Break through

Macy Hallmark had come in the morning to her job as a technical writer and illustrator. She had been working for James and Harvey for four years at an hourly wage. She checked her emails first thing, and there was a company mass email which was from her boss. The email had in the title: Company meeting to be held at 9:30 this morning. The email's context said that Mr. Harvey planned to announce and introduce the new lead technical writer and illustrator. As soon as she read that her blood pressure must have shot up. Because she felt moist, sweaty, and dizzy. Ms. Hallmark was well adjusted to the idea that things don't always work out as planned. But she was not adjusted to surprises or unexpected changes of this sort. At her place of employment! She thought it was outrageous. After all, they paid her to work, and she agreed to a set of work duties. This was not high school, she didn't expect to get a pop quiz one day, and a surprise announcement the next.

She had her degree in computer science and an engineering associate's degree. Plus she'd spent the last better part of two years learning how to code, and had built a rather large portfolio displaying her skills as a web designer. No one paid her for learning these skills either. For pet's sake, she had years of work experience. Why wasn't she made aware that an opening for a new lead technical writer existed? She had the credentials, she had the experience, and she wanted the damn job. After all, she had purposely focused only on her career for the past 8 years, and she purposely focused on being a dedicated employee. Could no one see this? Oh no she didn't make small talk at the water cooler and even brought her lunches so she could avoid having to leave the office. She was working on her career, and Dave and she dismissed the idea of having children right away because she was so dedicated to her career! So they could build a home and life, and be exemplary citizens was her focus. She had never dreamed of having a child before she developed a career.

Whoever they hired for the promotion would be her boss. Ms. Hallmark was already taking antianxiety medication ever since her husband died. She also had to take some sleeping pills to help her get to sleep, or else she would lie awake for hours at night. The next thing you know her alarm was going off, and she could her Chowder scratching on the hall door ready to come in from the garage. Macy's mind went scatter-brained for the next few minutes. So she had to get control of herself, and it was time to employ some positive coping methods.

Macy was glad Mr. Hallmark was a young 'ole miser'. If he hadn't have been so meticulous with their finances he'd left her alone with nothing. She didn't feel so alone after he died, because there were about forty thousand dollars in gold in the safe, and he left her with a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy. He'd paid the house and land off by their tenth anniversary. She remembers the trip he'd surprised her with that year. Acapulco's beach wasn't clean enough for Macy to swim in, but the sailing was the most memorable adventure Macy had ever had. There were pictures of the sailboat, 'The Super Thrasher" above the fireplace in Macy's living room. Actually, there were pictures of her wedding at sea as well on that same mantle. Macy's sister advised Macy that she ought not to live in the past, and she offered to redecorate for her. Her sister was a private interior designer who was well known for working on some of the wealthiest homes in Highland Oaks, Dallas.

But still, Macy wasn't interested. She and Dave; together had handpicked much of the decor in her house. She did not "keep a memorial to her past," hanging around because she was afraid of moving on. That's what Stacey said when she politely declined her offer. Macy liked it then, and she likes it now. That's precisely why Dave, and she picked a strong traditional motif when decorating the entire estate. He was a lawyer, and he would have reached his tenure and be entering into retirement by their 20th anniversary.

Sadly Mr. Hallmark passed 6 weeks shy of their 20th anniversary. Dave, before he passed had bought her these strength training grippers for her hands because she developed a problem opening jars like most women have. Macy was positive that this was not out of normality for most women. But Dave, even having a white-collar job had a blue-collar fix it gene in him. He had a woodworking shop, and worked on his bicycles in our garage as a part of the "Big Brother program," that he took part in.

Most mechanical, or maintenance issues that Macy faced and asked for his help on, he was thrilled to fix or address. He bought her a strength-building gripper. The idea was to squeeze this little plastic gripper and the metal coiled springs in it would provide resistance and strengthen one's grip. Oh, Macey wore out that grip strengthener during rush hour traffic.

Macey thought, If Dave could only see her now, she bought a riding lawn mower after all. That's about all her weekend fun, and pruning the roses in her flower garden. Macy did hire someone to mow the rest of the property because Ms. Macey Hallmark is not exactly a tractor gal. Well she said she might save mowing the pasture for retirement if she ever moves up in the actual career she is in then she will retire. I guess I can retire from being a lowly technical writer. "Stop, stop this nonsense, Ms. Macy Michelle Hallmark!" Those were quite often Macy's quiet words to herself. Each time she caught herself in a pessimistic attitude filled with negative thoughts. She would also focus on a quirky memory of Barney Fife, on the Andy Griffith television show. "Nip it, nip it in the bud." That's a famous quote of Barneys'. She and her late husband loved that show, Dave would often refer to Barney as "your boy," when he was talking to Macy.

It was almost time for the meeting, and even though Macy had tried to focus on some positive aspects of her life, she felt defeated. She decided to incorporate an activity she'd learned in therapy, to access that imaginary briefcase that was filled with positive coping methods. In cognitive-behavioral therapy, she learned she was very guilty of black and white thinking, and discounting the positives. That's why she purposely thought on uplifting memories, and counted positives in her life. She had been at work for almost an hour and felt internal rage rearing its ugly head inside of her after she read that unexpected email. So Macy set herself on auto-pilot. She was currently clearing all the cookies on her web browser and performing routine maintenance on her computer when Tim tapped her on the shoulder.

