Long and Lonely Travels

Blue water. For miles and miles. There is nothing else to see out of the small porthole in my cramped bedroom. The smell of sweat and baked potatoes drifts down from the men’s room and the kitchen where Smiley cooks night and day. They call him smiley because he’s the only member of the crew without any missing teeth, besides me of course, but I already have a nickname. I relish the quiet of the night, punctured only by the occasional snore. Nothing like the sounds of the day. Yells, orders, waves, and the ring of the meal bell. Our little schooner, The Captain, was my father’s before he died. I took on a new crew and made sure that the Schooner was unrecognizable. I imagine our bright red sails fluttering in the evening wind.

I stare listlessly at the rising and falling waves, trying not to think of my mother or my brother, which is hard since they fill my waking and sleeping hours. I bury my face in the slightly damp pillow. At least I have one, I think. My first mate, Carlyle, the only crew member without a nickname, lives with the other men, he rarely gets a pillow and he seldom sleeps on the thin mattresses laid out on the ground. Thinking of Carlyle makes me smile, I’ve known him for most of my life. When my mother and brother left for a better life on some faraway island, my father and I took to living on the boat. Carlyle’s father was part of my father’s crew and as kids, we played around with the ropes while learning how to man the ship. When I became captain, I took him on as my first mate, knowing I could trust him. He’s never complained, though I know he wants to, and he’s always the first to take my side. He’s so much better at this than I am, he manages the crew with kindness and patience, all while watching me fail as Captain. I try my best, but I’m nothing like my father, he was like the brother of every member of the crew. 

I shut my eyes tightly, trying desperately to get some sleep. I remember Carlyle’s words when he walked me to my quarters. “Get some sleep, Princess.” He said with a smile, then turning serious he said, “Really, Reyna, I can see you haven’t slept, hell, the crew can see it. If you keep this up, I’m going to get Smiley to paint your eyes with an extract from the bugs he finds.” I wonder what would happen if the crew saw their Captain tired and weak. Usually, the gentle rocking of the boat would put me to sleep, but recently I haven’t been calm enough to sleep.

The closer we get to our prize the more my insides flutter, the more sweat pours down my back during the day, the more nightmares plague my nights. Sometimes I want to call Carlyle to my quarters and make him captain, but my father would not have sanctioned such a thing. My father was supposed to train me before he died, but the only thing he got to do was make me first mate, then the infection took over his body and took him away from me. We buried him on a passing island, where Carlyle’s father decided to stay.

For some odd reason, the swaying of the boat is making me sick. I push off my blankets and pull on my soft leather shoes, and a jacket to ward off the cold. I shuffle up the stairs to the deck. A burst of cold sea air blows in my face and makes me shiver. I stand with my arms resting on the rail, staring out at the ocean. I don’t notice Carlyle’s there until he gently hip-checks me.

“Hey.” He whispers, loud enough to hear over the wind. I don’t answer, not wanting to risk tears.

“Couldn’t sleep?” I shake my head, still not looking at him. “Me neither.” Carlyle clears his throat and rests his arms next to mine. “You know I’m here for you, right? And not just as your first mate.” I turn to him now and he sees the tears in my eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore, Carlyle,” I say staring at my feet. I feel his gentle hand, worn from years on the ropes, lift my chin so that I’m looking into his blue-gray eyes.

“You can, and you will, Reyna.” I nod, but I don’t feel the confidence he wants me to. I don’t need reassurance from him, I just need him to understand.

“I’m going to get some sleep,” I say, and I turn away from him walking to my cabin.

“I know you, Princess. I hope you’ll let me know what troubling you.” Carlyle calls after me. I ignore him and shut the door behind me, hard. I crawl into bed and pull the blankets around me, stewing in my own stress and sadness.

If only the boat would move faster if only we would arrive faster. Tomorrow I’ll push the crew further than they’ve ever been pushed before. Maybe Carlyle will man the ropes along with them. I can live through a journey, I’ve done it before. And despite my feelings, I’m not really alone, not really. I have Carlyle and the crew and the ship. But that doesn’t stop me from staring out the porthole and watching the waves splash back and forth. The rocking of the boat gives me my old comfort and my eyelids flutter closed. I think of Carlyle’s words; “You can and you will, Reyna.” Maybe he’s right, maybe I can do this, at least for right now. When we reach our destination, it might be a different story. But for now, I can be the Captain. For now, I can be the Princess for my father, Reyna for Carlyle, and my best for me. I take a deep breath. I’ve been on plenty of long and lonely travels.