Hope Within

About twelve years ago, I was able to feel other people's feelings. If someone had love, forgiveness, and kindness in their heart, I can feel it in mine. If someone has hate, unforgiveness, lust, and fear in their heart, I was able to feel it. When I was home alone, I asked God what He wanted me to pray for. Sometimes He had me pray for one person or a group. I didn't tell anyone. I would visit people who had hate, unforgiveness, bitterness, and torment in their heart. Every time I went home, I felt so angry. 

God said, "Give it to me. It doesn't belong to you." So, I would let go of the anger and let Him handle it. Every time I went to this person's home, I would come back with anger. Again I gave it to God. I didn't feel the anger anymore. This went on for two weeks before I told God I was getting tired of asking Him to take something away if I'm just going to get it back again. 

He said, "Give it to Me anyways." 

I answered, "What's the point? I'm just going to end up with anger anyways." That day, I didn't ask Him to take it away. Every one wanted me to go visit them, but I felt like I wasn't making any time for God anymore. 

A thought said, "If you don't go, they're going to think you're being rude and selfish." So, I ended up going. I no longer made time for God which made me feel sad. While I was around them, I didn't feel like I belonged. I wasn't really interested in what they were doing. I didn't really care for it. I wasn't into partying and drinking. I didn't want to be around it. I knew that wasn't me. I wanted to be around them just not when they were doing that. When I got home, I cried to myself. 

A thought said, "God hates you."

 I responded, "You're lying." 

It said, "Your family thinks you think you are better than everyone else." 

I argued, "That's not true. I don't think I'm better than everyone else. I've made mistakes." 

The thought said, "I'm just telling you what everyone is thinking." I told it to leave me alone and it left. 

The next day, the thought said, "You're ugly." 

I said, "Leave me alone. You don't belong to me."

It said, "If I don't belong to you, how am I here? A thought can't just float around. I belong to you. There's no one else here." I looked around and I saw no one else in the apartment. I denied the thought but it was arguing with me. And then I realized that I was arguing with a thought. I became afraid because I never had a disagreement with myself. 

I started panicking and asked, "Am I going crazy?" 

The thought said,"Yes, you are. What will your family think about this? They're going to send you into the nuthouse." I cried. I didn't tell anyone what was happening inside of me. I didn't reach out to God either.

A month later, the thought said, "You're ugly." I tried to fight against it, but every time I deny it, it would bring up all of my mistakes and my failures. While this thought was trying to convince me to hate myself, there was another thought trying to convince me of what is right and wrong, good and evil.

During the ten months, I'd visited my family. If they said or did something I didn't like, I would let them know very rudely. I didn't like how I responded which made me hate myself even more. I would go home and cry. I knew I was changing into someone I didn't like, but I didn't know how to stop it. 

The thought said, "This is who you are now. You're evil." 

I said, "I don't want to be evil." 

The thought said, "Too late. This is who you are. Your destiny is to lead people to Hell." 

I cried, "But I want to lead people to God." 

The thought said, "How many times do I have to tell you that's not your destiny anymore? You need to face the truth!" I fell asleep crying. 

I dreamt about being with my family and I was angry. I screamed at them, but then I thought, "What am I doing? How is this leading them to God?" So I stopped screaming and apologized and started talking about God's love for them. 

I woke up happy and the thought asked, "Why are you happy?" 

I said, "Because I just dreamt that I was still leading people to God." 

All of a sudden, I felt so much hate inside of me and I didn't understand what was going on. The thought said, "No! Get it through your head, you're NOT going to lead no one to God!" 24/7, the thought would remind me of who I am supposed to be. It reminded me of all of my past mistakes and failures. Close to the end of the first year, I couldn't get any sleep because the thoughts never ended. When I was exhausted, I was having nightmares. 

One night, I asked God for help so I could get some rest. He said, "I can take them away if you ask." 

But I said, "These are my thoughts; I have to deal with them. I just need some rest. I'm so tired." 

He said, "Close your eyes." I closed my eyes. "I want you to imagine a wall." I imagined a wall. "Put yourself on one side of the wall." I imagined myself in front of the wall. "Every thought that you hear, put it on the other side of the wall." 

