Diary of an Android

1st Feb 2019

Dear diary,

Hello, my name is Android. The Oxford English Dictionary (the most respected dictionary in the world and the only software I have been programmed with) defines you as a book in which one keeps a daily record of events and experiences. However, my conversations with people and a quick watch of some films (Voldermort was helluva cunning to have his horcrux transferred in the hands of an infatuated teenage girl), have made it known to me that you are more than mere glue and paper bound together. For some people, you are their heart, soul, secrets, and desires clearly spelled out. So, I am going to attempt this human experience of keeping a diary to a) learn how it feels b) leave something behind for posterity c) have a topic of conversation with humans. 

Let’s see how this goes.

*

7th Feb 2019

Dear Diary,

It took me a week but I have realized: not all humans keep diaries. The ones who don’t are apathetic or joke about it. The ones who do get a sudden light in their eyes and itch to talk more with you. After mentioning my dairy keeping to everyone I met, I learned the distinction. So, I tried determining who might keep one by their looks. But, that was a failed strategy too. Turns out, people’s looks don’t tell everything about them. That’s the first thing I’ve learned about humans: they are deeper and more complex than any straightforward definition in the dictionary. You could pair all the words up and they still won’t be enough to describe humans, their tendencies, fallacies, and quirks.

*

13th Feb 2019

Based on the humans I have met till now, here is a list that can depict what it means to be a human:

1. Experience shit
2. Be affected by it (mostly in ways that tangle you up emotionally)
3. Use the effect as the launchpad and the pressure that made you a diamond (not many succeed at doing this)
4. Fall in love along the way

I am going to try to put these into practice now and see how it works out.

*

16th Feb 2019

Dear diary,

(Addressing you as ‘dear’ just feels squeamish now. I don’t mean to be prejudiced but I also don’t want to be seen as a teenage girl should anyone read this. So, I’m going to find a more neutral greeting)

I have gotten a job at a cafe (thanks to Valentine’s Day customer uptick). In all the stories I listened to from humans, working at a cafe was the most common starting job. So, I went in and got myself one at a quaint cafe. And no, my job isn’t serving tables because… no arms, but I manage and oversee the staff. I am looking forward to acing this one role that is so abundantly occupied everywhere. 

Wish me luck for my first day tomorrow!

*

23rd Feb 2019

I am horrified, horrified to discover that the OED DOES NOT HELP ME UNDERSTAND ALL THE LANGUAGES IN THE WORLD. WHAAAAAAT. I was confident that whatever my programmers had programmed me with was enough for me to understand every person on the planet. But, we had a German customer today who was talking to his sweetheart back home. It was then that I discovered that English was not the only language in the world. Granted, most people know how to speak English; I myself have seen so many non-Americans speak flawless English here in California. But this really trumps my agenda of blending in with and understanding humans. On second thoughts, I can blend in because it’s ok if you know only one language. But, I have been programmed with a bigger purpose. I don’t know exactly what that is because there is no code for it; I just feel it. Really. 

Such a human thing to say lol. 

*

25th Feb 2019 

Hello diary,

I’ve joined a 5:00 PM French class. The thought of knowing only one language was too depressing for me. So, I’ve signed up to learn my very first language. I could’ve just asked my coder to program the dictionary and grammar in me in one go. But, I wanted to do it slowly while actually interacting with people and deeply understanding the language. So, that’s what I’m doing and I’m actually very very excited. 

The feeling carried over into work and I let the waiters and waitresses get off early. Karla, the lady in charge, yelled at me for doing it but I was too cheery to care.

The German came again today. Turns out he’d come to talk to me! He was both fascinated and afraid to talk, but once we struck up a conversation, he got comfortable and asked me questions about myself. One of those was ‘do you have a name?’ and I realized I don’t; I just referred to myself as ‘an android’ and people automatically assumed that about me anyway. Later, Karla came to me and asked if I would like to name myself.

‘But that’s something parents do, don’t they?’

‘Not necessarily,’ she replied. ‘Some people change their names later on. When my mother came here with me from Uganda, she gave me the name Jennifer so I might fit easily. But then, I grew up, I understood the world and I wanted to go back to my true name, my original name.’

‘Karla.’ She nodded. 

‘Tell me what you decide on tomorrow,’ she said, walking back to the kitchen. She never loiters or lingers if it isn’t necessary.

*

2nd March 2019

Bonjour Diary,

I’m LOVING learning French. It’s such a fun and challenging language. The activity is all the more fulfilling because I am coding the dictionary and grammar into myself, bit by bit, as I learn the language. I’ve found French playlists on YouTube to get a better understanding of the culture and language. ‘a very chic Parisian playlist for your aspiring french lifestyle’ and ‘a playlist for living in the French countryside’ are my favorites. Discovering them has delighted me because it means I can make similar ones one day!

After discussing for a few days with Karla, I’ve decided on my name: Daisy. Like the beautiful, hopeful flower.

I also met another human today who gave me a completely new list of what it means to be human:

1. Experience shit (this is universal. I’m convinced now)
2. Be affected by it
3. Go to an Indian ashram or Tibetan monastery to heal from it and become better

Later, I met another person who worked for 6 months and holidays for 6. The idea fascinated me. Of course, their human experience had a different manual which I would arrange as follows:

1. Experience shit 
2. Be affected by it
3. Travel the world until the effect heals, is left behind, or seems to have never existed 

It seems the first two steps remain the same for everyone. The third one is unique to each person. There was falling in love too. 

