The Love That Never Was

She sighed to herself as she exhaled a cloud of smoke, while snuffing out the burning remnants of her spliff, now only an empty, folded filter.

While snuffing out her spliff, she watched the smoke she blew out dance through the sun rays of the balcony doors, curling, once it reached the light, in separate directions before fading away into nothing.

Watching the smoke drift away brought a memory to her mind, along with the music that was playing softly in the background. One that she hadn't thought of in quite a while, because frankly, it painted her to think of what was, despite listening to one of the songs from that era of her life. 

And the thing that made the memory painful, was that it revolved around her first love, someone she used to trust with every fiber of her being --- seeing him as someone she could run to whenever she needed an escape from her toxic household.

She was a teenager then, barely 16, thinking she had it all figured out. 

Now, this young man and her never dated, but that didn't stop her from loving him so deeply.

To the point where times grew rough and he began to raise his voice out of nowhere, she chose to see the good in him, and remind herself that he was only projecting his hurt onto her for getting left for someone else by his long-time, albeit toxic, girlfriend and didn't know how to express his pain.

Sure, it was immature and pathetic to allow someone to do that to her, but they weren't lying when they say that people do crazy things when they're in love.

Because she sure did when it came to him. 

But back then ----- back where the memory happened, he was a whole different person. He was someone she could trust, and she didn't trust easily.

He was sweet, and she'd even joke that he was her human teddy bear, because he used to be that gentle and adoring with her. 

And now that he doesn't want her, since he's in another state with a girlfriend, and pets they got together, that only worsens her heartache at the memory of what it was like to be wanted by him, by her first love --- someone she loved so deeply and uniquely, that she couldn't find herself loving someone like that ever again. 

Maybe he was just a special case in her life.

And what makes it even harder to forget him, is the way they first met --- when his ex-girlfriend introduced her to him, they had a time-stopping eye contact --- to where the ex even had to snap him out of it.

That memory makes her chuckle every time she reflects on it, yet it also makes her sad at the same time --- part of her wishing they could start over like that again and do things right this time. 

Or maybe the time when he first told her that he thought he might love her, and he wasn't the type for falling easily either, so it made the girl's breath catch in her throat as he said them.

She wasn't even sure if she heard him right, so she said, "what?" with her heart ready to burst in her chest ---- and indeed, he gently said, "yeah," the confirmation making her break out in a relieved smile. 

And she remembers the summer that followed, how beautiful those summer days were, and what bittersweet memories they became, with him now out of her life.

He might be gone from her life, but he definitely hasn't left her mind.

In fact, he's all she could think about for hours sometimes, and sometimes, it's not so often. But nonetheless, she has this ache in her heart, especially when he enters her head at night --- filling her thoughts with his face, usually featured in some memory of hers ---- buried deep in the back of her mind during the day. 

She wished she could tell him through a phone call or a text that she missed him, but she knows it would probably only result in nothing but his heightened ego from the knowledge of her missing him, so she keeps it to herself.

Which was starting to take a toll on her emotionally, but she pushed through it every time, breathing the tears away through deep breaths and self-reassurance, because she probably wouldn't get it from him. 

She wished even more that he would be the one to tell her something like that, but she knew realistically, that not only would he not, but he couldn't either because of having a partner.

She sometimes went back and forth on considering herself pathetic or not, for still loving this person four years later, even with him gone from her life, and out of state. 

But hey, the heart wants what it wants sometimes. 

She then let the memory fade into another one from that summer; how she remembers one night where the moon was full and casting a glow on the grass in her yard, while she and him smoked together in the back of her wide yard, under the glow of the moon, with music gently playing from her phone to set the mood unbeknownst to him. 

And how she grabbed him by the collar of his flannel and kissed him strongly, yet gently at the same time, and how he kissed her eagerly in return.

It's been so long since she's felt his lips on hers, it's almost starting to feel like a distant memory.

Because, really, it kind of was now. 

She wished things could be different, could be better --- but every time he popped back in her life, he found some reason to leave it again, even if she gave him none.

One moment he'd be eagerly texting her, and the next, he's telling her to screw off because he's suddenly decided he doesn't want her in his life. 

And every time he did it, it always sucked for her, because there wasn't really much she could do about it. Not much she could say to change his mind, especially once it was already made up --- so all she could do was hold the door open for him, as he left her life, again and again and again. 

v

And yet, here she is, three years later, and three thousand miles apart from him, with him still somehow holding her heart captive. She doesn't know if she'll ever truly be over him, because Lord knows, she's tried, over and over and over.

Whether it be she was with someone else, or driving through her hometown, he could never leave her mind for long. Especially if she drove down a road that he once did with her in the passenger seat, the two of them laughing at him being purposely silly for her sake. 

Yet maybe there's a reason why she's unable to move on from him. As they say, everything happens for a reason. 

Like how maybe there's a reason for them mutually experiencing a time-stopping eye contact when they first met. Or maybe there's a reason why they could've dated, when he really liked her and was considering it, but didn't end up that way.

Or why he chose to get out of California and move to Missouri six months earlier than planned, breaking her heart in the process, because he was supposed to wait for her to move back to their hometown. 

And now he's in a toxic relationship with someone else, but won't leave for his own good, because he's always been too insecure to be alone.

She knows she should want him to be happy, but if he isn't happy and yet continues dating that person, then that makes it hard to not fret for his sake, about him getting away from someone who helicopters his ass, but yet keeps him and their relationship a secret online.

She often wonders how someone could willingly stay with someone else so unreciprocant continuously, and figured they must think that lowly of themselves to not know when it's time to end things.

And with him gone out of her life for so long, she found herself reflecting on that particular summer where he nearly fell in love with her, and how close she was to finally being his and him hers. 

Well, as they say, what's meant to be, will be, right? 

Although her anxiety kept her from being able to solely trust that saying, so she could only hope that how they met wasn't just a coincidence, and actually meant something in particular.