Tabitha, you need to tell him.

Pearla Mason - Maid of Honor 

It’s on? You know me — Miss Anti-tech. Thanks, Jack. Everyone, give it up for our groom! He sure knows how to fix a modern issue!

Okay, here it goes. I’ve known Tabitha for a long time. A long, long, long, long time. Feels like centuries… Which is great for you, Jack, because that’s how you know she always keeps it fresh! Even after years and years and years and years and—

Okay, okay, Tab, I’m moving on. 

Our lady of the night — or, the lady of the evening, I should say — deserves nothing less than a man as sweet as Jack. Ever since she first started bringing him around, he’s been the life of the party. He’s always down for a game night or a night hike or for kicking our asses at a midnight soccer match over at Marsden Fields. 

Listen to me — night, night, night. I’m obsessed. But then, I have been a nightlife girl for years now, and so has Tabitha! I’m curious, Jack, has she ever told you about how much she loves any hour after sundown? She’s a moonlight fiend, this one. 

Okay, Tab, I’m moving on… 

Listen, I was telling the truth when I said you deserve someone like Jack. In all the time I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you blend so well with another person. The two of you are fun-loving and sweet, and you always want to learn something new about each other. I hope, before it’s too late, you know everything about each other. Maybe even by tomorrow morning.

Get your minds out of the gutter! That wasn’t a — I mean, yeah. Yeah, I hope you know each other Biblically tonight or whatever. 

Okay, someone get me down from this stage. These heels suck. 

Jordan Delagarza - Best Man

…aaaaaAAAAACK! JACK JACK SMACKYABACK! JACK JACK HEARTATTACK! 

How much do you love Tabbie? Let’s count the days! Day one: You two met after Red and White Night at Mahoney’s when she bought you a drink and stole your jersey. Coach, remember how you screamed at — yeah, you remember! Jackie, remember how pissed Coach was that you lost your — yeah, I know you remember!

Alright, alright, lemme see. Day thirty or something: Tabbie came to a late practice to find you and let you know she washed your fucking jersey, dude. What a woman. 

Day thirty-one: She walked you home. HaHAAAA, y’all already know! Y’all already know what went down!

Day fifty-ish: You guys made it official. You remember that — yeah, the rooftop picnic thing we all forgot to put out for you until, like, five minutes before you guys got there. Fuck yeah, dude, that was a good idea. 

Alright, day fifty-seven or something like that: You finally let me and Mattie meet Tabbie! Y’all, Jack should quit his nine-to-five and go into date planning if that’s a thing because this dude knows how to plan a date. He was all, “Oh, yeah, we’re just going to the zoo, no big,” and I was like, “Okay, zoo at night? Like, what?” But, then, it turned out he — what? — checked the city’s public schedule? And found the zoo had an adult, after hours, wine tasting thing going on? Okay, Mr. Thoughtful. Fucking nerd. 

If y’all can’t tell, I love this dude…

Alright, this is running way longer than Pearlie’s — sorry, Pearla’s. See, caught myself this time. Yeah, I see you rolling your eyes back there. What a sweetheart. Tabbie sure knows how to pick a friend, I’ll tell you that. 

Anyway, lemme skip ahead. Alright, uh, day seventy… day one-hundred… one hundred-thirty-ish… two-hundred… three-hundred… Alright, this is a good one. Day five-hundred. Another professionally planned date by Mr. Thoughtful over there. Jackie, you had just graduated, and Tabbie was about to start some summer classes for her masters, and you… you sweet man… you got Coach to let us onto the field, so we could set up — you remember how hot it was? Anyway, y’all, to make a long story short, Jackie and I set up this huge tent on the soccer field, and we filled it with blankets and pillows and all this cutesy stuff he bought, so he could bring Tabbie there that night and propose. 

The two of you have something so genuine. 

I know I’m not doing Tabbie much justice with these stories, so y’all’ll just have to believe me that she’s a real lady. Very old fashioned, very mindful, but so fun around the people she digs and so sweet to Jack, like Pearla said. Jackie deserves someone like you, and you deserve someone like him.

But I just wanted to shout out my boy tonight because none of us tell him enough how much of a bro he really is. Jackie, here’s to you, buddy. 

Aunty - Tabitha’s “Aunt”

Ahem. Yes, well. This is quite the joyous night for our young lovers, is it not? I was — oh, what word should I use? — I was surprised, I suppose, when Tabitha phoned to inform me of her engagement to Jack. She had never expressed much more than a passing interest in humans — or, I supposed I should say people — before. 

