First, Last, With Nothing in Between

First, Last, With Nothing in Between

Rita, Linda, Gail, Annie, Judy, Mardi… Annie..  Annie… Annie.

I thought I buried the moment, got my mind out of Neutral, thought I could someday see the sunrise as the beginning of a new day. The moment, that wonderful, horrible moment, paid me another unwelcome visit last night, so today will be lost.

 The best of times, the worst of times. I understand it now. Bring it back, remember it all, cherish it, and then struggle to banish it forever from my memory. Few will recall the best moment of their life as the most regrettable.

Annie, the girl next door, literally. She was about 5 years old when they moved in next door. Her brother Bill was 6, same age as I, and we quickly became best buddies. Annie filled the role of the sister I never had.

The best I can describe it would be to say she was one of us, one of the guys- me, Bill, Johnny C., Bruce, Greg, Annie.  She was right there with us for all the back alley games- basketball at Johnny C.’s garage, Wiffle Ball, and hard-fought touch football contests that went on for hours. The first inkling I had that she wasn’t quite one of us was the day her Father exploded when he saw us all playing tackle football in my front yard- “Ann Catherine Nelson! You get in here right now!”

Annie would come over once a week to help my ailing Mother clean the house. I would help Annie help my Mother clean the house. Afterward, we’d sit on the sofa and read Peanuts comic books. I still remember her favorite- Charlie Brown caught stealing home to end the game. Unfortunately for poor Charlie, he went into his slide after completing only half the journey from 3rd base to home plate. Whenever one of us would speak of an awkward or difficult situation, the other would yell “Slide!”, a message of desperation with no good options.

The high school years. Yes, then it became abundantly clear that she was different. Annie went from being a neat kid in the neighborhood to the pretty girl who lived next door. The dating world came knocking- casual, fun, scary, and exciting all at once. The thought of a romantic relationship with Annie never occurred to me for that indeed would have been like dating my sister.

Greg, living 5 doors down the street, never developed that brother-sister relationship with Annie, and soon they became an item. I had no problem with that. I liked Greg. I liked Annie. Yet, seeing them together did bring a certain level of discomfort. Maybe I felt that my special relationship with Annie could somehow be diminished in the wake of the budding romance between my two neighbors and childhood “buddies”.

We still spent time together- house cleaning, comic books, and study sessions at City Library, and of course, seeing each other in the halls of Central High- but not as much as in the years gone by. New friends, new activities-sports, cheerleading, the band, homecoming floats…busy, busy, busy. And of course, Greg was in the picture.

I went to college out of state. There were a couple of letters, but no phone calls as long distance was expensive. I saw Annie at Christmas and spring break, but the Peanuts books never made it off the shelf. We were floating off into different directions as adulthood often commands.  

Fate. Funny how one thing affects another, especially if separated by thousands of years. If not for the glaciers, we wouldn’t have the Great Lakes. If I hadn’t lived 10 miles from Lake Michigan, I would not have had an interest in taking the Milwaukee Clipper round-trip cruise from Milwaukee to Muskegon. If my date for that excursion had not taken ill after I bought the tickets, I would not have asked Annie to accompany me on the trip.

Friends. Annie, Greg, and I were all good friends. There were no issues with Annie and I taking the cruise together.

Five hours on a boat provides ample opportunity to reminisce, catch up, and reconnect. Before we reached Michigan, I was reminded of how wonderful she was and how much I missed her. Unfamiliar thoughts were floating around in my head as the ship headed back home under a canopy of stars.

It was cold on deck, a stiff breeze coming off the frigid water as the bow broke through the waves. Under the light of a full moon, with her light brown hair twisting in the wind, Annie bore little resemblance to the ten-year-old girl who could whack a homer over Cooper’s garage. Friendship, romance, friendship, romance, it was all swirling around in my head.

“I’m cold.”

Annie slid over on the bench, and those unfamiliar thoughts went into overdrive as I could feel her pressed up against me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Instinctively, I put my arm around her and she leaned her head on my shoulder. It was all so different…so nice… and so scary at the same time. I was in a very strange place, and I could only wonder what Annie was thinking. Was she merely seeking warmth or was something else going on?

The bright lights of Milwaukee appeared on the horizon. I couldn’t talk or move, having just arrived, after all those years, at a place I had never imagined. God, I wished I knew what she was thinking. I wanted to be there and I didn’t. I felt the pressure. Once I crossed the line, there would be no going back. If her mind wasn’t in the same place, it would be a disaster. Dare I risk spoiling the friendship? I alternated between enjoying the moment and lamenting the fact my date had to cancel.  

The shoreline was approaching. The opportunity might not ever present itself again. The coward within- maybe she would make the first move. But she didn’t.

Maybe it was the cold, or perhaps we were both just too relaxed to move, but most of the passengers had disembarked before we got off the bench. I’ve played it out in my head a thousand times, and I still don’t understand the moment. I turned toward Annie, placed both my hands on her shoulders, pulled her close to me, and gently kissed her forehead. The act said everything I felt at the moment- respect, reverence, and love.

My heart stopped. I’m guessing hers might have too. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. The boat, the passengers, and the light brown hair, all froze in place for those few seconds that defined all the years that followed.

Silence wrapped its comforting arms around us as we walked to the car, both struggling to understand the meaning of what had just happened. I regained the gift of speech as I opened the car door for her.

“That was fun.”

“Yes, yes it was.”

Deflection. Shock. Confusion. Awkward avoidance. Fear. They joined forces to keep us both deep in thought all the way home. How and why did I do that? Did I just upset our special friendship? What was she thinking? I feared I just introduced a feeling of discomfort into our relationship, a consequence not readily overcome. Paralyzed by the magnitude of the moment, maybe I would just yell “Slide!” and pretend I were someplace else. I never wanted to cause Annie a troubling moment, and I debated risk vs. reward every minute of the ride home. In the end, I remained silent.

In all the years that followed, we never spoke of that moment. I like to think we both so cherished our friendship that we didn’t want to risk ruining it. But in my heart, I believe we knew.  

I ran into Annie and Greg again last night. It all came back. I have anguished over that kiss a thousand times. I should never have introduced the hint of romance into our friendship. I should have been satisfied with being just good friends. But what if I had spilled my heart out to her that night? Would that have opened the door to a lifetime of happiness for both of us? How did she feel about the kiss? I should have asked her right then and there. Why didn’t I just tell her how I felt?  Did she have those same feelings for me? The uncertainty torments me.

 What possessed me to do it? I’m glad I got to kiss her at least once, even if it was only on the forehead. But having kissed her, having felt that special closeness to my dear, sweet Annie just that one time, has given me something to miss for the rest of my life. Why did I do it? Why did my date have to cancel? Why did those flippin’ glaciers have to come this way?

Inciteful observation on life- whys and what ifs do not make good travel companions.