"What, I'm in the middle of something!" she said with a catty indifferent tone to her voice. Tim took a step back and looked very surprised. "Ms. Hallmark, it's just me. I mean, it's time for the meeting and everyone else is already gone. You are usually such a hard worker that I thought you might be so distracted by your work, that you didn't notice. However, I knew you would want to join us." Tim said sheepishly. Macey was so surprised and embarrassed she let out a huge sigh of relief, and then she breathed in a large amount of air and puffed out her chest a little to exert the non-existent confidence she normally portrayed. Ms. Halmark smiled and said, "Oh Tim, let me apologize the traffic was just horrible this morning and there was an accident, I guess that's why I'm snappy and on edge."

Tim looked relieved he said, "So seeing that accident must have really shaken you up, huh? Oh, I saw a bad motorcycle accident when I was a teenager, and still to this day I get nervous when a motorcycle is driving close to me on the freeway. I can empathize. with you, and I understand. Here let me get your chair for you." Ms. Hallmark says, "Oh Tim, how kind. And they say chivalry is dead." Tim smiled, and turned red in the cheeks."

Who was this person Macy was pretending to be? This person was accepting kindness from a co-worker she hardly knew. This person was human and ok with the fact that she wasn't perfectly prepared, and ok with the fact that she was human and made an error? It was a male co-worker too! She was even making up stories to cover up her own social disgraces.

Actually, she unknowingly was letting herself off the hook Tye's death in that motorcycle accident. She had begged him not to buy a bike and even refused to ride with him. Yes in fact she had seen a motorcycle this morning, but the accident that made her late was not a motorcycle accident, that she saw. So subconsciously she had begun to dwell on what Dave's accident must have been like. She did see a motorcycle accident, but it wasn't really that one that bothered her. It was Dave's accident, the accident she didn't see 3 years prior. It was her husband Dave's accident in which he was killed.

Macey went to the meeting and was still kind of zoned out. Tim who was seated right beside her had to nudge her and call her first name to get her attention. Macey looked up and realized that everyone was clapping except her. Tim looked at her and whispered to her, "Whatever happened this morning, forget it and stand up to accept your promotion." Ms. Hallmark was flabbergasted and stood up. Mr. Harvey went on to acknowledge Macy's hard work and dedication to the company. He even mentioned that Ms. Hallmark never took even an extra minute for her lunch break, He noticed how she never left the office early, and sometimes stayed late too.

Macy felt so appreciated and forgot all about those nasty thoughts she had in the hour just prior to the meeting. This was a milestone in her life. She went from being an hourly paid employee to salary. Certainly, this had to be advancing her closer to the ideal executive she aspired to become.

She was doing it. Her psychiatrist was right, she was pushing straight past the present, ignoring the positives, or discounting them and leaping into the future. Finally, Macy felt a breakthrough. She certainly was not going to let it go either. She was going to celebrate the breakthrough. That day she made a plan, a plan that involved celebrating both the past and the future. She had two weeks' worth of sick days she had never taken at her work, she decided to take that flight to Kodiak Island. She and her late husband had saved for years to purchase a high-end adventure vacation package for their twentieth anniversary. Since she was going, she'd decided to ask her sister to re-decorate her bedroom, and living room while she was gone. Oh if she was going to Kodiak island, she planned to leave her luggage behind. Each bag that she would leave included items like anxiety, depression, phobias, fear of the unknown, panic disorders, separation anxiety disorder, and any other negative thinking patterns that existed hidden within her soul. Well, these issues were going in her figurative bag, and she planned to lose the bag before she left the theological airport. So, when she comes back to her newly decorated home, and her new professional position at work, it will be all that much easier to pick up and thrive at the abundant life she had been blessed to live.

Later that evening she called her sister and informed her that she would be gone for the next two weeks, and she could begin working on the bedroom, and living room and she would bring her the keys, and a credit card for the new furniture purchases pieces. She asked her to please put the old furniture, and pictures into the garage. Her sister was quite astonished, and she was also cut off from asking any questions. Macy told her, "My flight is on schedule, and I really must go. Dave and I planned this trip together, I can't miss the flight. I will leave a hide key and credit card in an envelope under the mat in front of the front door. I must take Chowder to the kennel, love you. And thanks a lot, bye sis." "What about clothes, and who's going to water the plants?" her sister asked. Macy said, "Oh the plants will be ok, it'll rain, and I can buy a few new things. Bye." That quick she hung up the phone, left the hide a key and credit card in an envelope under the mat, and took off with Chowder. Oh, Macy felt like a conservative wild woman. She turned on the radio to a rocken with the 80's station and drove straight to the airport. She laughed out loud as she drove to the airport. She could see her sister so shocked.

The vacation to Kodiak Island was wonderful, the guided tour bus trips were a wonderful addition to her trip of anonymity. Macy came home to see a handsomely decorated living room. The bedroom was most intriguing with "The Starry Night" image painted on a mural above her bed. She slept in on Saturday morning and spent the better part of the afternoon shopping for new house plants. Sadly the house plants were lifeless, but not the flower garden. It had rained quite a bit while she was gone. As she was weeding, she found herself humming church songs she learned as a young girl in the church choir. Life was good again.

Oh what a wonderful wonderful day

Day I will never forget

After I wandered in darkness away

Jesus my savior I met

That song, that song. Where did she learn that song? Macy hadn't been to church ever since before college, she acknowledged. The next morning Macy joined her sister in the chapel at church and has remained a devout faithful Christian widow for the past 10 years.

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it

The End