13 Entries

Entry 1

The internet suggested I start a gratitude journal to help with my depression. Apparently, I have a negative outlook on life. I don’t see how it’s going to help, sounds rather stupid really. Let’s look at my life. Obviously, I can’t afford therapy if I’m turning to the internet for advice. I’m forty-years-old and living at a sleezy hole-in-the-wall motel because my wife, Heather, threw me out and moved in her boyfriend, taking everything, including the kids and the pets. I was allowed to keep my clothes and was given a hundred dollars for gas money to get to work. I lost my job for blowing up at my co-workers, supervisors, and my attendance becoming so poor. My friends and family want nothing to do with me. I pushed them away because they didn’t like the way Heather treated me. I thought they just didn’t like her and weren’t giving her a chance. Once I realized they were right, I pushed them farther away because I was embarrassed to be seen treated that way. She’d run around with her friends and get very angry if I did the same. She wanted to know where I was at all times. Once the kids came along, if I wasn’t working, I was with the kids while she was off doing God knows what. She cheated on me many times. I always took her back. This time I couldn’t, so I didn’t, and she’s making me pay for not getting her way. Things are tight. I’m having trouble communicating and controlling my emotions. My sleep is erratic. I haven’t been able to keep a job longer than two days. I’m getting by on what I got from cashing in my retirement. I send Heather money for the kids, but she has yet to let me see them, saying I’m not sending her enough money. There’s that old saying that at least you have your health. I get migraines all the time. They are accompanied by some severe dizziness these days. I’m fatigued. I sustained back and knee injuries from a car accident a few years ago. I hurt all over and I have an infected tooth that is going to be the death of me and cannot afford a dentist. Now I’m feeling more suicidal than grateful. Thanks, gratitude journal.

Entry 2

I decided to swallow my pride and visit my mom. Her last words to me were, “When she leaves you for someone else, don’t come crying to me.” I was hoping that was just out of anger. I really didn’t know who else to turn to. Certainly not my father. Help from him comes at a price. It’s like selling your soul to the devil. My sisters have families of their own to worry about, and no room to take me in. Mom was my only hope. When mom answered the door, she said come in like she already knew what happened. She invited me into the kitchen, offered me food and drink, then sat down across from me. The next words out of her mouth were, “What did she do?” We had a long talk about my entire history with Heather. Mom pointed out that I had always been different as a child. I didn’t sleep as a baby, had braces on my legs, had trouble socializing, and that I had tantrums when I was little that turned into fits of rage as I got older. I was never good at communicating. She reminded me of my chronic migraines and of all the trouble I had learning in school. She said she wasn’t surprised that I was codependent with Heather, given my low self-esteem and constant need for validation. That hurt my pride. I see myself as someone who is strong and in control, but that’s not how others see me. Probably because that’s truly not who I am. Mom’s point was she thought I needed therapy. She thought I needed it then; she thinks I need it even more now. She said I could have the guest room if I promised to find someone to talk to. I promised and now I’m sitting on a clean bed in a clean room after having a home cooked meal. Today I have one thing to be grateful for, but I still don’t see how journaling helps. I still feel empty and hopeless with no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I’m just delaying the inevitable.

Entry 3

Mom found me a counselor who works on a sliding scale since I have little money left. Heather’s chewing a hole in my wallet. The past week I’ve done nothing but eat and sleep. I’ve tried to contact some old friends on social media, but our discussions were short, and they ended abruptly. I took the hint. I need to get some life into these bones. Mom lives on a fixed income and I’m starting to chew into that. I have to get a job and hold on to it. I don’t know why that’s so hard for me. Maybe this counselor will have an idea. I don’t know how I feel about counseling. Seems as dumb as journaling, but here I am. I’m giving this a shot, so I’ll give that a shot too. The real reason I’m writing today is to say I do feel grateful for my mom. It helps knowing someone cares, has your back, and is fighting with you – for you when you can’t. That’s something I didn’t feel I had before. It means something. She even gave me money to have my tooth fixed.

Entry 4

So, I had my first visit with the counselor today. It was more of a meet and greet, but we did talk a little. She loves the journaling idea. Apparently, journaling is very therapeutic and strengthens the mind. She recommends I do it more frequently. I don’t know, maybe. Ten dollars is all she charged. I can swing that for a little while. I feel like I should be grateful for that, but I’m not really feeling it. I guess I’m kind of dead inside at this point. Maybe once they can do something to get me back on my feet, I’ll feel more appreciative.

Entry 5

My counselor tells me that I might have PTSD from the accumulation of years of stress from my relationship with Heather. She has a colleague that prescribes medication. I’m supposed to meet with him in a week to answer some questions and determine if in fact I do have PTSD or if it’s something else and get me on the right medications. I don’t know how I feel about that. This is getting weird. Medications to control how I think and act, plus she’s talking about behavior modification, which sounds like a fancy term for brainwashing. I want to get back to being myself and just function again. I don’t want them to change me. Then again, after so many years with Heather, I don’t really know who I am anymore, so I guess I play along for now. Not feeling grateful, more concerned than anything.

