The regrets of a life lived in shadows

Science confirms that life flashes before your eyes, as you open your mouth to take your final breath, a flash that lasts for mere seconds but has your heart heavy for what feels like hours, a flash that took me back to my high school cafeteria.

In a bustling school cafeteria, full of teenagers seemingly belong there and among them there is a girl, sitting alone, hungry. Her lunch was untouched, because like her, a home-packed lunch of rice, infused with flavours and mother's love, did not belong to the world of lunch money and sandwiches.

Though the hunger was killing her, she avoided to even look at the delicious food in front of her. Like any other day she refuses to have lunch, wary of the the aftermath, her mother's reaction-"Every single day, the box remains full, all efforts I make for you, mean nothing to you, today is also not any different."

She kept her headphones on with music at full volume, sushing her mother's voice in her head, but not enough to ignore the dreadful sneers and mockery hurled at her. Her mother's voice was coarse and loud, but not as loud as the nasty comments that just passed her by.

"Ugh, what's that smell, ew, is that your lunch? Couldn't eat that even if you pay me."

"If my family tortured me like that, I would seriously run away."

Her expression remained unfazed, as she kept her head down and pretended she couldn't hear because of the blaring music playing in her ears, though the only music she could ever focus on was the soundtrack of mocking and laughter, every room played when her presence entered.

But, she never imagined, how horrendous the face of mockery can get, until, that one dreadful day, when she was brutally abused, in her only place of refuge, a place she usually pours out her silent tears. But that day, instead of soaking in her own tears, toilet water was swirling around her head as someone gripped the back of her neck against the toilet seat. Though comments were slightly muffled underwater, but it didn't fail to add to the agony of choking in the filthy water.

She snapped back into her senses by the scraping of cafeteria chairs. She patiently waited for everyone to leave before she got up and thought to herself

"This time I'll save my mother's voice, by throwing away my lunch, so atleast she can have the comfort of knowing I didn't starve today."

The bell rang, and there it was, the same soundtrack in her ears, even as she turned to leave the grounds of this discordant symphony of her unacceptance. Walking with her head held down, she came closer and closer to the exit, not looking around, just staring blankly at the ground, she remained so still, so unlike the skinny, blonde, and popular girls who all drive off in fast-paced fancy convertibles, with boys, and cute crop tops, while she walks home, hungry, and sweltered in her hoodie that conceals her biggest insecurity, her skin tone. Today, she just couldn't take the heat, her water bottle lay empty along with her lunchbox this time, and she wasn't daring enough to take off her hoodie so instead she rolled up her left sleeve, but before she could even touch her right, yet another snarky comment was shot straight at her.

"Are you tryna get a tan? You really don't need to."

But, this time she wasn't unfazed, instead tears swam in her eyes, as her sleeves rolled back down, which were then pulled over the tips of her fingers, concealing even her fingernails. She clasped the fabric tightly, as though to not escape out a cry. Her high school grounds were just a blur as she made her way to exit, her footsteps got increasingly rapid, as though she was trying to outrun all comments ever said to her, but it only got louder in her head, then comes the feeling of sterile bedsheets, where people have died one by one.

I once again got my head out of this cloud of nostalgia and remembered the peace of my hospital bed. The silence was eerie, with only an occasional tick-tock, but I didn't mind it , silence reminded me of the loneliness I have always faced. From my experience, it has almost never been not silent, only my mind can quiet the silence through, a flood of harsh thoughts crashing through my head, always the same ones, of my unacceptance, my worthlessness, and regrets. There was no peace, just a constant replay of what I never was. And somehow, I got used to the quiet of silence and the volume of my mind.

Seventy-eight years later I still have never found acceptance, now I lay here, in a depressing hospital bed and scan my past, regretting the fact that I cared so much about what other people thought.

It's funny how, at the face of death, everything falls away-judgment, comments, and the need for acceptance from people who don't matter. Seventy-eight years later I still think of the lunchbox that sat untouched in my bag, a reminder of everything I didn’t have the courage to face. But now, with my time running out, I see how pointless that fear was.

Some mushy hospital food remains still on my window sill, and now more than ever I crave for the lunches I never ate, because back then, more than food, I was craving for even a moment of belonging, but that moment never came.

Does it matter, when I know it's about to end? Now I lie here, breathing slower with every second, knowing there is no second chance. Crop-tops will never be worn, and my lunchbox will always be full, but no one cares anyways.

The ticking of the clock grows louder, as my breath grows heavier, I close my eyes, feeling the weight on everything I could've changed, and the choices I never made. I'll never know what it feels like to wear what I want, and eat what I want without fear and regardless of whether anyone accepts me or not. Now all I can do is accept myself for the small amount of time I have left laying on my deathbed, making myself feel just a little better, and while the clock gets quieter, I try not to think about more of my regrets through life, the air feels heavier now, each inhale more difficult than the last, the last tick-tocks I hear mark the end of every thought I ever had, as the final moments slip away, I felt somewhat free.

Science confirms as you take your final breath, your life flashes before your eyes- a flash which is mere seconds but feels like hours. All I saw was a lifetime of regret, I could have lived differently, but now there's nothing left but calm silence.