A Midwinter Night's Love

Maybe I should've told you. You looked right at me with those brown, doe eyes of yours and waited for me to say something but I just couldn't. Just say it, I reminded myself over and over again but nothing ever came out. I wanted to tell you how sad and in love I am with you. I wanted to spill my guts right then and there right in front of your front door but I couldn't. It was late and you were tired and even though you waited and put off sleep just to come meet me outside, I still couldn't say it.

Yet, you seemed as though you didn't mind. It was cold and you wore your floral shorts that didn't even reach your knees. You shivered as the midnight breeze made you soft brown hair dance but you waited patiently. My breath hitched and my heart jumped into my throat as I just looked at you, amazed by how you could be so beautiful without trying. I think I almost cried by being able to be in your pure presence. I knew if I cried you would've wrapped me up in your arms even though I'm twice your size and height. Maybe I should've cried just so that I could feel your touch. I bet you feel like warm kisses from the sun on a winter's day. If only I could've fixed my mouth to say anything that was in my heart but instead, I didn't. I don't want to lose you.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, my voice cracking. You chuckled at it, your laugh sounding like good news on a bad day.

"Why are you sorry?" You asked me, your head tilting ever so slightly but enough to make your hair fall into your eyes. How am I supposed to tell you my deepest thoughts if your beauty is distracting?

"I woke you up and brought you out here all for nothing," I answered and even though I felt ashamed you weren't angry or annoyed by me.

"It's okay," You told me, your eyes wondering to the sky above you. It made me wonder if the heavens ever looked down upon you and envied your beauty? Or if the heavens wanted to come down themselves just to touch your honey skin.

"You should go back to bed, I'll talk to you tomorrow," I said, turning to go back to my car where I could berate myself.

You stopped me.

I wasn't expecting you to reach out and grab my arm and I was right. You do feel like warm kisses from the sun on a winter's day. Your hand is so soft against my skin that I can easily mistake it for a cloud. I almost didn't stop but it was the wanting in your touch that stopped me.

"You don't have to leave," You told me. But I did.

"I do," I told you, wishing silently that you weren't too distracting for me to tell you in person how I truly felt for you. What really got to me was the sadness in your eyes. I'm sorry I let you down, it's better this way. I smiled at you as a way to reassure you but I'm sure my smile has nothing on yours.

"I'll see you tomorrow at school," I promised you. I regret turning away before you could say anything. Now here I am lying awake wondering what you might've said.

Laying awake wondering why you wanted me to stay so bad. Now I daydream of what could've happened with you. Maybe I would've told you how much I loved you. How much I enjoyed the time spent together everyday in the halls where our lockers were close but not next to each other. Everyday spent walking you home even though my house is nowhere near yours. How much I needed to hear you laugh. You needed to know that your smile is what I dream of at night. I looked forward to hanging out with you on the weekends when we'd do nothing together at the park or me paying for simple treats you liked. I just need to make you happy so whenever I see you sad it just breaks my heart. Seeing you cry makes me want to light this world on fire until you feel better because you...you just deserve everything this world has to offer. Someone like you shouldn't have to shed a tear. Someone like you shouldn't have to feel an ounce of pain when you smile so wide. No, you deserve cupcakes and rainbows just because you're special. You deserve a whole meadow filled with your favorite flowers because you're worth more than any store bouquet anyone could ever buy you. That's all I want to do for you.

I lie awake at night thinking of what it'd be like to curl myself around you and hold you in my arms. I imagine how it'd be like to be kissed by you. I just want to be loved by you back and that's what makes me so sad. What if you don't?

What if I'm the only one who feels anything? Or, what if I don't deserve you?

I have nothing to offer you and I don't know why you'd ever love someone like me. I would be a gray day to your sunny light. I can't come close to ever compare to you. There's nothing about me that would be remotely close to your beauty. You're too good for me yet I still want you. I hope that one day I could just take your soft cheeks gently into my hands and kiss you.

I just want to kiss you.

I know driving over to your house once again at two in the morning isn't a good idea but I can't be stopped again. I'll deal with my angry parents in the morning. I just have to go see you again. And when I see the faint glow of your bedroom light still on I feel hope growing inside of me that I can finally say it this time. I get out of my car and instead of calling you like I should or ringing the doorbell I go over to your window and pick up the closest pebble to throw. It clinked gently against the glass and that was all I needed to get your attention. You opened right up and before I can say anything you said, "I'll be right down."

I waited and when you came out once again in the same floral shorts I felt like I'll choke up again. Just say it, I told myself. You're looking at me with those doe eyes of yours and I have to close mine if I want to tell you what I want in my heart. "I'm in love with you," I finally get out, my eyes shut tight so that I don't see your reaction. "I've been in love with you for some time now."

And I wait. I wait for you to laugh at me or reject me but nothing happens. I open my eyes to see if you're still there to find a smile on your face and tears in your eyes. Are you happy or sad? Did I do something wrong? I open my mouth to ask but you take my face in your soft hands and kiss me.

"I'm in love with you too," You whisper when you pull away from me. All of my anxiety and nerves are settled, replaced by joy and love for you.

You spoke those magical words that I needed to hear most.