Fake the confidence by Overthinking

   The streets I build on are ruled by white privileged men, objectifying me, I am not allowed to have confidence. I wasn't asking for it. Waiting for my turn patiently. Be confident, they will throw you to the side like millions of other girls if you are not assertive enough. 

The women before me are the reason I have so many rights today, they are the reason I can be independent. Stonewall is the reason I can still have a job while being undeniably myself. My style is a rebellion against supremacy, my clothes are my power, they signify the riots from the past. My style is meant to inspire others to wear what they want, pray for more confidence. 

Eighth grade was the worst year, boys will take advantage of you if you are seen as insecure. You are not easy. Sophomore year, I get catcalled and harassed less, and I honestly think it's because of my confidence. Wear what you want no matter what it is, even if you are insecure don't show it. I think my confidence and the way I hold myself even if I am faking it, scares boys. 

My counselor told me not to talk about the boy who I told my side to and he related to me talking about him holding a gun to his head. I am not allowed to use those receipts as evidence now because she doesn’t want my needs to slip from my situation to his because it's easier to focus their attention on. 

I met a psychic at work a week ago. She asked if I was okay and I said yes, why? She said because you’re wearing an amethyst. ‘Its okay I know you are not okay sweetie.’ 

And the thing is I don't want to tell anybody, I have tried and only one person understands. Everyone else acts like it's their right to know and they are mad I didn't tell them. They are just posting and posting but it's not as easy to tell my side. 

I have a small panic attack through my whole body every single time my phone gets a notification or I check my feed. It's just more texts of people I haven't talked to. ‘Are you going to tell me what's really going on or what?’ ‘I heard that girl was saying some shit what really happened.’ ‘I heard you made up lies about some people, what's that about.’ 

My grades dropped, I never used my phone, ever, I would come to school late on purpose, and left early. I got texts when I was skipping that people were trying to hunt me down in the passing period. 

Over the course of a year and a half I stopped posting on social media completely because even before people hated me, the group of boys would comment and send DMs and text and call and talk about me whenever I did. Don't come off as a narcissist or attention seeking. They won't listen to your story. 

All the screenshots of people threatening me ‘I will find you with a group of my friends and we will gang rape you and kill you.’ All of the kids posting rumors about it are being spread online, they post me on their stories telling everyone I am a lying bitch. Do not believe everything you are told. 

Why am I here? My brother forced me to start self defense classes because even though I never told him what happened, he assumed I wasn't at school because I was too sensitive and some blonde sex kitten girls hurt my fucking feelings. You are too weak, stop being over dramatic and fight. 

I had to repeat my story 12 different times to a million different people who I don’t know and had a thousand different reactions. One cried with me telling me I was strong. One said ‘boys will be boys, there is nothing I can do to help you.’ 10 of them said this was out of their power and sent me to someone else. There were conversations they were supposed to be taking notes on and didn’t so I had lost even more evidence. 

My friends are the ones who taught me the difference between “I understand it was really scary for you but you talk about it so much,” and “I understand and will always support you, you can talk to me anytime, talking about it doesn't make me sad.” Surround yourself with advocates. 

A girl in her young 20s walked up to me on the train yesterday morning and asked ‘can you take a picture of this boy's snap he sent me on your phone and text it to me? I don’t want him to see that I screenshotted.’ Am I too approachable? 

He got into a fight with one of the richest republicans in the school of 4,000 kids and jumped him on the street, robbing him. There is a lawsuit happening sending the boy who hurt me to boarding school.

You can report 7 times, be catcalled every time you get up in class, have school footage of him touching you in the hallway and he won't be punished. He will get away, be intimidating. 

My friend reported after months of trying to comprehend out of fear. They told her they wont do anything without her knowing, then the next period they tell the boy she was reporting everything without telling her. All of his friends surrounded her in the hallway and she ran the next day, that's how she found out. 

Did you know I am actually just a brainless fashion loving girl who only cares about makeup and if my heels match my fucking belt? 

Did you know that I am actually just lying for attention! 

Don't buy clothes you don't need, always justify not buying them in your mind. Food is not for taste, it's for being full. 

"Who's up next?”

It's my time to box the winner.