Does the Heart Want What it Wants?

I've always heard the quote, "The Heart Wants What it Wants", from so many people growing up. But, I honestly never have and never will believe in something so far fetched, or maybe I'm just in denial because I'm scared of the outcome if I truly did listen to my heart. It's not easy being in a small minded town with the population literally being less than 300 people, and being well... different? Fine, I'll just come out and say it, if my family or this town ever truly found out that I, Lindsay Freely, am 100% a lesbian, I would be disowned and looked down upon. Not to mention, that my father is the preacher of the only church in town! So yes I do know what my heart wants, but it wants what I know I can never try to have. Or, so I thought. Let me explain from the beginning!

As a mentioned my name is Lindsay, I'm 17 years old and I am labeled as "The Preachers Daughter." My father is extremely strict and makes sure that I follow every single rule he has for me. For example, he chooses everything for me, what I wear, who I hangout with, and of course he always has my days planned out for me. It's hard but I make due. I feel like things could have been different, but after we lost my Mother in a car accident a few years back, he turned into this overbearing helicopter dad. I try my best to make my father happy in anyway possible, it's not like I don't understand why he's so overprotective. I started out my Wednesday morning as I always do, wake up at 6 AM, get dressed for the day, I usually wear a nice pair of jeans, with a nice button up top that's almost always white, or pink because my father thinks it shows pureness. I then braid my long straight brown hair into a side braid, and put on a little bit of mascara and a clear lip-gloss, nothing else though, my dad would think I'm trying to be a sinner... After I get dressed I go down stairs to prepare breakfast for my dad and I. On this particular day I decided to make homemade chocolate chip pancakes, with lots of butter and syrup. I also make some freshly squeezed OJ and start to brew my coffee up in a French press. One thing I do have say so on is cooking, it's probably one of my biggest passions, and I have dreams of becoming one of the best pastry chefs in the World! "Good morning dear, this food looks so amazing!" says my father as he is walking down the stairs, I meet him at the end of the staircase to give him a kiss on the cheek and hand him his newspaper. "Good morning Daddy! It's a beautiful day today! Maybe I can do some outside activities with the kids at youth group tonight?" I know that if I ask this it will please my dad, when in reality I'd rather be out with real friends enjoying myself. "That sounds like a perfect idea Lindsay! You make me so proud!" I smile and bow my head to pray for the breakfast we were to eat. After an awkward breakfast I send my dad on his way to get the church in order for youth group and I clean up and head to school.

When I arrived to school, I do my normal routine, say hi to my "friends." and get ready for my first class of the day. But, this day was about to change my whole entire life... "Good morning class, we have a new student with us Today! Everyone say hello to Selena Lynne." When Selena walked into that classroom my heart swelled, she was stunning from her long curly jet black hair, to her spiked combat boots. Her makeup was stunning, her eyebrows were perfectly arched, her lips red as cherries... so kissable..., and her winged eyeliner could cut diamonds! And every little detail of her made me just melt. Is this what it means when people say love at first sight? I wish... but I could never ever openly be with her so I'll just look, never touch. "You may sit by Lindsay." I jolt up when I hear this shit shit shit why does this have to happen! Selena makes her way to me and I swear it's like slow motion as she is walking, so gracefully... I watch as her hips sway with her hourglass body, it almost makes my mouth water. I want her so bad, and I've never wanted someone that bad in my life. As she finally sits down by me, all I smell is her intoxicating perfume, it smells so sweet and musky at the same time. "Hi Lindsay, I look forward to getting to know you better! Maybe you can show me around?" I look up wide-eyed her voice is even beautiful, what the hell! "S-sure no problem!" nice going Lindsay you can't even speak... She looks at me and winks and says "No need to be nervous Linds, I don't bite... to hard." she sticks her tongue out at me revealing a tongue ring right on the tip. Thanks World, make her even more attractive. I blushed and nodded and started studying for class. The class felt like it would never end, and I just could not focus! You know that scene in Twilight when Bella sits by Edward and the minute the bell rings he bolts because just her presence is enough for him to ravish her? Yeah that's exactly how I felt and that's what I wanted to do... but this is real life, and I'm not a vampire, so I'm screwed. When the bell rang, I was so relieved because I could get away from her, but of course, she followed me to my locker. "So Lindsay, I think I have science with Parker next... will you show me where that is?" SERIOUSLY!!! That was my next class ugh! "Yeah, that's my next class too so you can just follow me..." I said quietly as I looked down at the floor of the Highschool. Selena then did the unexpected, she took her hands and cupped my face and pushed it towards hers and I just wanted to drag her to the bathroom and slam her on the stall and smear her red lipstick, "Don't be so shy with me I'm not going to hurt you Lindsay, it's almost like you don't want me near you." I looked the other way and took a step back from her. "I know you won't that's why I can't be near you." I exclaimed as a ran off to the bathroom. I swung the doors of the bathroom open and checked to see if I was alone, when I realized I was, I took a deep breath and sank down the the floor. Why was she so touchy feely? Why was she torturing me like this? I shook it off, Selena is just a nice person, she doesn't want me like that. She's so beautiful she probably knows I'm not her type. I can't be her type. I can't.

