I'm done with This

"I quit!"

I looked up in surprise. Who said that? I turned my head and stared at the man sitting next to me in confusion.

"Excuse me?" he asked, looking alarmed.

I looked at him; really looked at him and realised that those were my words. I smiled at him and said again, "I quit!" This time I knew I was saying it out loud. But my growing clarity was doing nothing for him. I burst out laughing.

"I'm so sorry, Devin. That was not what I intended to say. It was more of a realisation. I'm quitting," I said, and took a deep breath before carrying on, "unfortunately I'm quitting you, or rather seeing you as a therapist but I think I'm ready to quit my job too. Sorry?"

Devin still had a shocked look on his face. He then reached out for his glass of water and took a deep gulp. He put the glass down and turned back to me. "Can I ask you to elaborate, please? Have I offended you in any way?"

I took a deep breath and as I released it, I felt my entire body almost breathe a sigh of relief. "Devin, I hate to say this to you, because it sounds like a bad line from a bad breakup; it's not you, it's me," I said with a gentle smile on my face, "I haven't been able to see my usual therapist for about nine months and recently I've felt like my life is on the verge of exploding. I thought coming to you would do the trick, but it hasn't. I don't feel us working out. But you asked me one question that broke through the clutter. You asked me - 'If you're so deeply unhappy with your job, why don't you just leave it?"

I looked at Devin expectantly; he looked at me as if he was trying not to lose it. I sighed and shook my head. "You see! We're not connecting; you don't even understand my cues!"

I was going to give him a chance, but then he rolled his eyes at me. Well, fuck that! "Send me the bill, I'm out of here!"

As I walked out of his office, annoyed at him but oddly relieved and floating as I walked to my car, I wished it was Monday already. I was so looking forward to leaving my job.

I called my sister as I got into the car. "Guess what? I'm quitting my job!"

I heard silence before she asked me, "Uhmm... what are you talking about? Are you drunk? Where are you calling from?"

I closed my eyes for a second. Bad idea. I was at a stop street and closing my eyes would not help. "I'm in your area. I'm coming to your house. I need to jump into your pool. If I'm going to have this conversation I need to cool off in this ass-hot humidity!"

I could imagine her shaking her head. "Okay. Drive safely. I know what a maniac you are on the road and you sound a little too... much?"

I laughed out loud. " You mean I sound bat shit crazy, but you're you so you won't say that. See you in a few minutes." I looked at my face in the rearview mirror. I looked maniacal and I was ecstatic.

---------------

I dragged myself back into the office.

Ugh, I hated being here. I always felt physically sick every time I walked through this door.

I'd started my morning at a client briefing and on my way back I stopped at the beach and bought myself an iced coffee because it was still ass and balls humidity.

Ewww.

I'd sat and looked out at the ocean and tried to calm the churning feeling I was beginning to feel as I mentally prepared myself to go to the office. I reflected on how I'd risen up the ranks within this company but could feel every achievement crushing my soul. What was I doing with my life? Why was I feeling so unfulfilled?

My sister had talked me down from leaving my job immediately. She, being the responsible accountant, said that I should wait and save enough money and delay leaving for another three to six months. "Be responsible," she said. I had agreed to do that and I hated myself for being so meek and feeling like I was giving up. I didn't have much savings and her advice was solid but felt like it would kill me to practice it. I was miserable and had no plans for life out of the agency. I just wanted out so I could just think. Breathe. Just be.

"He wants you in his office with Kerry," said the receptionist. She sounded so dead. Like she had literally left her body; yet when she answered that phone she was the most bubbly person ever. It was so sad. I understood it perfectly because I did it every day.

I dragged myself towards my boss's office and saw that Kerry was already there. I dropped my stuff at my desk and walked into his office, took a deep breath, closed the door and sat down.

My colleague and I were then on the receiving end of a thorough reaming out. I felt violated.

I sat quietly and looked at Kerry and just shook my head. Not this shit again. Not this fucked up shit again. I was so sick of it. This had nothing to do with either of us but we still had to listen to it. It was always the same. We would get crapped on from a dizzy height and a few days later, we would receive an apology. I was numb to it. I resented every apology and could not take it anymore.

"Leo, I need to speak to you when we're done. And no it cannot wait. So if you're done with this 'debriefing' can Kerry leave so I can speak to you?"

They both looked at me in shock. Kerry looked torn between wanting to know why I wanted to speak to our boss and wanting to run out of there. She decided very quickly and got up and went to the door. "I'll come back if you still need to see me, Leo, but I'll leave you with Zoe for now." She practically ran out of the office.

Leo turned to me and looked extremely annoyed. Well fuck that, we'll see how he felt after this.

"I quit."

He looked at me blankly. "What?"

"I said I'm quitting. I'll give you two months instead of the obligatory one month. I'll hand over all my stuff and I already know that the team that works with me will be able to pick it all up until you can decide what you want to do next."

His expression had changed from pissed off to complete shock. I let this sink in. I was back to feeling high and floaty. My sister was going to be so pissed! I smiled at him and said before he could ask, "Yes, I'm quitting; no, I have no job to go to and yes, I'm absolutely sure. I'm not changing my mind."

I took a deep breath.

"I quit."