I asked, "But these are my thoughts, how can I separate myself from them?" 

He said, "Imagine every thought as a shadow. You can do it. Place the shadows on the other side of the wall." So, every time I heard a thought, I placed it on the other side of the wall. By the time I was done placing the shadows on the other side of the wall, there seemed to be about a hundred of them.

They tried to get back to me by going around the wall. "Imagine a wall that stretches as far to the East and to the West and it never ends." I imagined the wall stretches as far to the East it can go and to the West as far it can go. When the shadows realized it couldn't get me that way, they tried climbing over the wall. "Imagine the wall with unlimited height." I imagined the wall growing higher and higher every time a shadow got close to the top. When they realized they couldn't get to me, they went back down. They used all of their strength and punched and kicked the wall. Pieces were falling. "Imagine the wall being unbreakable." I imagined the wall being fixed and no matter what they did to the wall they couldn't get to me. I finally fell asleep and rested peacefully.

When I woke up, I had peace for a minute but then they all returned and I felt miserable again. For the rest of the year I couldn't get any rest because I didn't ask God for help. At the end of the year, I hated myself. I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't speak without having an unbearable hatred for the sound of my voice.

In the beginning of the second year, the thought told me to hate all the males in my life. I told it that I have forgiven all of them, but it showed all of their mistakes and it replayed over and over every single word that hurt me. While this thought was convincing me to hate, I started seeing things. One day while I was watching TV, in the corner of my eye, I saw a bug crawling on the wall. I quickly turned my head to look at the wall but there wasn't anything. 

It went on for some days, but then God said,"Ann, don't believe in the bugs or other things that seemed real. They're not. If you do believe in them, you're falling deeper into darkness." Every time I saw something move in the corner of my eye, I didn't look. I told myself it wasn't real.

When the thoughts realized I wasn't falling for it, they haunted me in my dreams. I dreamt of spiders and when I awoke, there would be a spider crawling towards me. I'd get out of my bed and look for it, but it wasn't there. It didn't stop there. I became paranoid. I felt like if I went outside, it would be my last day alive. If I stayed inside, something bad would happen to me as well. I was living in fear of everything. My family called me and wanted me to visit, but I didn't want to be around them anymore. 

The thought said, "They're going to think you don't care." 

I said, "I don't care." 

The thought pulled up a good memory of my family and showed it to me and then said, "If you don't go, I'll erase it." I didn't say anything. 

It said, "Okay, say goodbye to it because you'll never see it again." I tried to remember what it was but I couldn't. Every time I said no, the thought erased a happy memory of my family and friends. I had no good memories and what was left was the bad memories. By the end of the second year, I hated all the males in my life.

In the beginning of the third year, the thought wanted me to hate every single male. I noticed my memory wasn't like it used to be. 

I would misplace my keys or other things and the thought said, "Someone stole it." Or if I found it, it said, "Someone is touching your stuff and is moving it." Some time after, I realized that something was off in my mind. One part of my brain couldn't connect to another part of my brain. I couldn't come up with answers to really easy questions and I couldn't add or subtract numbers anymore. It made me terrified. By the end of the year, it felt like I hated every single male.

In the beginning of the fourth year, the thought wanted me to hate God. I don't remember much of this year. 

I have a memory of being frustrated and angry and I screamed, "I hate you, God!" But immediately, I fell on my bed and cried, "I'm sorry. I don't mean that. I know this is my fault and I have to deal with it." 

The thought said, "God hates you now because of what you screamed at Him." I believed it. It erased all of my memories of God. I couldn't remember all the times God saved me in the past and I didn't remember the relationship I had before all of this began. All that was left was pain, misery, hurt, hopelessness, shame, confusion, anger, hate, loneliness, fear, and bad memories. I became trapped within these thoughts. By the end of this year, all of those feelings had a life of its own.

In the beginning of the fifth year, I became emotionless. There were times when I laid in bed and pressed my ear a certain way on my pillow just to hear my heartbeat. When I was awake, I forgot I had a heart because I felt dead and cold on the inside. I didn't want to live like this anymore. 

The thought said, "There's a way to make everything go away." 

I asked,"How?" 

