I Feel So Inclined

Mildred sat in her favorite chair by the window. In her lap was the afghan she had been crocheting for the last two months. She held it up and examined her progress. It was for her niece’s birthday in March – plenty of time to get it finished. Outside the window, a male and a female cardinal vied with an angry chickadee over the sunflower seeds in the feeder. The bright sun on the snow was blinding and made her eyes hurt. She went back to her crocheting.

Her husband, Harold, had been outside puttering around in the shed. He suddenly burst through the kitchen door, stomping the snow of his boots on the rug. “Gol – ly, what a gorgeous day!” he whooped. “Mildred! We need to do something! Get dressed!”

“I am dressed. Where do you want to go?”

“I have an idea. I was hanging up my tools and happened to notice the kids’ old sled. Let’s go sledding!”

Mildred laughed. “No, seriously. Where is it you want to go?”

“I’m being serious. Remember how we used to have to drag that sled up that hill over and over again when the kids were little? They’d stay out there until we were afraid they’d catch pneumonia. But before that, you and me used to go sledding, just the two of us. We used to have great fun!”

“That was forty years ago! You want you and me to get out there and slide down that hill like we did when we were kids?”

“Sure, why not? Come on, get dressed. We’re going sledding. Come on, get up!”

“And who’s going to pull me back up that hill?”

“Aw, come on. It’ll be great exercise.”

Mildred looked out the window at the brilliant sunshine on the snow, then looked back at her husband’s beaming face. Oh, why not? She laid aside her crocheting and got up.

She still tried to make excuses. “What in the world am I supposed to wear? I don’t have any snow pants.”

“You’ve got long johns. Just put on a pair under your britches. It’s not that cold out.”

She went in the bedroom and started rummaging through the bottom drawer of the dresser for her long forgotten long underwear. She pulled them out and held them up by the waist. She hoped they still fit. Forty years and forty pounds ago.

She pulled and tugged and thought about a banana in reverse. She tucked her overhanging tummy into the top of the underwear and ran her thumbs back and forth under the waistband as she pulled. Finally, they were up, and she had already worked up a sweat.

Pants, two pairs of socks, blouse, sweater, jacket, hat, gloves – she was ready for a nap! She waddled out to the kitchen where Harold waited drinking a cup of coffee.

“Ready?” he asked.

“I guess so,” she said.

He set his cup in the sink and headed out the door, Mildred following close behind.

The hill was right behind the house. It wasn’t a huge hill, just big enough for an enjoyable downhill ride. Harold set the orange plastic flat sled near the start of the incline. “Come on, I’ll help you.”

Mildred walked over to the edge of the sled. “Okay, put your leg over on the other side so you’re straddling it,” Harold said, holding her hand. She swung her leg over so the sled was underneath her. “Okay,” he said, “hold on.” He stood in front of her, took hold of her other hand and lowered her towards the sled. When she was about six inches above it, she couldn’t suspend her weight anymore and plopped down on her butt. The sled jolted and started to move. Harold jumped out of the way just in time as Mildred and the sled took off down the hill without him. The forward movement rocked Mildred backwards and she found herself laying back on the sled with her feet flailing in the air above her.

“Hold on, Mildred!” Harold called. Hold on to what? The snow was just melty enough so the sled flew like a rocket down the hill. Mildred felt every little bump along her backbone.

“Aaaacccckkkk!”

At the bottom of the hill was a ditch with a small frozen stream running through it. The sled planted itself into the other side of the ditch in the snow and Mildred slid forward on the sled so her butt was wedged firmly against the snowbank and the sled with her feet still in the air. She was completely stuck.

“Haaaaaalp!

Harold had been galloping down the hill behind poor Mildred all the way. “Mildred!” he said when he reached her. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”

If she could have reached him, she would have slugged him. “Just get me out of here!”

