Regret

“Falling in love with you was never the plan, you know,” I stated, looking down at my hands, pretending to inspect my fingernails, but honestly, I was just trying to avoid making eye contact with him. “Rebecca and Frank tried to set us up long before we ever met, but I had absolutely no interest in dating the man that she described to me.

“Rebecca told me all about how you worked for Frank’s construction crew down in Georgia, but that you came up here to Maryland a few times a year to help him with the rental homes, and that even though you were a pothead, and even though you were thirteen years older than me, she thought we’d be perfect together.”

A little smile tugged at the corners of Micah’s mouth as he pictured my reaction to that description in his head.

“You know very well that I rolled my eyes at her. I would rather stay single than get involved with someone who was so much older than me, lived almost a whole coastline away, and was a complete pothead. I knew it would only end in heartbreak.” I stopped fidgeting my fingers and looked up at Micah as a single tear slipped down my cheek. “I wish I had stuck with that,” I whispered.

Micah dropped his head and looked away from me as I said that. I knew this conversation was not going the way he hoped. “Elena, I -”

I wiped the tear away and cut him off before he had a chance to continue. “I never believed in love at first sight until the day I saw you,” I said, turning away from him. I couldn’t look at him if I wanted to get out what I needed to say. 

“I don’t even remember why I was there, but I had gone to Jessica’s apartment in the middle of the afternoon. I don’t remember if I was dropping something off, or maybe I was letting her dog out for her while she was at work, but there you were when I stepped out of my car. You were busy mowing the lawn, so I don’t think you saw me, but I sure saw you, and I swear my heart stopped beating.” I laughed a little at the memory of that hot July afternoon.

“I don’t remember that day,” Micah said.

I nodded slightly. “I figured as much,” I said, turning and giving him a little smile.

“I had never felt that way about anyone so quickly before. I figured I must be insane. There was absolutely no logical reason why a complete stranger would make me so weak in the knees. So, I told myself that I was just crazy, did what I needed to do, and left without saying a word.

“But little did I know that I would be meeting you a few hours later.”  The puzzled look on Micah’s face told me that he still didn’t remember that day. Nice to know the feelings from that day were mutual. 

I took a deep breath and continued. “I left Jessica’s and went straight to Rebecca’s like I did most afternoons. We sat at the bar in her kitchen, drinking tea, and talking about anything and everything, and at some point, Jessica joined us, but I can’t say I really remember her getting there.” I knit my eyebrows together as I tried to fill in the blanks from that day, but I was so head-over-heels for Micah at the time that everything else kind of just blurred together. 

“I remember when Frank came home for dinner that night and he was telling Rebecca how nice it was to have Micah up here helping for the summer. 

“I still hadn’t put the pieces together yet. I didn’t remember that you were the one that they had tried to set me up with before, and I hadn’t figured out that the man I saw mowing earlier that day was the one Frank was talking about. 

“But then you walked through the door and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I only snapped out of it when my mug slipped through my fingers and shattered on the floor. Man, Jessica never let me live that moment down,” I said, shaking my head and chuckling. 

“I couldn’t believe that you were standing there in Frank and Rebecca’s kitchen. I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest, but I somehow managed to shake your hand when Frank introduced us. 

“It was weird, though. Even though you gave me butterflies and made me feel every sappy emotion in the book, I was surprisingly calm when it came to letting you make the first move, which was not at all like me.” I looked over my shoulder at him. “I think part of me knew you were going to break my heart.”

I turned my head back around and started fidgeting my fingers again. “Later in the week, I left to make the drive to visit my family, so imagine my surprise when my phone rang and there was a Georgia number on my called ID. I was even more surprised to hear you on the other end asking if you could take me out to dinner when I got back home later that weekend. 

“Obviously, you know I said, yes, but what you don’t know is that I called Rebecca on my drive back home a few days later and told her how I didn’t want to go to dinner with you. It had been a long weekend and I was in the middle of a long drive and dealing with a first date was the last thing I felt like doing. All I really wanted to do was get home and go to bed. 

My voice cracked a little as I kept fighting back the tears. “But Rebecca told me how excited you were. She said you hadn’t been able to stop smiling and talking about your date with me all weekend. So, of course, I couldn’t let you down. I hate disappointing people, so I let you take me to dinner that night. 

“I don’t know what was wrong with me. You made me weak in my stupid knees and there I was trying to rush through dinner so that I could just go to bed,” I said rolling my eyes. 

“Not long after that night, Rebecca reminded me that you were the man she’d told me about so long ago and even though at that time I was dead-set against dating you, I suddenly no longer cared and let you take me to a biker event a few days later. Even though motorcycles weren’t my thing, I was so excited to spend the afternoon with you and try to make up for how crappy I made our first date. 

“I remember stuffing our faces with barbecue that afternoon. I remember how my breath caught every time your hand brushed mine or when you sat so our arms were touching and I could smell your cologne. 

“And I remember you driving me back to Frank and Rebecca’s and asking me to stay a while longer. Frank and Rebecca were at the biker event, too, so the house was empty and you wanted to keep talking. 

“I was so nervous when you picked out a movie and plopped down next to me on the couch. You see, I was raised as a good Christian girl and had never been alone with a man that wasn’t family. I mean, good Christian girls don’t let themselves get caught up in compromising situations, but something about you made me not care at that moment.

“That was the night you kissed me for the first time.” I wiped my tears away with my sleeve. “And that was the night that I fell head over heels in love with you,” I whispered. 

“If I had known then how badly you would hurt me, I don’t know if I would have done any of it at all,” I said, the tears flowing freely now. 

I looked back over my shoulder again and saw that Micah’s eyes were filling up with tears. “Elena, I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion.   

“I know,” I said, looking away from him. “All I wanted was for you to love me as much as I loved you. I gave you pieces of me that I swore I’d save in the hopes that it would make you stay in Maryland. I just wanted you to stay,” I choked out through the tears. “And I let you break me down until I was just a shell of myself.  I let you break me down until I didn’t know who I was anymore...until I was someone you didn’t even like anymore. 

“And when I became the worst version of myself, you left me, and I was shattered. I didn’t think I would ever be able to put the pieces back together and get back to the person I was before you. 

“But somehow I did. I don’t know how, but Jessica and Rebecca played a big part in helping me find myself. One day I woke up and I was happy again and was finally ready to move on with my life, or at least I was until my phone rang. 

“At the time, I was so happy to hear from you. I told you all about the new guy I was talking to and all the things I was going out and doing and how happy I was. I was the girl you had fallen in love with again and it wasn’t long before I let you suck me right back in.”

I sniffled and tried to wipe my tears away again, but I was running out of dry sleeves. “Letting you suck me back in was the biggest mistake of my life and I wish more than anything that I had listened to my friends telling me to stay away. After all, they were the ones who helped piece me back together. They knew what a second breakup would do to me.”

I turned back to face Micah and looked him in the eye. “I know they say that everything happens for a reason, but if I could go back and do it all over again, I’m not sure I would. I don’t know if the heartbreak was worth it.”

Micah broke eye contact and stared off into the distance. He knew he couldn’t make up for the heartbreak he caused. He’d had his second chance and he couldn’t blame me for not wanting to try again. 

“But I guess that everything that happened helped me become who I am today, “ I said, taking a deep breath. “Yes, I have cracks from where I was put back together, but maybe, just maybe, I needed you so that I would appreciate my husband when I found him. Maybe I needed you so that I would know what love was and what it wasn’t,” I said, standing up a little straighter. “So, maybe, for those reasons, I don’t regret what happened with us after all.