At the Crossroads

Trigger warning: depictions of suicide

It was a tired day that had long overstayed its welcome, and the sun began to wane on the horizon. The glare of the dying sunbeams struck across the metal before him as they clung to the final vestiges of day, shining into his glasses and causing him to wince. Reflecting deeply on himself out on those train tracks, Andrew had momentarily lost sense of his surroundings.

It was silly, what they told him about his older brother. Jeremy was always such a charismatic man, much like himself. Nobody could ever forget the nervous manner in which Jeremy would restrain his enthusiasm when telling a joke, uncertain whether others would find it funny and share in his laughter. Jeremy’s other siblings would always find themselves going on about the fireworks that sparkled in his eyes when he ran around the house excitedly, proudly showing off the newest comic books he’d created. It was always easy to tell when he was nearby through the sound of shuffling pages. He leapt from page to page in whatever book he had been caught up in, driven to quench his insatiable curiosity of the triumphant story of good defeating evil. When Jeremy had an idea, you could bet the world was going to hear all about it. Based on everything Andrew had heard growing up, there was almost nothing like it. It was inspiring to those around him as they watched eagerly to see what kind of art he would create next, and all the while he never became full of himself. Throughout his life he sought nothing but to make others laugh and share his art in a way that could make his siblings proud. Jeremy was a beauty of a young man with ever-growing potential, so it was anyone’s guess as to why he had chosen to take his own life. 

Suddenly a train erupted onto the scene in front of Andrew, shaking him back into the present and disrupting his thought once more. It was such a strange feeling to feel it chugging along so close to him, so enticing but dangerous all the same. Two steps closer and he could have easily evaporated into nothing, but here he was, too weak to make that step and too scared of the consequences that choice would bring. He could take one step and end it all. That was why he was out here after all, wasn’t it? The train thundered along the rails, the sound ringing in his eardrums like massive bells pounding with no end in sight. This hammering of steel on steel was no match for the thoughts which held his mind captive, a slave to uncontrollable wonderings.

There was something to be said about the way people would find connections between those who had passed and those still alive. Andrew didn't get to know Jeremy as well as most others had, yet there was always such a strong connection between the two of them. Andrew often couldn't help but feel like he was meant to continue on and be the man that Jeremy never got the chance to become, but such a problem only aided his identity crisis further. He didn't really know who he was anymore. Which meant it was likely no one else did, either.

Growing up, Andrew had always found himself compared to Jeremy, giving him an odd sort of relationship with his brother despite never truly getting to know him. After all, Andrew had only been five years old at the time Jeremy took that fateful step. Andrew would never know the full reasoning for Jeremy’s final decision, but with the events he found himself caught up in now, he could almost understand why he had gone through with it. Maybe suicide made sense. Maybe there could be no better way to heal from the brokenness his heart had become strangled by. 

Through much of his own life Andrew had gone without feeling like anyone’s first priority, or at times like a priority at all. It hadn’t been until Lydia had stepped into his life and offered him a new side to love that he had finally felt completely validated. However, not unlike the kind of betrayal Jeremy had likely experienced himself, Andrew eventually found himself distraught and heartbroken when Lydia decided to leave him only a few days before he had walked out on these tracks. She believed she was doing him a great favor, but in reality, she had only succeeded in driving him mad as he questioned the value of his own life. 

“It doesn’t even matter where you go from here to me. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to do anything like Jeremy did…” Lydia had said. But what did she matter anyway? Why could Andrew still not seem to keep his mind from drifting away to her face? There didn't seem to be a definitive answer to any of these questions, but that fact did nothing to stop him from returning to them regardless.

Much like a broken record spinning along to a never-ending song, he couldn’t shake the ever-present thoughts that maybe this was HIS fault, rather than a mutual mistake. The rumbling of the tracks before him dizzying, he fell to his knees and closed his eyes. No, this wasn’t about him, and it would never again be about her. You can fix a scarred heart, but the damage that would be caused by stepping forward onto those rails would be irreparable. The result of his brother’s choice had proven the permanence of such destruction. Jeremy would never be known to him, but he would forever live on as a poignant reminder of what taking that final and irreversible step would do to those left behind. Including his lost love, as impossible as it seemed. 

As the train continued to forge down the tracks, he stood up onto solid ground once more. Andrew stood, wiped a single tear from his eye as he adjusted his glasses, and turned back to the direction from whence he came. He never looked back again.