what went wrong.

What went wrong in 2023. chronologically.

Irritated in January. Cold weather and hat hair. Not enough lotion in the world for my knuckles. Holiday hips from the Christmas splurges. And maybe the Thanksgiving and New Year splurges too. Commuting in the dark – both ways. Pajama nights that start at 6pm. Huge eye roll at the NYR (New Year Resolutions) that won’t last until the end of the month. Rent went up by $126. Cutting out the morning coffee to save pennies, making me a threat at the office pre-10am. My car, Tin Can, is starting to scream when I turn him on the morning. I fear for his life.

Insufferably lonely in February. Single Awareness Day, known to couples as Valentines Day, smack dab in the middle of the month taunting my winterized dating situation. Desperate for light in my lengthening days which are book ended by pitch blackness. Car breakdown = budget breakdown and bus pass. Emotional breakdown on the bus at 6:15a; comforted by Bob the homeless guy. Bob is surprisingly compassionate. Bob is the closest thing I’ve gotten to male attention in months. If it weren’t for the Bob smell, I might be tempted to ask for his number or find his tent behind the municipal building. Mom offered to set me up with her unemployed neighbor who lives with his mother. She was not convinced when I told her I didn’t want to raise a husband.

Marching into Spring. Tin Can (my car) is hobbling through with some duct tape and a prayer. Tin Can shimmies so violently on the freeway that I don’t need to mix my protein shake, I just drive to work. Began Friday night popcorn night to replace dinner out (or in) so I can put morning coffee back in my routine. Co-workers have turned me into HR. Ditched the tuke and I am back to real hair. Met Derek on the dating app that I tried for laughs. What the hell was I thinking swiping left? Had two dates. He makes Bob the homeless guy look like my best option. Mom, who has abandoned the unemployed neighbor, is putting votes in for the guy I dumped during Covid. Believe me when I tell you that shelter in place wasn’t good for us. If we had been trapped much longer; I might have been charged with homicide…

April on my mind. Jacket weather, baby! Workouts begin in earnest for the coming swimwear weather. Holiday hips are melting. Intermittent fasting is helping my grocery budget and my waistline. Down to only two pajama nights a week. Up for a raise at work now that the morning coffee is back. Long bike rides on Saturdays in the cool sunshine. Why did I agree to go out with Derek again? Friday night popcorn nights has extended to two nights a week to try and bolster the rent funds. Luckily, wholesalers are bringing in free food to the office. Dad started to mention a pain in his side. It isn’t like him to complain. Mom scheduled a doctor’s appointment mid-June.

May. Maybe things will be okay. I’m feeling hopeful about trying on swimsuits. Dad keeps telling Mom to cancel the doctor’s appointment in June. He says the pain is gone. Haven’t reached out to Derek in weeks. I am trying vegetables. Carrots are next week. 

June. Mixed bag. The raise is in – I got it! HR likes the me on coffee. Tin Can died an ignominious death on the freeway. Got out of traffic before auto death ensued. I almost died on the shoulder before a cop found me. Desperation texted Derek. Why don’t I take his number out of my phone?! Started biking to work. Dad got his diagnosis.

July. Halfway. Apparently, a raise isn’t really that much money after taxes. Found a biking group. The group leader has great forearms. And calves. And hair. Dad started treatments. I have started spending Sunday afternoons with the folks. Traded my coffee for tea. For 6 days. Traded my tea for coffee. Traded popcorn Fridays for Ben and Jerry’s Fridays. Glorious summer sunshine is now an aloe vera fest. Heat blisters are the worst.

Agonizing August. Dad is on hospice. The treatments didn’t take.

Despondent in September. Massive crash on my bike on my way home from work. Nothing is broken. 18 stitches. Struggling to focus at work. Not interested in eating, sleeping, or dating. Breathing in and out. Everything else requires too much effort. Desperate to sleep but I lay there all-night counting ceiling tiles.

October, I think. Mom called on a Sunday morning. I held his hand until he left this life. I hate everything about goodbye. It should have been different. Shouldn’t it? I wouldn’t have kept him here in that body. I can’t imagine life without his laughter. He will never meet my husband. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

November? The days are getting short again. Pajama nights are back. I sit in front of the TV but I’m not watching. Snow has buried everything. Things feel more still and quiet. My friends Ben and Jerry are back on Friday night.

December. I traded in my bus pass for a new used car and a new coat. Not all the windows roll clear to the top. Relieved to cover my hair with a hat these days. Ran into the bike group leader downtown. Still has good calves. Poor guy asked me why I stopped coming. It is still hard to tell people. Dad is gone. I cried. He had a handkerchief in his pocket like a guy from the 1940s. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. He took me for coffee. His name is Alec. He is giving homeless Bob a run for his money.

What will go right in 2024.

I applied for a job. I am so right for it. It is $6 more an hour.

Used car still running. Got all four windows to the top.

Got my bike fixed.

I fired Ben and Jerry on Friday.

I discovered I like carrots.

Mom and I got theater season tickets for the Sunday matinee.

Homeless Bob found a job and a place to live (not behind the municipal building).

I’ve given up coffee. Again. I’m on day 34. HR is not involved at work yet. Good sign.

Derek found someone online. I met her. They deserve each other.

Got a roommate. She likes popcorn Fridays.

I volunteer for Visiting Angels to spend time with terminal patients. And help their families cope.

Alec and I go for bike rides every Saturday. 

Dad would like the way this year is headed.