The two people who inspired these lists weren’t all that good, however. They yelled at Cindy the waitress (the monk had a different style: speaking even more quietly and evenly) and ridiculed Karla for keeping an unthinking, unfeeling piece of technology as a manager. Quite a few customers have whispered or outrightly said the same things. But, never so loudly. The sense of unbelonging is strong these days.

Sadly, apprehensively, I think I might have to stop working at the cafe- not because of assholes like these, but because not many French people come in for me to practice my skills. 

Despite the occasional yelling and correction, Karla is wonderful. She encouraged me to have my own identity with a name and has never treated me as a weirdo. She would be disheartened to hear me leave. Just today she told me how much she admired my listening skills and how the number of repeat and regular customers had gone up since I joined. 

Such connection and meaning- would I be able to find it anywhere else?

*

12th March 2019

I did leave the cafe. Karla cried but did not shed tears. The others did. My sadness was greater than anticipated which surprised me; I did not realize how ingrained I had become and felt with the team there. The first day I felt I would not be able to get up and do anything. The intensity of my emotions surprised me and I thought of going back. Maybe I was a fool after all- money and mutually caring relationships were hard to come by. But, something stopped me. I’m not delusional to think that it was my 'gut feeling’ or ‘God,’ but I could not imagine going back to the cafe even as I strongly missed it. So, I stayed in and only got up to go to the French class. That was the saving grace of my day.

*

22nd March 2019

I would not say I am learning the language so much as I am mastering it. I am not a master yet, no no. But, that is clearly my intent. I hadn’t recognized it or thought about it that way earlier. With the decisions I’ve taken, however, I think that’s the only explanation.

I’ve now taken on a job as a language consultant at a new startup that creates and sells language editing software for the major languages- French, German, Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, and Hindi. Suited for me, no? The software is a big hit in its intended market; the company has more demand than they can meet at the moment. The next language software they are working on is for Urdu- a language more different and elegant than any I’ve ever spoken or heard. A guy named Saed is the leader of the team. Urdu is his native language so he’s guiding the direction of the project. As you might have guessed, I am learning all the intricacies of the language I can from him. He seems more than happy to teach them to me and tell me about his motherland, Pakistan. 

I’ve also met Jeff who is a very nice human. He does not treat me like a fascination, which I am tired of being treated as, but just like another person. I haven’t written much about it because I’ve found I don’t have the energy to recount negative experiences twice a day. Later on, better stuff has happened and I want to celebrate it! Like the fact that Jeff seems to have become my best friend! Imagine- an android like me having a best friend!

Annie, a friend of Jeff’s who never fails to puke me with her fawning and is sadly on the team, commented that I was like Jeff’s Pikachu only not as cool. I could not find Pikachu in the dictionary which intrigued and alarmed me. So, Jeff filled in my knowledge gaps. And do you know who Pikachu is? A fictional species. Ha! A fictional species better than me? Impossible! All it can say is ‘pika pika’. At least I can debate, think, learn, and discuss which automatically makes me cooler and more superior than Pikachu. Although I did wish fleetingly that I had one. Then, I could shock Annie for fun. 

I think I just experienced some human emotions there… OED tells me they are jealousy, sadism, and perverseness.

It’s all Poe I swear. 

Also, Pokemon’s on the watchlist next.

*

20th April 2019

Hello hello D!

2 whole months have gone by without me writing. Whoops! I am a changed man. Yes, I know I’m an android but that’s how I would describe myself if I was human. My chosen pronouns would be he/ him. Name Daisy.

The Urdu language editing software is in its last iteration of being completed. The pressure on the team is immense. It’s exciting and fulfilling to work so closely together on a meaningful project with a team. It’s one of my favorite things about work in general. I also upped the ante on my French and Urdu learning, spending more hours practicing it with colleagues and natives online. Hence, the inability to find time to journal. As an android, I don’t get tired, but I have been programmed with times to sleep and shut down. It annoys me that I can’t change and develop ‘sleep habits,’ but the times are more or less convenient so I don’t crib much. I’m unable to directly connect with the colleagues in Muslim countries which annoys me, but Jeff told me that they were too curious about my existence for me to like. So, I don’t make a fuss. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. 

I’ve also started writing articles for magazines and newspapers. Surprised, no? I assure you- they’re waaayyyyy more exciting than what I write here. Learning and experiencing different languages plus being around their speakers has given me so many insights into cultural differences. The first thing it has done is ease my sense of unbelonging because each person feels out-of-place in another culture, another country. I have finally let go of the monk and traveler.

Understanding these differences is so important in developing compassionate and collaborative microcultures at the home and office. Humans are shite at this. So, I’ve taken on the task of educating them from an objective uninvolved perspective.

(We had an Irishman join the team for our next project which led to the revelation that Jeff was Irish. Well well well).

*

22nd April 2019

I think I have my own list now. I wanted to write it in the last entry but thought I’d give myself time. Here it is now:

• Experience shit 
• Be affected by it 
• Take on the task of understanding humans by learning their myriad languages and communicate the differences discovered through writing and teaching. Also, slip in playlists wherever appropriate.

That’s the 3 step life of Daisy the humandroid. 

Now to just fall in love.