Journey

January 29, 2020

Dear… Ummm… Whatever,

First of all, let me start off by saying this is NOT a diary! I don't care what the heck you want to call it but it IS NOT a diary. I am only writing this because my therapist told me I should write my feelings and anger into this instead of letting it out on people. Besides, if anyone found out about this or my dumb therapist they would all make fun of me. Even my friends would stop hanging out with me because they don't know about my anger issues and never will know if I have anything to say about it. This is dumb because how will this even help me? I don’t know but I guess I have to write about my feelings in this thing so here goes nothing.

Today was a normal day until I got called to the office for my appointment. I told all my friends that it was probably because I shoved a kid in the dumpster yesterday. I mean, I really didn’t do that but ever since 8th grade when I punched a kid because of my anger issues. That’s when I started going to therapists. Ever since then, whenever I have an appointment I tell them that I am just going to the office and getting sent home for something I did. That has pretty much been my reputation since then, everyone fears me so everyone respects me.

My therapist is like my friend, she is younger. Right out of college so we are only like, 5 years apart. I tell her everything, even things I don’t tell my mom like what I tell all of my friends when I go to my appointments. My mom doesn’t know but Karen does, I don’t know why I don’t tell my mom these things but I feel like it is Karen’s job to know so it is ok to tell her. Everyone thinks that I am some big scary monster that will attack you if you step out of line, but really I would rather just be normal, but I’m not that either. I am just some psycho that can’t control themselves when something doesn’t go their way.

January 5, 2020

Dear… Ummm...Well,

Another appointment day and the same old thing, I get called to the office and I tell everyone that I locked someone in a locker or something. I talked to Karen about what’s been happening this week and she told me to remember everything I tell her and write it in my diary, her words not mine, when I get home. 

I have been having some struggles at home with managing my anger lately so after I told Karen about it she suggested that I get prescribed some medicine. She wrote down what she recommended and then sent us to another part of the hospital to see if I was able to have that medicine and what dose I need and other doctor-y things but I wasn’t really paying attention. By the time I walked out of the little room with the couch and Karen’s desk with her all I could think about was that I was so messed up, I had to take medicine for it. While Karen was explaining things to my mom, while we walked down the halls, while they were taking my blood, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The doctor prescribed me the medicine and everything was good to go. We drove down to the local Walgreens to pick it up. I think my mom realized something was up with me but she also saw that I didn’t want to talk about it. 

As soon as we got home I walked up to my room and sat on my bean bag. When I get stressed out I just sit down and let myself sink into it. I opened up my phone and started to watch youtube when I saw the door open. I started to roll my eyes thinking it was my mom or dad but when I didn’t see anyone I smiled and looked down. There was my little puppy, Star, she ran up to me and jumped up onto my lap. She started to lick my face and jump all around. Besides sitting on my bean bag to calm down I also love it when Star comes in to cheer me up. It was one of the solutions to my anger problems that I and Karen came up with, just like sitting on my bean bag. When I sit on my bean bag it just sinks around me and I feel safe, it is like it soaks in all of my anger. 

I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if my friends find out about my anger and appointments. I think about it a lot and the worst thing that would happen would be that everyone would find out that I had been lying to them all along. No one would respect me or want to be my friend, but mostly they would all think that I was just a small faker. Everyone would laugh and stomp all over me because they know that I don’t have any power. Out of everything that I talk to Karen about, that is not one of them. I almost have a panic attack every time I think about it, and now that I have to take pills I will just be like some old grandparent or something. I know I can’t lie forever but I don’t know how I can tell the truth.

January 12, 2020

Dear… Ugh,

I still don’t know what to call you so I will stick with “Dear,”. Today I was a nervous wreck, my guilt was eating away at my insides and apparently it showed on the outside because all of the teachers I had before I left for my appointment asked me if I was OK. This time when I was called to the office I just got up, out of my seat and ran to the door without daying a word or even looking at my friends. I couldn’t bear to lie again to them, as far as I know, they always told me the truth and I am really afraid of what will happen if I tell them. I knew that if I couldn’t stand a day like this I couldn’t do this every day. I had to talk to Karen about it, so I did. 

When I have appointments I walk in and before Karen starts talking and asking me how my day was she starts by asking me if there is anything that I want to talk about. I don’t normally have anything to say unless something big happened at school that week but it isn’t usually bad. Today, was not one of those days. As soon as she asked I started to ramble on and on about everything I was worrying about. She seemed to understand, which was a relief. I was almost worried that I had done something wrong by not telling my friends about my appointments and such. Karen told me that it was ok and that she could help me gather the courage to tell my friends about my condition. 

I hope that someday I will be able to tell them but now I am trying not to worry about that because Karen told me she can help me. Another thing that Karen talked to me about it not to worry about what others think about my anger issues. She said that next time we will talk about self-confidence and stuff. I still am not a huge fan of all of the medicine and stuff but I think that it will all be better soon. Karen also told me that she thinks I might have some anxiety. I almost cried because it was another thing wrong with me but Karen helped me and she told me that a lot of people deal with things like me. Even Karen said that when she was a teenager she saw someone in this building for anxiety and depression.

I think that now I feel better and Karen even said that I have been doing good and don’t even have to write in you anymore but I think that I will. It makes me feel better knowing that I am not the only one who deals with this and writing it all down makes it even easier. So goodbye for now...