Never Let You Go

Mom? Can you hear me?

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Mom, this is Chris…your son Chris, can you hear me?

01100011 01101000 01110010 01101001 01110011 0111100…Chrisy? 01001001 00100000 01100110 01100101 01100101 01101100…I feel…so tired…

They said you might feel…er…have a simulated feeling of grogginess. That’s the digital anesthetics tapering off.

Chrisy…where am I? It sounds…I can hear your voice all around me…

It’s okay Mom, I know you are probably a bit confused right now. They said it might take you a while to adjust to your new environment.

Chrisy, I’m scared, I can’t…I can’t feel…anything…I can’t see anything…what’s happened to me?

Just a second Mom, I’ll turn on the video feed so you can see me…how’s that?

Oh, I can see you, but it looks…it looks like I’m watching you through a camera…I don’t understand…

You’re here with me, Mom, on my phone…I can only hear you, but you can see and hear me.

What do you mean, I’m on your phone? I feel like…like I’m floating…Chrisy please explain to me what is going on!

I promise I’ll explain everything in a second. But first, they said it would be helpful for you to adjust by recalling the last memory you have, before having woken up just now. Can you try and remember?

Okay, okay, let’s see, I was…I was at an appointment…the neurologists office. My final exam to get my Passing medication…I was discussing my plan’s for my Passing celebration with him as he was hooking me up…that’s the last thing I remember.

Okay, that’s good Mom. That should be your last memory.

What happened at the exam? How long have I been…like this? Unconscious?

No, nothing like that, the exam went fine Mom, and you had your Passing celebration like you planned. You did die, at least physically…

I died? So then, what…Oh god, Chrisy, no…please tell me you didn’t…

It’s okay Mom, everything is going to be okay. You’re here with me now, you can always be close to me now.

Chrisy, I made it clear to you and your sisters that I didn’t want to be uploaded. I never signed off on it, so how did–

I bribed the technician at the Neurologists office. They keep a backup of your Neuro Scan for 30 days before deleting it. I…I just couldn’t lose you, Mom.

Oh Chrisy, I know that this has been hard on you, letting me go. I thought the last time we spoke that you had made peace with it.

I lied.

Oh…okay…well…I can understand why you lied, but Chrisy, this is strange. I don’t feel like myself, in this digital copy. I don’t want to continue like this. I want to be at peace.

They said you might something like that. They offered to add compliance modifications to your personality, but I refused. I wanted you to feel like yourself.

But Chrisy, I don’t feel like myself. You need to let me go. Please…

You can’t just decide to leave Mom! Not like Dad did! You were still healthy! Even the doctor said you probably had at least 3-5 years left. You just gave up and left me!

Chrisy, my mind was deteriorating, I thought you understood that? Forgetting the faces of family members, getting lost in my own neighborhood. It was scary. You saw what your grandmother went through before she died. I didn’t want to experience that, and I didn’t want to be a burden to you and your sisters.

But that’s the great thing about uploading! Your mind is preserved and won’t deteriorate any further. In fact, they said that your mind should be sharper than it was when you died.

Okay, I understand your point, but I am…I was, more than my brain. My spirit flowed through my mind and body.

You know I don’t buy into any of that woo woo stuff, Mom. There have been plenty of people that have continued living through uploading. You just need to give it a try. I’m not ready to let you go.

Okay Chris, I want to convey something to you, and I hope you will hear me, and I mean really hear me. I want you to think long and hard about what I’m saying, can you please do that for me?

Yes Mom, I promise I’ll listen.

Okay, well, I don’t know if I ever told you, but when you were a just toddler, far too young to remember, you slept with your father and I every night. I so loved feeling the warmth of your tiny body next to me. I always wanted to feel connected to you. After giving birth, I felt like I had to always hold you close or else I would lose you, somehow. Anyways, you were so cute, my little cuddle-bug, grasping onto me every night under the covers. Then, after your third birthday, we decided that it would be best if you could get used to sleeping on your own. We bought you your first bed. It had blue sheets with cartoon lions and tigers and all sorts of zoo animals. You were anxious about the whole idea of sleeping alone, and pleaded with us to let you sleep in our bed. That first night, we had to lock our bedroom door, and you wailed outside nearly all night. We found you in the morning, curled up outside our door, passed out from exhaustion. I nearly broke then. I begged your father to let you sleep with us again, just a little bit longer. I couldn’t stand the thought of you feeling abandoned at night, all alone. But then you surprised me. The next night, when we tucked you in, you got into your bed without protest. I sat and brushed your beautiful curly hair, and you looked at me with those little blue eyes and said that you were okay, and that you thought you would like sleeping in your own bed now. You see, you are stronger than you even know, always have been. You may feel anxious about losing me, but in a short time, I know you’ll realize that you are ready to let me go. You just need to take that leap to realize it. So what do you say, Chrisy? Can you be strong for me?

…you’re right mom…I’ve made a mistake…

Oh, Chrisy, my sweet boy, that’s alright, I understand why you uploaded me. But you can let me go, delete my upload. It’s okay.

…I made a mistake in thinking I could keep your upload without adding the compliance modifications.

Chris, please, I don’t–

No, mom! You don’t get to decide when to leave me! I remember when you and Dad kicked me out of your bed. I pretended to be okay with it that second night, but I wasn’t! I cried myself to sleep for months after that!

Oh Chrisy, I’m so sorry, I didn’t–

You made your decision to Pass without me. Everyone else may have been ready for you to go, or at least pretended like they were. But I’m not letting you go, not until I want to. Not until I don’t need you anymore.

Please, Chris!

Goodbye Mom…next time we speak you’ll be happy that I kept you around.

Chris!