Falling up

"Just say it," you silently reminded yourself. You knew you'd regret it if you didn't. You sighed and prepared yourself to speak up as you stood in front of the mirror that reflected a wealthy but distraught lady. Sunlight poured on beside the king-sized pearl bed right on your face. You glanced at the highlighter brightening up your face, the mascara covering up the burning eyes and the loose pale blue-lavender blouse with white slender jeans looking odd on your exquisite body. Ahh… such a life! Ups and downs, ups and downs…..

‘Mom!’, she uttered those words out of great stress and curiosity. She was definitely feeling uncomfortable and did not like the sight of you shaking in front of the mirror, like an autumn leaf. You could feel her choked breath as she held your hand, ‘tell me what you want to, mom. Relax’, she glanced at you with her deep leaf-brown eyes, darker than an abandoned well. She was just like you. The saccharine, sweet finally carved lips and the mid-night black curls with a slight shade of stardust golden tumbled over her broad shoulders. Her short bluish -tint polka dot dress with square-cut, shimmery fabric was accessorized with a modern leather belt which she loved wearing in evenings. You cleared your throat and urged yourself to let it go. ‘I am not your..’, you paused to settle down the tornado swirling in your mind, you suddenly changed your decision. No! you could not tell her you’re not the real mom, you could never let her know she was born illegal… deprived. Her past still haunts you, she was too young to be told.

You were brought out of your flashbacks as she pressed your palm and encouraged you to continue, ‘ I am not your..?’, she inquired. you knew there was no turning back so you moved on, ‘ I am not your God’, you made up, ‘ and anything that’s not a god has to come to an end one day, die..’, you got stuck, you didn’t know what to say next. AH! You clung your fists tightly, you never should have called her in your room, you knew she was already very disturbed by your illness, she wasn’t too small not to notice your frequent blood tests and hospital visits. You calmed down your racing heart and ignored the weakness destructing your inside, making you hollow, worthless. You slowly raised your eyes and looked at her face. Astonished, you saw the teardrops trickling down her cheek. She was crying! Trembling, you quickly wiped them off with your dainty fingers. You never wanted her to cry. Did she know it already? You felt your body quiver. ‘ I know mom... I know!’, she started sobbing, moaning in low painful tones. That was it. You didn’t cringe at the sight of that polka dots you hated when she wore then, you didn’t desperately try to tidy up her messy tangled curls into a bun, as usual. You just couldn’t help yourself hugging. Lovingly, you surrounded her with your arms but didn’t dare hush her, you silently brushed off the hair dangling on her bright forehead and gave her a light kiss. No, you didn’t care your lipstick’s gonna ruin up and leave a dark shade on her skin. It was all you could do as a mother.

 ‘I know you have been hiding it for too long, I figured it out mom. I knew it was cancer!’, she finally spoke but with her head low, soaking your hands that held her face. You suddenly let go. It was your turn to cry out loud now, sob and moan… you quickly backed up and stood, your hands pressing the pulsing awful sensation on the side of your head. She was still on her knees, crouched to the floor. You unbelievingly gaped at her, was she true? You felt your brain spin, the sky suddenly fall on you, ‘ Where are the reports?’, you barely managed to say. She was stunned, ‘ you didn’t know?’, she shuddered as she spoke, her pencil-thin eyebrows raised over her wide-set eyes. She shoved her hair strands behind her ears gleaming with diamond studs and quickly got back to her feet, turning towards the door. In a minute, she was back. You could see the storm growing in her eyes, the cheeks burning Venus-red. You tried ignoring the confused expressions and snatched those results out of her hands. You shockingly read out the claim of your cancer to be on its last stage. That was your last hope. You could not hold on anymore. She rushed to catch you as you dropped down to the floor. You saw her running to get you water. You wanted to stop her but you felt too wrecked, destroyed. As you held the glass and touched the cold, transparent surface to your lips weakly, you watched her…her eyes, dreamy like a starry night…But reddened, dark circles beneath. Her lush and curvaceous body, her glowing smooth, blossomy skin all wrenched with sweat and gone pale… tired and distressed. You sighed a sad, long one. You knew it was all your fault, you were to blame. You didn’t remember when was the last time you kissed her goodnight, or laughed and joked with her, ask her about the school, you were too busy with your life revolving around the hospitals and medicines. You failed to be a successful single parent. You knew it’s hard nourishing a kid being both mama and daddy. Difficult but not impossible… you tried boosting up the positivity embedded deep in your soul as you looked at her, mesmerizing as the sunrise. You smiled as the salty water filled up to the brim and then rushed down your ashen cheeks. Gut-wrenching sobs tore through your chest and your chin trembled as she quietly patted you up and lightly called again, ‘ mom’. You wished you would let her know every time she joined up the three alphabets in a connection and uttered the words out of uncontrollable love, she sets your heart on fire, you feel the sensation of burning alive, it’s painful.

You finally decided. Yes, you could not tell

 her mom called you every day and forced to

return her daughter back. She was not normal at all, you knew that. And little Olivia Dankworth will prefer to be thrown off a 100 feet cliff rather than being sent there. No, there was absolutely nothing left to think about cancer then, it had already won. You had no choice but to wait and count the days to your death. You knew you were going to die, soon. Why panic? You tried calming down. You were not going to throw away your daughter into the hands of a beast, she was just twelve. You would fight her mom who drinks and smokes all night, you took her in your arms when she was just one and owed staring deep into the innocent eyes, as serene as the morning dew, that you would never leave her alone. You reminded yourself, again and again, that it was no use thinking of cancer, you had a daughter to look after.

But what was happening now? You were dying. Just one choice left, the last you ever thought. You couldn’t turn your back and hand over the kid to her torturing mom who was a crazy maniac, who loved child screams. What about his Dad? You didn’t know him, neither did he. You had no friends, no trustworthy people, no cousins, no family. Who becomes a friend with a rich lady? Ha! everyone. And what are those friends like? Well, several harsh words pop up in your mind whenever you think of them. Hungry for money, jealous and greedy… Killing snakes. Yes, the only way left was to snatch the gifted life of hers and send her far away, heaven. Where you were going to, peaceful and harm-free zone, no worries at all. You might kill her someday, you knew there was no way out, you would regret if you didn’t.

Sometimes…….

 death seems a blessing.