I digress. Our bridegroom has requested I share my memories of Tabitha as her “parental figure.”

Let me think. What am I allowed to say about her?

She is of farmers’ blood. Sweet farmers’ blood. Oh, you were unaware her parents were farmers? Well, it would seem as though she has kept a few important details from you. Perhaps you would care to enlighten your young groom, Tabitha? No? Ah, now isn’t a good time. I see. 

Yes, she and I met in the swirling dust of Haymarket Road in Ogilvie, Illinois. Back then, it was used for trade — corn for eggs, hens for sheep, textiles for grain. That sort of thing. At the time, I headed something of a flour empire, as I had the means to mill the wheat en mass, and she was quite interested in how she could— 

My boy, what brings you to the stage? You used your time just moments ago—

You would prefer I lie to your friend? 

I have never been so disrespected.

No, get back here this instant. It would seem your manners nee…

Ashleigh - Tabitha’s “Baby Sister”

Everyone give it up for Aunty! 

No, stay where you are, my little Tabilou. I promise I’ll behave. 

For those in the back, she looks pissed. LOL.

I wasn’t supposed to be making a speech today, but I’m, like, ninety-nine percent sure Aunty is not coming back, and I know for a fact the food is not done, so everyone’s favorite little sister is here to improvise! 

Me personally, I met Tabilump when I was born, which does seem like it was only five-and-a-half years ago but was really, what, like twenty? Twenty-five? I’ve never been good with numbers. 

But Tabithorp is great with numbers. She can count way higher than her age. And, coincidentally, she can also count higher than 174. Isn’t that funny?

Something else about Tabitwat is that she loves to tell the truth. I’d be lying if I said I’d never heard her tell a lie, but what are sisters for if they don’t keep your deepest darkest secrets. 

Oh, wow, speaking of sisterhood — Jack, we’re, like, officially siblings-in-law now! That means I can tell you all of Tabithala’s secrets! Right? That’s how that works? Siblings look out for each other, you know, especially if they’re as chill as you—

Tabitha—

Tabitha, just stay seated. 

I’ll go, okay? 

Just remember what I said about how cool and truthful you are and what a chill guy Jack is. 

Okay, Tab, I’m going! 

Jack Evergreen - Groom

We appreciate you buying time, Ashleigh. Thank you.

This sure has been an eventful night, hasn’t it? I would hope so, anyway. I think a wedding, like a good date, should be memorable. I think it shouldn’t be perfect, and I think the road leading up to it shouldn’t be perfect, because that’s what being human is all about. Imperfection. 

All those dates Jordan described — they were just about as perfect as they could have been, but, like he said, the lead-up was messy. And I wouldn’t go back and change a thing because that’s what he remembered. He remembered that feeling of panic as he rushed to set up the rooftop picnic, and he remembered how drenched in sweat we were while we put up the tent in the soccer field. 

Tabitha might not want to hear it, but she’s imperfect too. She gets flustered so easily, and she’s always running late. She never wants to go out in the daytime because her skin is so sensitive to the sun, even though I love the warmth of a hot summer day on my back. She eats too little and fusses over her hair too much.

But I love to watch her get flustered for my sake because I know that means she cares. I love that she always runs late because it gives me extra time to set up our dates. I love that I still feel like I have time to plan stuff with the boys because I can’t do daytime stuff with her. I love the softness in her eyes when she knows she’s gotten her hair just right. But I do wish you’d eat more, sweetheart…

Alright, I’m getting the thumbs up from the kitchen staff that the food is ready, so I can quit boring you all with my silly love poems. I’m going to let Tabitha say a few words, and then we can dig in.

Tabitha Evergreen - Bride

My cherub. Thank you for your sweet words. 

I know I can’t come up with anything that’ll bring as many tears to the room as you’ve just bought, so I’ll keep this short. 

I’m looking forward to forever with you. Just like everyone’s been saying, you are so sweet and so thoughtful, so I know whatever comes our way, you’ll take it in stride, hand-in-hand with me. That’s just the kind of person you are. Nothing can rattle you.

Today, you are a changed man, but inside, you will remain as kind and gentle as we all know you to be… 

Now, let’s all raise a glass to forever. I cannot wait for it to begin…

Oh! And before we eat, I know you said that thing about me not eating enough! Don’t be upset, but I’m saving room for a special treat I’ve prepared to have at the hotel tonight. 

But everyone else — get your canines ready for some hot, red meat!