A last chance

 “When did these ghastly thoughts start? Where did I start to fear what I want?” That’s what I kept asking myself every night after I left her, alone and hopeless. Endless nights of sorrow and regret. It felt as if I was drowning in a shallow pit with no exit. My throat clenches up at the thought of what I did, my body simply giving up as if it knew there was no fixing it.

I yelled to the top of my lungs out in the cold weather, feeling how the air went into my mouth hurting my throat. My desperation to mend my fallacy was eating me up till the point where I needed to go back inside to feel her warmth. “Just a bit longer.” I was on my way to her home. 

Arriving there, I find her on the doorsteps, a cigarette in hand, not lit. Even with my guilt I still managed to pull off a smile at her presence. “You’ve always loved metaphors. You put the killing thing between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing.” Sitting next to her I instantly knew my company was destroying her inside.

So many things that wanted to come out of my mouth, so many. “I'm sorry” is the only thing I had the courage to say but it wasn't enough. I wanted to break myself apart in front of her. I wanted to do so many things. I thought to myself, “One kiss, one smile, one laugh. It’s all I ask for. Let me see that beautiful smile of yours, let’s become what we have always wanted to be.”

My desires were getting the best of me, but I had to focus on a way to get a second chance. One second chance to amend my mistakes. Something finally came out, “I never meant to hurt your feelings this way, I never thought things would turn out like this. I let the bad thoughts get to me.” It wasn't much but I had to start somewhere.

She looked down on me, she was still the most beautiful girl to be engaged with, looking at me with the most purest eyes, getting lost in her brown eyes. I felt a sharp pain In my heart, as if someone had just stabbed me with a knife. I wanted to burst into tears, I shouldn't have even felt that way considering I am the one who destroyed everything we fought and believed in. 

I can tell she hesitated on speaking for a few seconds, but then she spoke. Her voice was so lovely, it was like listening to the calming ocean waves hit the shores on a sunset. “I know you never wanted to hurt me, to hurt us. I know you have been going through a lot. You're the strongest girl I know. You're the one I love the most after all. The one I wish to spend the rest of my life with.” You could hear the uneasiness.

I’m sure people were confused about my decision a week ago. Why I left in my white dress, oh how beautiful it was, running away in fear as far as I could. My mind acted for me. I didn't notice what I had just done till the very second I had arrived at my sister's house. It was the closest to the church. The bride standing there in her own white dress, more simple than mine, confused on why I hadn't come out yet. Guests waiting, murmuring to themselves. My Friends, my family, my acquaintances. 

My soon to be wife signaled my older sister to check what was waiting so long. She quickly ran to the dressing room, struggling with her heels, just to find I was gone. Little did anyone know where I was, crying, ruining my makeup and well done hair. So many thoughts speeding inside, not just my mind, but my heart as well. It's not that I didn't want to commit, I was scared that I couldn't keep up, that eventually, what I feared the most would happen. But, why? If I was doing it to myself that very moment.

The wedding was immediately postponed, my best friend and my sister came up with the idea to tell everyone including my fiance that I had suddenly fallen Ill and was rushed to the hospital, they had no clue where I was though. I had left my phone inside the dressing room. There was no way of finding me, so there I was, barefoot, walking in the streets of Tampa, after deciding to leave my sister’s house. 

Of course my fiance did not believe that story. She knew we were both waiting for this day since we were merely young, dumb, teenagers. So much money was saved for this event, ik my family was extremely exasperated with me. It is like me to run away from things easily, but never would she have thought I was capable of doing such a thing. Vanishing at our own wedding. The day we outed to devote our lives to each other and love one another till the end of our days. “How could I be such a coward? How could I doubt something so strong?”

A week passed and nobody had heard of me. I wouldn't open the door to anyone, neither would I come out of the house for anything at all. This is when I had finally decided to own up to my mistake. 

Once again, at her doorsteps, speechless at her company. It was freezing outside, usually it would never be this cold in a place like this. Perhaps I deserved to feel cold, to feel when someone you love to death gives you their cold back. I didn't know what to do next but I couldn't just stay there and do nothing. My body acted on its own. Quickly embraces her, causing her to fall back because of my impulsing weight above her. “Marry me. Please! Angie we can fix this. I can fix this. I will never leave you again, no matter what! I know we are both women and we have been through hell and back because of it but please! I beg you..”

I yelled but not so loud since I was next to her ears. It was starting to darken out and the neighborhood was silent. I felt her embrace me back tightly. Is this it? 

Her embrace was warm, just like Tennessee whiskey. I wanted more and more as the moment passed. “I had faith that you didn’t want to leave me, you let your emotions control you again.” She whispered in my ear as I exploded. My tears fell like a waterfall. My whines were so loud, I sounded like a baby wanting to be fed. She had let me stay in her embrace since I was a mess.

We stayed there for hours, she made hot cocoa, bringing it out since we both had been outside for so long, so long that when I checked it was already 3 am. We talked and talked, at first it was awkward just like the first time we met. I felt like there is more I needed to say, “I love you, Angie. I always have and I always will. I don't know what I was thinking. I felt so afraid. Please I'll do anything for you to forgive me.” I was almost begging but I was calmer and more recollected than before. “I was and kinda still am very pissed at you, but I know you, I know what you love and what you want. I know you so well. But, you need to make up for it and be more open about your feelings to me. It is not just about what happened the day of the wedding, but you as my future wife. What kind of person will you be with me?  I do want to marry you and you know I'll accept you over and over again because I know what goes on inside that head of yours, it's been 7 years since we met and started dating, You need to stop letting your feelings control you. I want to make this stronger, I want to make the US stronger. You think you can do that with me?”

I didn't hesitate to answer her question with a roundly, “Yes.”

We went inside and shared a passionate kiss, we both knew instantly that everything was going to be okay. 

“The reality is, people make mistakes.  Don't let one mistake ruin a beautiful thing.”

We shared an intimate night, making up for that week apart, for the endless, painful nights alone. It’s like time stopped for us.

“Forever?” “Forever.”