Entry 6

I got real with this Dr. Heiman. He asked a lot of questions. I answered them honestly, telling him things that I never told anyone, not even Heather – hearing and seeing things, delusional thinking, being paranoid, being excessively energetic for a while followed by long stints of fatigue and loss of interest in doing things, suicidal thoughts – he got the works. He diagnosed me as schizoaffective, giving me a long list of medications and a referral to a neurologist for my migraines. He says to keep journaling. It will be the best way to tell how my mood is changing as we work to find the best medication.

Entry 7

I started a new job today as a barista at a coffee shop. The pay is low. I’m starting at the bottom but hope to work my way up. I never thought at forty-years-old I’d be working at a place where most teenagers start out. It’s money in my pocket and that’s all that matters right now. Hopefully I can hold on to it. Mom and I played cards after dinner. It was the first time we had spent any time together since moving in. Usually, I hide in my room, but I was feeling better, so we played some rummy and she talked about how my sisters are doing. It was fun. There were moments of laughter. I really needed that. I think I’m going to call my sisters and see how they’re doing tomorrow. I don’t expect a warm reception, but maybe I can break through the ice.

Entry 8

I talked to both my sisters today and, surprisingly, they were both glad to hear from me. They were very happy to hear that I finally started to stand up to Heather, even if it meant going through hell to get my life back in order. They say it will be worth it. Angie, my younger sister, wants me to meet a friend of hers who is single. I don’t know if I’m ready to date, but maybe in a group setting or something. It would be nice to get out. I can’t believe I actually want to get out and do something. Beginning to feel grateful.

Entry 9

Starting this journal has awakened a passion in me that has laid dormant for a very long time – writing. I used to write short stories as a kid. Me and my friends would play make believe adventures. At night I would write about them. I always did good in English in school. So, I decided to start a novel in my spare time. It’s an apocalyptic zombie novel. I’m sure there’s millions of those out there, but I feel if I can create relatable characters with interesting backgrounds to go with a strong plot I will have a good book. Cross my fingers. Mom and I have made a habit of playing cards after dinner. I look forward to it every evening. Angie is setting up a dinner party for this weekend. She is inviting her friend, Sarah. I’m nervous, hoping we hit it off. Seeing light at the end of the tunnel today. Feeling grateful.

Entry 10

Sarah is amazing. She’s a photographer who does poetry. She loves to travel, play games, hike, bike ride, swim, and have long conversations over a hot cup of coffee, which I have become proficient at making. We hit it off immediately and went out for a nightcap after dinner. She knows of a place where she wants to take me mountain biking. She says the scenery is beautiful. I’m all for it. Being around her helps me forget about all of my problems. Speaking about my problems, I contacted a lawyer this afternoon concerning divorce and seeing my kids. Mom is giving me the money to get things rolling with him on Monday. It will be a process, but I can’t wait to see Joey and Katie again. They must think I’ve forgotten all about them. I cry at night thinking about them. When I talk to Heather, she never lets me speak to them. I’m really hoping a judge can help me with that. All-in-all, I’m feeling good. I feel alive.

Entry 11

Talked with the lawyer today. He sounds confident that he can get me joint custody and that I will see the kids regularly. I got a raise at work today. It wasn’t huge, but it was something. To me, it was a sign that I’m holding down a job and for that I am grateful. Sarah and I started texting back and forth tonight before switching to the phone and talking for hours. We have a lot in common and make each other laugh. Instead of waiting until Saturday to go biking, she invited me over for dinner and a movie Wednesday night. I’m excited but nervous. What are her expectations. It has been so long since I dated, will I be able to read her signals? Will there be signals? I hope there are signals. I really could use some signals.

Entry 12

There were signals, and I’m on cloud nine. Grateful!

Entry 13

It has been a long time since I’ve written here, but I’ve been busy. I got a promotion to shift lead at work and with the extra hours and pay, moved into my own place. It’s a two-bedroom apartment, which will do for now since the kids are still little. Right now, I bounce between here and Sarah's place. We’ve gotten very serious. I want to propose now, but I know it’s not the best time. She hasn’t even met the kids yet. She will soon though, divorce court is in the morning. What a process that has been. I’ll be glad when it is all over. I think this will be my last entry in this journal. I will keep journaling. In fact, I have another journal for story ideas. However, I want a new journal for a new phase in my life, now that things are looking up. There’s forward motion in my life. I see myself someday managing the coffee shop with Sarah as my wife, seeing my kids regularly, maybe having one of our own, and I’ll always make time once a week to go by mom’s for dinner and a game of cards. In ending, not only am I feeling grateful, but I also feel blessed.