FLOAT

Have you ever looked into the stars for so long that you felt like you were floating? As if you have lost your grip on reality and nothing matters anymore?

Just me? 

Above me the infinite universe remained dark, unyielding, and so beautiful. Lake water splashes on my toes, the only thing grounding me to Earth. 

Two nights ago I sat in this spot with Scarlett for the last time, I gazed at the stars with her for the last time, and I held her for the last time that day too. 

~

“How could the stars be so beautiful Scarlett?” I whisper, astonished by the cosmos above me, I had never been stargazing before, Scarlett finally took me. 

“I don’t know Lizzy, maybe they got their inspiration from you.” Scarlett sighs, she has been so tired lately. Life is so fleeting, just a wisp of smoke, so easy to lose. 

Scarlett is sick, cancer is taking over her day by day. Scarlett used to have good days and bad days, but lately they have all been bad days. She knows her time is coming, that her demise is near. She’s fought cancer for five years now, but it is slowly consuming her, and she can only fight for so long.

“Thank you Scarlett,” I pause because I have so many things to say to her but don’t know how to say them, “Do you feel like you could float away into them sometimes? The stars?” 

She contemplates for a moment, eyebrows turned down. “Sometimes I feel like I could float away at any moment, no stars needed.” 

Damn. 

“I’m sorry Scarlett, I know that is useless but I’m sorry.” she has told me many times to quit apologizing, after all, I wasn’t the one who gave her cancer.

“Olivia,” she takes a moment to breathe, “I know my time is coming close, death lingers over my shoulder like an extremely persistent parrot.” 

What a strange way to describe death. 

“I couldn’t tell you how it feels to have every fiber of you to be taken from you, day by day, and not being able to stop it.” Scarlett coughs this time, this is getting more frequent. 

“I know Scarlett, I wish there was so much more that I could do.” I whisper to her, I wish I could hold her tight and make things better. I wish there were the right words to say to fix things like this, to repair what has been broken, and restore what has been lost.

“My time is coming Olvia and I wanted to let you know that I could not have asked for a better friend beside me in all of this,” she leans on to my shoulder, “you didn’t have to stick around for this, we were only ten when this started, but you were there the whole time.”

She’s right, I was there for her. What else could I have done? Is there really another option? I only wanted to be with her, beside her. 

~

“Are you sure you don’t want to go outside and play with the other kids?” Scarlett whines, she’s afraid that I won’t have fun with her inside.

“Are you serious? All they do is play tag and then cheat when they are tagged!” I laugh back at her, what a silly question. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.

Scarlett was diagnosed with cancer six months ago, and is going through something called chemotherapy, it makes her sick and her hair fall out. My mom told me not to say anything about her thinning copper hair, because it might hurt her feelings. 

Scarlett’s mom is keeping her inside for the summer, but even if she didn’t I dont think Scarlett would have the energy to go outside. Scarlett’s eyes look darker than they used to and her skin doesn’t seem as bright. She also can’t eat a bunch of pizza like we used to, but that’s okay, we can find other things to eat a lot of that won’t hurt her stomach.

“Okay, I just don’t want you to not have fun because of me.” she sighed, she is wrapped in hospital blankets and has what is left of her in a sparse ponytail.

“If we are together we can always find a way to have fun!” I exclaim, it’s the truth. 

No matter where we are, we are always having a blast.

~

Except for now. This isn’t fun at all, facing mortality with your childhood best friend as she withers away before your eyes.

“Scarlett, this can’t be your time,” I whine, “You have gotten this far, you can’t stop now.”

“That’s exactly it Olive,” she sniffles, “I am tired of fighting this.”

That hits me like a ton of bricks. I had never considered that just because she could fight, didn’t mean she wanted to. 

We sit in silence, letting her sentence soak into our skin, the heaviness of it weighs us down. It makes me feel as if I couldn’t float into the stars, even if I tried.

“Scarlett,” I look her in the eyes, “You don’t have to fight anymore, you can let go.” tears swell and sting my eyes as I say words I never thought I would have to say.

“It’s okay to let go.” we hold a tight embrace until it’s time to go back inside. 

~

So many alarms were going off in the small hospital room, nurses, techs, and a doctor methodically working on Scarlett.

Oh Scarlett. 

She woke up exceptionally tired this morning, her mother and I helped her out of bed, but she insisted on walking by herself. How stubborn she could be.

Scarlett fainted within the hour and within 30 minutes she was in the hospital.

Everything was blur, nothing seemed real for so long. It was like everything was made up, a fantasy world I had fallen into and somehow woke up in.

“I’m sorry, she isn’t going to make it.” a sympathetic nurse delivers life altering news. 

Scarlett’s mother wails, falls into the arms of her husband, a blubbering mess. I don’t blame her, this isn’t fair. It’s complete and utter bullshit.

Scarlett’s mother signs do not resuscitate paperwork, how morbid, signing away your child’s ability to fight to live. It’s not like Scarlett wanted that anyways.

We spend an hour with Scarlett before she passes, singing to her, telling her jokes, and holding her for the last time. 

She is too weak to speak, but she’s at peace when she slips away. Her monitor showing a flatline doesn’t seem real at first, like it’s a sick joke. 

I know it isn’t though, this real life. Scarlett is gone, and I am here to deal with the aftershock.

~

It’s been a week since Scarlett passed, the funeral is tomorrow. Her house is filled with flowers, cards, and empty apologies and condolences. 

I have spent most of my days with her mother, clinging to her because she is the closest person to Scarlett. My mother gives me space to grieve, she worries that I am imposing, but she insists that I help with the pain.

I have taken tonight to lay out under the stars. I wonder if she is up there somewhere, looking down at me, watching over me. Nothing is the same without her, nothing feels right, as if it’s just a little off.

Shooting stars, planets, and the abyss of space dance above me in a delicate balance of power. I wonder how things can keep turning without Scarlett here, how the planets don’t get thrown off their axis.

Tonight I feel like I could float away, maybe I would collide with Scarlett among the stars that shine above me.

~