He walked around to the top of the ditch in front of the sled. “Here, take my hand.” Mildred just looked at him with one raised eyebrow, her butt still plastered against the snowbank. “Well, maybe not,” he said. “Wait a minute.” He climbed down the bank beside the sled and took her hand. He pulled but Mildred didn’t budge. Then he got an idea. Instead of pulling, he pushed.

Harold pushed Mildred until she started to roll off the sled on the other side. Now she lay face down in the snow with her knees up against the bank. “Okay,” he said, walking around beside her. He reached down around her waist and pulled as she tried to push herself to her knees. Finally, she was up standing in the ditch.

“Gee, that was fun,” she said looking at him sideways.

“That was just a glitch. It’ll be better next time,” he assured her.

He pulled the sled out of the snowbank and pulled on Mildred’s hand as she climbed out of the ditch. They started up the hill.

Harold reached the top long before Mildred did. “Yeah . . . that . . . was . . . a blast,” she said gasping for breath.

“Let’s start with the sled a bit further from the edge.”

Mildred nodded, still heaving.

This time, Harold sat down on the sled first and dug his heels into the snow on either side. Mildred once again straddled the sled and tried to lower herself onto it. Just like before, she got within six inches and then it was free-fall. Harold rolled his eyes as she narrowly missed his nuggets.

Mildred crossed her legs on the sled in front of her and Harold tucked his feet around her. And there they sat, several feet from the top edge of the hill. “Hmmm,” Harold said. “Okay, rock!”

The two of them jerked back and forth together slowly inching the sled to the top of the incline. They finally reached it and the sled began forward movement on its own. They were sliding!

About halfway down the hill, the sled started to come around sideways. Mildred started leaning and the edge of the sled started digging into the snow. Soon they found themselves flipped off the sled and the sled sped merrily on its way down the hill alone. At the bottom of the hill, it planted itself in the snowbank in the ditch again. Harold and Mildred were left on the middle of the hill laying on their sides with Harold’s legs wrapped around Mildred. She was exhausted and couldn’t move and he couldn’t move because his leg was underneath her. So they lay there.

Mildred started to laugh. The more she laughed, the harder she laughed. She got Harold laughing along with her. Soon, they were both laying there laughing hysterically. “Ooops,” Mildred said.

“What’s the matter?”

“I peed a little.” Now they laughed so hard they really couldn’t move.

They finally calmed down after several minutes. Still they were stuck. Harold put both hands in the middle of Mildred’s back and pushed. She started laughing again but at least now she was face down on the snow and his leg was free. He stood up and she rolled over. He tried to pull her to her feet but he couldn’t because she was going uphill. “Wait a minute,” he said, and spun her around on her back so she was facing the other way. She started laughing yet again. This time when he tried to pull her to her feet, it was much easier going downhill. Too easy, in fact. She got up on her feet and her forward momentum kept her going. She fell forward onto Harold and they both fell back onto the snow. Now they were both laughing again.

“Tell you what,” he said, trying to regain his composure. “You lay right here, and I’ll go get the sled.”

Mildred laid there trying to catch her breath. She watched Harold as he goose-stepped down the hill through the snow to get the sled. Finally, she felt like she could move, and she got to her knees, but she was still headed downhill. She turned herself on her hands and knees until she was headed uphill, then managed to get to her feet. She climbed back to the top of the hill where she had to sit down and gasp for breath again.

She watched as Harold slowly climbed the hill pulling the sled. When he reached the top, he slung the sled so it was well away from the edge of the incline, then he sat down next to Mildred huffing and puffing.

A car drove in the yard behind them. “Mom! Dad! Are you all right? What’s the matter?” their son Dwight yelled as he got out of the car.

“Sure, we’re fine,” Harold said.

“What are you doing sitting out here in the snow?”

“We’ve been sledding,” Mildred said.

“Yeah, right,” Dwight said. “Did one of you fall?”

“Fall? Nah. We’re just resting,” Harold said winking at Mildred.

“Well, come on in before you catch your death,” Dwight said.

Mildred looked at Harold and smiled. How times have changed. “Did you have fun?” Harold asked.

“I had a blast,” Mildred said.