It said, "When you wake up, touch everything and say it's not real. It's only fantasy, and when you go to sleep, tell yourself that's real."

So, I touched my bed and said, "This isn't real. I'm dreaming." I touched everything one at a time and said that. When I laid down, I said, "My dream is real. Everything else is fake." I did this for about three days. On the third day during the night while I was in the middle of calling something fake in my room, I felt something in me jerk. 

A voice said,"Ann, don't go down this path. It will be hard to get you back." 

I cried, "But there's no other way." 

He said, "You need to face your pain." 

I cried, "I don't want to. I'm afraid." 

He said, "You can do it. You need to start by going through your apartment and tell yourself that's real and your dreams are fantasy."

 I went around in my apartment and touched everything and said, "This is real. My bed is real. This apartment is real'' and so on. It took a whole week before I truly believed what I was feeling was real. One night while I was laying in my bed, I heard a voice I haven't heard before. 

He said, "I can give you rest if you give me your soul." I was so tired and I just wanted to sleep. I told him okay in my mind. He said, "Say it out loud." I thought it was strange, but I told him I would give up. I felt something in me start moving. I became afraid. 

He said, "Your soul is fighting against you. Tell it to stop." I told it to stop fighting. It moved even more inside of me. 

I cried, "Why are you fighting against me?" I heard it reply, "I'm not fighting against you; I'm fighting against him. You know that is Satan and he wants to hurt you." I said, "I don't see a way out of this. I'm stuck like this forever."

The voice said, "What about God?" I felt hope inside of me. I thought, Oh yeah, God. I forgot about God. He's my only hope. 

The thought said, "God can't save you. You're too far gone within yourself. He won't forgive you; you've used up all of your forgiveness from Him." 

I said, "I still have to try." I asked, "God, I know it has been a while since I prayed, but will you forgive me, and save me?" 

God said, "I forgive you. Now ask me to take all of those feelings out." 

I became afraid, and I didn't remember who God is; so, with a sorrowful heart, I said, "God, I don't trust You. I'm sorry. Help me to know You." 

He said, "Read the Bible." I read the Bible again. Every day, I read the Bible. A week later while I was reading the Bible, I heard swearing words in my mind. I told it to be quiet but it didn't. 

I said, "God, I don't want to read Your book and hear the cussing words." 

He said, "Keep reading." I kept reading. The next day, it was worse while reading the Bible. 

I said, "God, I need help." 

He said, "What do you do to get to know someone?" 

I said, "I write letters because it's easier for me to express myself." 

He said, "Keep reading the Bible and write to Me." So, I did. In the first couple of days, I only wrote the basics. As the days went by, I wrote my feelings. 

The thought said, "God already knows how you feel, there's no point of telling Him. You're wasting your time." I kept writing anyway, but the thoughts kept bothering me. 

I said, "God, they're bothering me. I need more of You." 

He said, "Go to your living room window and look out." I walked to my living room window and looked out. I saw a church across the street. He said, "If you really want to know Me, go there." I became terrified. 

The thought said, "Everyone will know you're evil. They will be able to see it in your eyes. If you give them a handshake, they will feel it. Don't go; they won't understand!" 

God said, "You need to face your fears, and go to church. Don't be afraid." 

On Sunday, my mom and I went to church. 

When someone shook my hand, the thought said, "They just felt the evilness from you." I didn't look at anyone too long in the eyes because I was afraid they could see evil inside of me. Everyone was so friendly. A week later while my sister and I were at our Mom's place, my mom's friend was there. She was talking to my sister about God. 

While she was talking, God said, "Listen." 

She said, "Give God all of your troubles and worries. Trust in God." When I was alone at home, I finally prayed for God to take away all of those feelings and thoughts. When I got done praying, I no longer heard those thoughts and those feelings were gone. I finally heard my own thoughts again.

A week later, I got baptized in Jesus' name for remission of my sins. That means, my sins are forgiven and are forgotten. God has been with me every step of the way. The church has taught me who God really is. His name is Jesus. He's the one who died for our sins. He loves us so much that He doesn't want us to die in them but to have victory over them. The only way to have victory over sin is through His Spirit. If you're going through something like what I went through, know that He can save you just like He saved me. Give it all to Jesus.