“What a reckless lover”

Pft! another engulfing moment. I'm out here in my head thinking, and thinking. It's a lot to suppress right now, Jimi. It's 3:00am on a Tuesday morning and I'm about to take a stick from my cigarette pack. I see the full moon from my bed and I can't withstand it. She smiles innocently at my broken soul. I see the soft puffy snowballs dropping gently and there you came into my head. Your memories squeezed in, and now I'm stuck. I see your visions running past the window.

It's that favorite time of the year, remember, Jimi? I still feel your grips round my waist, pulling me softly with so much intent. This is where I never want to be lol. My smile always betrays me when I try to hide it. Now, I'm helpless and flow with the rhythm of your enchantments. Your beauty makes my heart race like an avalanche. I can't think better. I breathe you, I feel you.

Our first dance did not take a great turn nor was it the best but something struck us. The paintings; the story behind them. It's so fascinating and intriguing. I missed how you passed the messages through my mind. You were good with it. You loved art. It's literally your safest haven. I still think about our first ice skating. Omg! how were you so angelic? Your moves were as swift as anything else. You pushed me, you wanted me to do it. Ouch! I couldn't contain the pain from my broken ankle. I loved how you paid attention to it. I felt like a bird with broken wings being treated. Oh Jimi, you took my whole being. You were my first light.

I passed through the train stations. I still see you sitting and feeding the birds. They loved you too. So adorable. I drove past Mr. Kenny Chips and tears rolled out uncontrollably. The sweetest moment was when the sun hits my face, and quickly, you sang the Danier Caesar's “Best Part”, ‘It's the sunrise, and those brown eyes yayy, it's the one that I desire’. You were so spontaneous with it. So effortless. So soft. I didn't let you finish it, I threw in a kiss, a long tasty one. Jimi, I wonder how you're fairing right now. Have you moved on? I doubt, I think you flush the part of me you've shared. C'mon! Run back to me, I beg you. You told me you burn for me. You said I was a home of so many galaxies. You took me for adventures within and outside of me. I'm broken, I'm worthless, I'm at the peak of every mountain with pain. I wished you never made that first step when my coffee spewed, you beautiful bastard. Urghhhh! This is an eternal loop of you. I want to roar till the heavens shake. I'm the weakest of the weak. You birthed a new demon. I forgot who I was and now, I'm one hardcore loser, drug addict & alcoholic. Funny yea? A preacher's kid is already in hell before you. Too bad. I'm sure the big man up there has forsaken me just like he always does. I never asked for any of this. I wanted to love with intentionality and not get hurt. We're just “young grown up fools” like grandma said when we had sex in the car. What a moment of utter disgust.

Well, that was relieving. The yelling and all that, epic drills. For a moment, I think about White Hart Lane. The white crystal-like buildings and deep historical designs around them. I never liked how quiet it was, and I think that's because of the oldies in it. The tea sessions were also a favorite thing to do with you. Ms. Taylor wouldn't let us leave her weak lovey hands. Surprisingly, I have never felt that peace she oozes anywhere. She's like a supreme being typa woman. She loved treating your hair like an egg. Wash, dry and comb. I miss her so much not for what she did for us, but for who she is. Her 80th birthday was joyously awesome. We all felt like babies there. She single handedly chose you to be by her side while cutting the cake. What a reckless lover! I felt a bit jealous. I wanted to be her handbag. Well, you were loved by everyone Jimi. Oh, the bumpy ride date. How on Earth would anyone come up with that idea? I'm still in awe with how things went. It was all fun until your belt strap loosened and you flew out of the car. I laughed hysterically and I still do when I think about it. Sigh, that made me laugh. Sweet baby boy.

It's been 2 years already. Growth has taken place yea but let's see how things would go. My bed probably feels the absence of a god. Haha, that was a silly joke. Sigh, I've dropped a huge weight. And I'm struggling with processing thoughts but oh well, this has nothing to do with you. Hmm, our anniversary is in 2 weeks. Winter indeed, is the most beautiful time of the year. I miss playing with the snow. Love the fights we used to have on it.

I've got few more months to live on this Earth, and giving me this moments to reminisce about isn't really bad after all. I have been an overthinking asshole. I have cancer. It's exhausting. Well, I'm excited to go home. I want to be free. I see the pathways sometimes... It's really clear. June 12th, he said, “It's cancer, Lolade” I'll die and I wish you come to my grave all the time, Jimi. I'm so weak. Take a look at the leaves and you appreciate life better when you see my state. Is that really a better way to appreciate life? Haha, what do I know, poor bitch. Maybe I create a fun-before-death list. That should be extremely weird but fun. Haven't done a skydive before, I think now should be a chance. I need to taste the healthiest spicy chicken on earth, and it's from the Koreans. I want it. I want my taste buds to feel Glory of that piece, yes! And what if I fall in love again, and have sex with a high school slim Korean teen just like in the shows. I need my life to be in order. I want to freaking be there. In these undying moment, I want to be in it forever.