel at this rate. And you won’t believe the memes they’ve created. This is hilarious.’ Of course she finds it hilarious. She is not in the video and still gets a lot of credit. May bursts into the room and jumps on our bed. It’s time to face the world; play the keyboard better and undo that wicked viral image of me.