Midwestern Gothic Coffee

Good morning! Thank you so much for coming into Midwestern Gothic Coffee today. We’re featuring a few new fall drinks, as you can see from our specials board. Oh yes, the names are a bit unusual. Would you like to hear about them? Of course I’d be happy to tell you all about each one!

The Pumpkin Sriracha Latte 

If you love that pumpkin spice but don’t want to look basic, we’ve got you covered. The Pumpkin Sriracha Latte has a triple shot of espresso and a two ounce pour of genuine sriracha sauce for a kick that will knock you right out of your favorite fall boots. We top it with whipped cream and red pepper flakes.

—no? Not for you? No, I don’t need to answer that phone. How about this one? 

The Fuzzy Novel

Nothing says fall like breaking out your cozy sweater selection, curling up on a blustery day with a moody novel, and sipping something warm. In this case, it’s a hot apple-peach cider with our own autumnal twist. We add the cider first so that it stays on the bottom, then the top layer of the drink is foamed hot milk. You get a beautiful gradient of color that way, just like the gradual turning of fall leaves. Pulped pages of prose from works by Mary Shelley are blended with the milk, and we add a pour of orange juice to make it curdle, so it’s just like the blood-curdling experience of reading a gothic story. A little sprinkle of fuzzies from a fine angora sweater atop the foam will remind you of the sweetest moments of fall.

You’re very thoughtful, but yes, I’m sure I don’t need to step away and get the phone. It’s probably just that person’s lawyer calling again. Where were we? Are you perhaps a college student? You might enjoy this one.

The Night School

For some of us, the onset of fall isn’t all carving pumpkins and cozy bonfires. Once those first chilly winds sweep in, you might have visions of test scores and overdue financial aid applications. We love our college students here at Midwestern Gothic Coffee—how they stay for hours, using our internet after buying a single drink or cookie, the loud study groups that never seem to work through more than three questions—so we’ve made a drink to show our appreciation for the spirit of returning to school. This limited edition beverage has day-old coffee from the gas station down the street, mixed with your energy drink of choice and stirred with a graphite pencil. If you prefer, for no extra charge we'll throw in powdered creamer or a tablespoon of instant coffee blend. It’s the perfect desperation-flavored boost of caffeine to get you through a late night lecture after work, or even that eight AM class you had to take because you waited so long to enroll.

Ah, why does that next drink cost two hundred dollars? Why, because it’s an entire experience. Let me break it down for you, and I think you’ll agree.

The Relative Comfort 

Autumn is the season for politicking! And if you’re not too much of a hipster for social media (and how would anyone appreciate your hipsterism, if you were?), you know that your aunts and uncles and their various offspring have been just ramping up for those debates since spring. This latte is the perfect solution if you’re dreading getting cornered at a holiday table between your family’s most adamant red and most insistent blue. Rather than obligate you to approach the buffet table, the drink already combines everything you love about a family gathering with none of what you don’t. Instead of milk, we’ve blended a creamy mashed potato with our signature dark roast. We skip the dessicated turkey, and in its place add a bit of shredded ham, stirring to infuse the drink with that sweet honey ham glaze. A pump of our pumpkin and our caramel apple syrups finish this beverage with notes of your favorite pies. Just to make it fun, we blend in red and blue food dyes to give the whole thing a nice purple hue, so everyone who approaches you knows that you’re staying on a comfortable middle ground. Served with a beanie and a pair of wireless earbuds, just in case.

A bit out of your budget? Yes, I see you already have a pair of earbuds. No problem, I think this one will be a real winner for you. In fact, it’s probably perfect, based on your reactions to our other drinks.

The Seasonal Depression

For our last drink, we really wanted to capture the feeling of that transition into autumn. To start this one, we take two shots of espresso and steep it for fifteen minutes so the flavor is purely bitter and all the heat is gone. Then we throw in a half cup of water and serve it in our largest cup so that it looks like you only got half of what you paid for. The barista flexes the cup expertly so that the bottom bulges and won’t balance, and cuts a little hole into the side of your straw so that every sip you take is infused with the frustration of life’s futility. Oh, and the espresso for this drink is decaf. The disappointment of drinking something both bitter and watery that doesn't even give you any energy really reproduces that feeling of despair you get when Daylight Savings Time ends and it gets dark before you've even left work. We believe that when you try this special take on the Americano, you’ll remember all the things you didn’t accomplish this year and it will truly put you in the spirit of fall.

Not even that one? You must not be a coffee person. Then how about our Loose Leaves Teas? All locally sourced directly from our own sidewalk. We have Actually Dirty Chai, Earl Grey Sludge—or how about the Boston Tea Party Blend? We float a single tea leaf in real East Coast sea water with artisanal seaweed threads. That one usually gets quite the reaction, one way or another—

Wait—! Where are you going? Aren’t you going to order?