The rest of the day seemed like a blur, I couldn't focus at all. I just played the scene of her cupping my face over and over again. And it made it even harder when I realized she literally had ever class with me. Every single time I glanced over she was looking at me too. She probably hated me after I snapped at her. Good, I'd rather she hate me. When school was finally over, I started my venture home. The school wasn't far from my house, so I walked to school. I was thankful for walking this day in particular because I could clear my head and hype myself up for youth group. "HEY! Lindsay wait up!" Selena yelled. I turned around to see her jogging towards me, and I felt instant dread. I really couldn't shake this girl could I? I stopped and let her catch up, I could have turned around and booked it home, but I didn't want to look stupid. When she did catch up she started walking beside me, almost shoulder to shoulder in fact. "Lindsay, I barely know you and you barely know me and I want to know why you have decided to just avoid me like the damn plague!" When she asked me like that I was shocked, she really does catch on doesn't she? Well, I always have the perfect excuse for this situation. "I just don't think my Father would approve me hanging out with you, I'm sure you're really nice but my dad is pretty stereotypical when it comes to new people..." Selena looked at me and just began laughing "Well, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him right?" Shit, she really is impossible to shake. And then, I blurted out something I would regret for the rest of my life. "Tell yah what, my dad is the preacher at our local church, why don't you come volunteer and help me with the children's youth group tonight, be there at 6." Selena smiled at me and gave me a huge hug, her breasts squeezed against mine, and she told me she was so excited and then ran on home. I was royally screwed.

As my father and I pulled up to church, the more nervous I was becoming. And of course, there was Selena waiting outside the doors for me. I looked at my father and he was looking at her with an eyebrow raised. "That makeup is not very appropriate for Church..." he said in a disgusted way "Who is that Lindsay?" I put my head down, great not only did he not like her already he was also questioning me. I had to pull a lie out of my ass and quick! "She's the new student at school, I offered for her to come volunteer with me at the youth group activities, she seemed eager and I love to recruit new people to know God's love." Good save Lindsay good save. This sold my dad as he smiled and patted me on the back, "Look at my amazing girl working for the Lord!" He then got out of the car and I followed behind. He greeted Selena with a huge hug and welcomed her with open arms. She played along as well and they seemed to hit it off. That's good at least. "Okay, you girls have fun! Show her around Lindsay while I set up for the sermon." And off went my dad to do his duties. "Well, come on I'll show you my room for the kids and we'll get started on their snacks for after the service." I said and walked away briskly. I just couldn't bring myself to even look at her, she was just so perfect. As we arrived to the youth room, Selena gasped in awe of the place. "Did you decorate all of this yourself, it's so welcoming!" I nodded and blushed, I did take pride in my youth room. I had it decorated with all the new age things kids liked and incorporated the Gospel into it of course. "Thank you, I really do work hard to keep the kids attentive." I said as I started walking to the kitchenette in the room. "So what kind of snack are we doing?" And I giggled, I opened the fridge to take out the dirty and worms I made. I made everything in it from scratch. The chocolate cookie crumbles, the pudding, and even the whipped cream. "Holy shit Lindsay! Oops sorry I didn't mean to cuss, but did you make this all from scratch it looks stunning!" I blushed again. "Yes cooking is my passion, especially pastry cooking." I said quietly. Selena grabbed my hand and then pulled me towards her, we were so close that our noses almost touched. I was terrified. "Stop being so shy Lindsay, I'm not going to do anything to you that you don't want me to do. I was so enchanted by her that I just wanted to pick her up by her hips and prop her up on the counter so I could just kiss every inch of her face and neck, instead I just stood there looking so deeply into her sapphire colored eyes. "I can't do what I want to do Selena, don't you know that?" I said as our lips were almost touching. "Just do it Lindsay, I know you want to-" she didn't even get to finish her sentence I immediately began to kiss her. She started kissing me back, out tongues began to touch and tumble with each other, and I let out a soft moan into her lips. It felt so right, so hot. We made out what seems like hours and I suddenly pulled away from her. "Selena, I can't do this you need to leave." I wanted so much more I wanted to rip every last piece of clothing off of her, but I just couldn't do it. She looked at me shocked and sad at the same time. "I had a feeling you would say that... You're going to live a miserable life if you don't be who you truly are you know. I will leave, but mark my words Lindsay, if you ever decide to be yourself, you know where to find me." Selena then kissed me sweetly one more time with tears in her eyes. "Goodbye." she simply stated and walked away.

That was actually the last time I ever saw Selena. Turns out her dad was in the military and traveled quiet a bit, and when she found out he was leaving, instead of staying behind with her mother, she felt no ties in my town, and went away with him. Selena was my biggest regret in life, but she was my biggest blessing all in one. I'm older now, 25 in fact, married to the love the of my life, Jessica, with our adopted son, Benji. I came out when I was 19 and to my surprise my father was extremely supportive. Selena taught me that if I truly wanted what my heart wanted, I had to be honest with the people my heart loved. I still think of Selena from time to time, and maybe one day I will be able to thank her. I may have not gotten what I needed because of my fear and stubbornness, and Selena may have not gotten to be with me, or show me way earlier that I could 100% be with who I wanted, but, my heart showed me I wasn't ready yet and that it just simply takes time.