My Hands are a Voice

Eye on the target. Pull the string back. Elbow slightly elevated. Release!

I watched the arrow glide through the air, hitting the target square in the center. I looked around and saw others cheering. For some crazy reason, I thought they might be cheering for me. It wasn't until I turned my head slightly that I saw they were actually cheering for my brother Camdeon.

He, too, had hit a bullseye, though off by about an inch. I watched as he got pats on the back, presumably words of encouragement. I walked over to him, waving my bow to grab his attention.

"Nice job!" I signed.

He smiled, pushing a lock of curls out of his face. "You too," he signed back.

He was happy for me, of course, he was. To Ca,m we both hit a bullseye. I watched as others around tried to sign 'good job' or 'awesome'. Their hand placement was terrible, but at least they were trying. I walked back to the school grounds, dropping off my equipment on the way in.

I headed up to my dorm and closed the door. I pulled my cochlears off my head and placed them on the charger. They had died hours ago, but I didn't really care. No one else did. It didn't matter if I had cochlears on; I was the Deaf girl. Never mind the fact that Cam was hard of hearing. For some reason, he was inspirational; people learned sign language to talk to him, they gave him his accommodations, and I was stuck in his shadow.

No matter how good I was, no matter how much better I was than anyone at anything, I was Deaf, and that's all there was. I closed the blackout curtains and laid on the bed to sulk about the unfairness of my life in peace. I felt something at the foot of the bed and found myself looking at a pile of laundry that wasn't there a minute ago.

I sat up, looking around for my dormmate. I groaned and slid off the bed, landing on the floor with a thud. I crawled to the door before standing up and walking into the common room. Sannah had pulled open the curtains, lit a few candles, and was doing some sort of yoga pose. She was sitting cross-legged with her hands resting on her thighs. I walked up in front of her and booped her on the nose.

Her eyes flew open, and she smiled at me. She pointed to the side of my head and mouthed something. I figured she was asking about my cochlear.

"Hearing brea,k" I signed.

She nodded, standing up She pointed at me, then the candles, and at herself, then the kitchen. I was teaching Sanah sign, so far she could only sign the alphabet and finger spell. I told her I didn't mind, but sometimes hand gestures were easier than fingerspelling every single word. I blew out the candles and met Sannah in the kitchen. She pulled out a bag of popcorn and popped it in the microwave.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and read a text from Cam.

'Thought we were hanging out, you disappeared'

'Yea srry didn't feel like being a shadow anymore today lol'

I typed. I wanted to send it, but that would've meant explaining it, and I was not in the mood. So I deleted it.

'Had a headache went to lay down'

I placed my phone on the counter and watched Sannah pour the popcorn in a bowl. My phone buzzed again.

'Sucks hope you feel better'

'Thx'

I tossed my phone on the couch out of frustration. I tapped Sannah's arm and pointed to my room. She nodded and pointed to the couch. I grabbed my cochlears of the charger and put them on. I didn't actually turn them on until I got back to the common room with Sannah.

"You ok?" She asked, popping a handful of popcorn in her mouth.

I shrugged and flopped down next to her. "It'll take too long.' I sighed.

She shook the bowl, rattling the popcorn. "You have until I finish this.

"I had archery practice today and got bullseye, which was awesome, and Cam did, to sort of his was off by like a inch."

"Ok."

"Anyway, afterwards, everyone was telling Cam he did great and badly signed to him, I mean, the way they signed was like a white person trying to speak Spanish in a Mexican restaurant."

Sannah snorted

"But it wasn't the fact that Cam got told good job, it's the fact that people were signing to him. And the worst part is that it's always been like this, it's like he's the poster child for a inspiring disabled person.

"Which is already problematic," Sanah pointed out.

"And Cam," I sighed, "Cam doesn't see a problem with any of it.

"Men never do." Sannah popped another piece of popcorn in her mouth.

"And I don't know what to do," I said, sitting up, " I feel like a jerk for complaining, but is it that wrong that I want my needs met too, that I want to be known as something other than 'the Deaf girl' or 'Cam's Deaf sister'. I mean, I'm twice as capable as him in almost everything we do for some reason that I can't hear makes me a invalid, but for Cam, it's about how much of a inspiration and hard worker he is." I grabbed a handful of popcorn, shoving it in my mouth. I still had gotten used to the sound of myself chewing; it was weird.

Sannah put the bowl between us. "I won't lie and say I understand because I don't. But I don't think you're wrong for wanting the same things that Came gets. But this is kind of your fault."

"Excuse me?!"

"You can't complain about the unfairness of a situation, and not do anything, and still expect things to change. You said yourself, Cam doesn't understand how you feel, so tell him. Call people out if they ignore you. You deserve to take up space, but you're never going to if you don't speak up for yourself."

"You know, talking to you would be more enjoyable if you weren't always right about everything."

Sannah shrugged, picking back up the popcorn. "Get used to i,t dormie."

"It's roomie." I corrected standing up.

"We stay in dorms, ergo dormie."

I pulled her hijab over her eyes. "Not even close." I slipped on my house shoes and headed out the door.

"Where are you going?" she asked, fixing her hijab.

"To take up some space." I smiled, closing the door behind me.