Drunk on Life

Drunk On Life

1

Beena Kumari tossed the newspaper aside. Her Personal Assistant (PA) Sharmila observed this and sighed, “I guess the rumors on that website were true after all, no National Award for you, this year as well.”

Beena grunted in affirmation. Sharmila continued, “Why are you so bothered about the National Awards? You have already won a couple of Fairfilm awards. Just put down your head and continue with your brilliant acting.”

Beena uncoiled her long legs from below her – for she was sitting on them to keep them lean – and stood up. She crossed across her own caramel lips embroidered on a very expensive Turkish rug that was gifted by a fan – the rug depicted a well-known still from her second film that was also her breakthrough film - flopped down besides Sharmila on the settee and said, “Fairfilm awards, however authentic, do not have the appearance of authenticity. The National awards, however lopsided they may be, do have the perception of authenticity and darling, our industry is completely appearances and perceptions.”

Sharmila gave this much thought, “Why don’t you move away from your melancholic roles and move to some light hearted comedy or romance or better still, become India’s answer to Molly Ringwald and do some coming-of-age movies?”

Beena chuckled, “Coming-of-age at this age and that too in India, do you see a penis attached to me anywhere? The only event in my age that can be called coming… oh well, forget it!”

“So you do not want to change the genre of your movies and you are thirsting for a National Award. This means you will have to change your acting but you get phenomenal reviews as is, babes, do not unbalance this gravy boat, is my suggestion.”, Sharmila surmised.

“Oh, Sharmila! You forgot, what I just said. Appearances before acting, any day. I have a plan for my next indie film, ‘Kabhi Bhabhi Kabhi Bewdi’.” With this cryptic answer, Beena started on her first work day of her thirteenth film.

2

“And that’s a wrap”, the director said, “It was a perfect take, ma’am. No one can match your body language and your expressions for these kind of characters.” He continued gushing as directors are wont to do.

While talking to her, he turned to an assistant director (AD) and said, “Get, fresh lime water for ma’am.” He turned back to talk to her but she had suddenly disappeared from his vision which was hardly surprising considering that she had fainted and was on the floor.

Sharmila who was always around rushed up to her and splashed some water when that didn’t work, a couple of people went looking for an onion believing that the smell of a peeled onion can wake up even the dead, clearly, then unconscious people cannot stand a chance. This led to a general argument that started with two of the ADs and spread throughout the studio whether the smell of garlic is more potent or onions.

This argument also did not awaken Beena from her – what, by now, people believed to be induced by alcohol – stupor. Finally, a make-up artist, enthusiastically came forward with his shoes and socks; he said that he had indisputable empirical evidence that the smell of socks and/or shoes can wake up almost anyone. It was then Beena opened her eyes and eloquently in a whisper asked, “What happened?”

She was promptly taken to a doctor where a more than adequate sample of blood was taken. The extra quantity of blood went into a vial labeled: ‘Sotheby’s Beena’s Blood’. Swiftly, tests were conducted and – much to everyone’s surprise – too much alcohol in the system was designated to be the cause of the actor losing consciousness.

Everyone on the set attested to the fact that she had not consumed alcohol at least in front of their presence but the industry is well-versed in the numerous ways in which subterfuge could take place. A single incident was hence dispensed with advice on hydration and food.

3

It was only when this situation arose another two times that solid rumors started doing rounds on the authenticity of Beena’s acting, an acting with such sublimity that when she acted the role of the drunkard, she acted with such belief that her body followed her mind.

There were a couple of articles that were written about these incidents in the tabloids; but the broadsheets would not be swayed by rumors alone. Some journalists hence decided to confirm whether Beenaji was imbibing alcohol in any form. All liquids that she consumed – including rajma, dal, smoothies, etc. – were meticulously checked, journalists who wanted a shot of Jack Daniels in their line of work were disappointed. Bathrooms were checked, but no one thought to check the jeera rice that was cooked in water that was 75% single malt whiskey.

With this clear run to highs in her life, her reputation as an ephemeral actor was established. The first couple of weeks went breezily past then Beena started getting drunk on rice that was cooked only in water. At first, she was amused but she soon started getting suspicious of her team. She spoke to Sharmila and despite assurances fired the old team and recruited new people. When she was still getting drunk, it was just a matter of days, before Sharmila would go and then Sharmila went too.

Soon, she started cooking her own food refusing to drink or eat anything from outside. All new Bisleri bottles were minutely examined for needle puncture marks and kept in sight at all times. Within three months of the wrap-up of ‘Kabhi Bhabhi, Kabhi Bewdi’, she had stopped going for gym and yoga sessions and was no longer taking care of her appearance.

Before long, producers stopped considering her for roles. Then suddenly, there was a piece of good news, she did win the National Award for ‘Kabhi Bhabhi, Kabhi Bewdi’ but by the time the message reached her she was already dead from liver cirrhosis. The doctors were surprised at the amount of damage her liver had seen considering her young age. It was the liver of someone who was consistently drunk at all times.

It would be tough to find an actor who did more for method acting than Beena Kumari. Cheers to that!