Pop Standards.

Amanda turned and walked down the street. Jeff watched her, half mesmerized, half insane with rage. He didn’t know what to do with the emotions that were welling up inside him. It was a little bit of everything, and every fiber of his being was screaming “CHASE HER,” but Jeff had listened. Amanda was going. She didn’t want him around anymore. C’est la vie. Poor Jeff. So why start the story at the end?

Jeff and Amanda had a tumultuous and passionate relationship. It was unbalanced and confusing at best. At its worst… things hurt. Something in the way they knew each other. They could cut to the core of a conversation. They could see straight through. They didn’t need to be honest. The truth was always right there on their faces. It made things easier half of the time. Then, the fights would spark up and they’d fill the room with spite. Some honest opinions would fly ‘round the room and they’d be despondent for a time. It would pass, though. There was love between them. It kept things from getting out of hand.

Jeff walked to his car and unlocked the door. He got in, turned the key, and cranked some tunes. The music was too familiar and every word resonated with a subtle echo that sounded just like Amanda singing along. Jeff turned off the music. He pulled out onto the street and heard a horn blare at him as a car swerved to miss him. He barely noticed. He was lost in his thoughts. Rolling through the lexicon of pop standards buried deep in his mind. The jukebox of his psyche picked out an old crooner tune and Jeff took a deep breath.

He hummed a bit. He moaned slightly. Cleared his throat. He bellowed. A few times at different levels. Finally, he rolled down the window, hit the highway, and started singing to himself. A sorrowful old lounge tune that would just break the audience’s heart. He let the lyrics pour out of him. The car was filled with his song and he took his time between each line. Remembering the words came with ease, but remembering how to sing took a little work. He didn’t always breathe right. He didn’t always hit the notes right. He didn’t always sound good. His voice was deep and difficult to work with. Still, he drove on, belting out another classic tune that matched his blues.

No one knew how much Jeff sang. He did it every day. All the time. When he was alone and had the freedom of expression. His voice would pick up, he would wander his room, and the music would come from within. Amanda didn’t know. Would she care? Would it surprise her? What would she think of his voice?

He had wanted to sing to her. In the morning, when they were awake enough. Ever the self conscious mess, Jeff didn’t try it. Sure, they’d listen to music and sing along all the time, but not the pop standards. Not the Rat Pack. Jeff listened to that stuff alone, and that’s the kind of voice he had. He was thinking too much and his voice started to trail off. He grew somber and traveled on in silence. There was a fear setting in that Amanda meant it this time. That he genuinely did watch her walk away for the last time.

He had so much love for her, more than he’d had in a long time, but life was in the way. It wasn’t the first time someone had pushed Jeff away for their own well being, but this felt unfair. Uneven. He was in a good place. Doing good things. Feeling good about life and himself. So why wouldn’t she want to be a part of that? Why couldn’t he share that with her?

Driving on, he pondered the complexity of their semblance of a relationship. Too many mixed signals. Too much confusion. When they stayed in, too much booze. Then they’d fall asleep in each other’s arms. Then she’d kick him out before the sun came out. When they went out, it was pleasant. They looked good together and they enjoyed each other’s company. When they fought, it was either quietly intense or bombastically overblown. When they first started this back and forth, she was quick to call it love. Not true love. Not being in love. Not happily ever after, magic, fairy tale love. Real love. The kind that keeps you coming back for more no matter how bad it is for you. The kind that keeps you up all fucking night. The kind that tucks you in warmly and turns out the light. That love. The one that people take for granted. That’s the kind of love they shared.

Amanda wanted to change her life somehow. She wasn’t positive what the next move was, but she didn’t want anything holding her back. That’s what hurt the most. Jeff hadn’t considered himself an impediment. He thought he was a good thing in her life. He had expected something was coming, but he didn’t really know what to make of her decision. He didn’t really care about anyone the way he cared about her. He was momentarily lost. So he kept driving.

The city was behind him and he was making his way past the county. Once he got to the country, he’d find somewhere to pull over and explore. He had a good idea where a hiking ground was and he felt the need to be out in nature. It was another 20 minutes before he found what he was looking for, but he parked the car and set out on a path.

Jeff trekked on steadily, heading uphill. This trail would be a challenge, but he didn’t have a thing to do today and he was relaxing. His pace slowed and he hummed another song from days gone by. Amanda’s face welled up in his mind. He heard a voice from behind that must have been his imagination. Then, he heard it again.

“Seriously?” Amanda said.

Jeff turned and faced her. She had gone home and changed. Jeff smirked and spoke. “Oh hello.”

“I can’t fucking get away from you.” Amanda was exacerbated. 

“I got here first.” Jeff said with defiance. “This is my old hiking ground. Not yours.”

Amanda crossed her arms. “You don’t even go on hikes anymore. What’re you doing out here?”

Jeff raised an eyebrow. He looked around the woods. “I’m trying to right my mind. You kinda threw me through a loop.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m going to go find somewhere else to hike.” Amanda turned around and started walking away. Jeff’s subconscious screamed at him through the haze. He couldn’t watch her walk away twice in one day. It would kill him.

“Yo.” He spoke up. “Turn around.”

Amanda paused and half turned. She glanced at him with a hint of anger. “What.” She demanded.

“I’m not done loving you.” Jeff stared at her. Through her. 

Amanda looked down. “You should be.” She said, just loud enough for Jeff to hear.

They stood in silence. There was a distance that needed to be crossed before they could move forward from this moment. The wind was cool. The forest was alive and the sun was getting low. There was love to be felt, if they would only have the volition to express it honestly. The silence grew as the sun got lower and they stayed apart from each other. Staring. Thinking. Trying to decide what to say.

The park closed at sunset, and neither knew how long their silence had lasted. They were fixed. Unable to move. Unable to quit. Jeff looked at the time and finally spoke.

“Fuck this. I’m going home.” He stated as he started toward Amanda. She stepped back slightly and he stopped. “You’re backing away from me? ...Jesus, that hurts.”

Amanda registered her unconscious movement and the look of pain on Jeff’s face. Guilt washed over her and she raised her voice. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine.” Jeff said. “Call me sometime.”

As he passed, Amanda grabbed his hand. She still wouldn’t look him in the eyes, but she quietly spoke. “Can you just… go to my place?”

Jeff sighed. Everything in his head told him not to, but those voices were always telling him to do shit that didn’t work out for him. His heart was in Amanda’s hand. She had him. “Sure. Ok.” He conceded.

She let go of his hand. “I need to walk for a bit more. I’ll be home soon.”

“That’s fine.” Jeff said.

Amanda walked forward in the growing darkness of the forest. She always had a flashlight and mace with her and she was a force to be reckoned with. Jeff wasn’t worried. Well, not about her well being. He was worried out of his mind about the future.

He made it back to his car, turned the key, and gave the radio a second chance. It was another failed attempt at entertainment, so it was back to Jeff’s secret passion. He jumped from song to song, from line to line, and let himself get lost in the expression. He felt successfully distracted. Ready for whatever came next. It was a good night to sit outside, so he waited for Amanda on the porch. The moon and the stars were taking over the sky and Jeff felt alright. Not fantastic. Just fine.