Blueberries Jubilee

The day was cold and the sky was steel grey. As the wind gusted, an elderly woman in a dragon-print dress hurried from the sidewalk on top of a hill into a modern, glass-walled house. From inside the house the market and ocean in the valley below could be seen intermittently through low-flying clouds. The woman, Francesca, was too busy to take in the view as she normally would from her chair; she was busy getting the items she had just purchased in order on the counter to make a special dessert for her niece's birthday.

"Alright. Chocalate icing, check," Francesca spoke to herself. "Horsecock sauce, check."

Francesca called horseradish "horsecock sauce" ever since she was little. Everyone in their family called it horsecock sauce. Though obscene to those not in-the-know, horsecock sauce was an integral part of Francesca's family tradition and vocabulary, not to mention the main ingredient in the special dessert

"Blueberry creme, check. Quinoa, check. Fried oats, check. Salt, check. Sugar, checkmate."

Francesca stood with her hand on her hip and looked at the ingredients for a moment, then got out a bowl.

"Okay, so three cups of horsecock sauce, or should i try using four?"

Francesca had always toyed with the idea of using four cups of sauce, but never could commit. There were so many things to take into account. Would it make the Blueberries Jubilee too saucy? Perhaps too zingy? Francesca got in her dolphin-print purse and grabbed a phone with an actual turtle shell case. She dialed and waited. Finally, an answer.

"Howdy?"

"Hi, Dan. It's Francesca."

Dan was Francesca's brother, surely he would know how much horsecock sauce to use.

"Hey, Franny! Good to hear your voice."

"Yours too, yours too. Listen, I'm making Blueberries Jubilee and," Dan cut her off.

"Blueberries Jubilee?! What's the occasion?"

"It's Sasha's birthday."

Oh, how nice. How old is our baby Sasha now?"

"Fifty-five today."

"On the elevens even. Well, give her my love, and be sure to use plenty of horsecock sauce."

"Funny you mention that, Dan. That's why I'm calling. I can't decide whether I should use three or four cups of horsecock sauce. It's driving me banana."

" You know what's driving me banana?"

"What, Dan?"

" Your nephew. He's upstairs playing the xylophone. He's been playing it incessantly for four weeks."

"That's too bad, Dan."

"Yeah.. But about the horsecock sauce, why don't you use three and a half cups, don't want the Blueberries Jubilee to get too zingy."

"Hmm, three and a half? I'll think about it. Thanks, Dan."

"No problemo, Franny. Love you!"

"Love you too. I'll talk to you later."

Francesca hung up the phone and began discussing the situation with herself.

" Three and a half cups? Not enough horsecock sauce if you ask me. Four cups too zingy? What does Dan know anyway? Dan's not a baker, he's a painter of fancy portraits. Renouned throughout the world as the best who ever lived, but at painting. He's not an expert when it comes to Blueberries Jubilee. What should I do?"

She continued talking to herself for 6 hours, debating how much horsecock sauce to use, then came a kncok on the door. Her niece! She'd completely lost track of time and now she was here. There would be no Blueberries Jubilee tonight. Francesca hurried to the door.

"Sasha! So good to see you," Francesca hugged her niece and showed her in.

"I can't wait for a big pile of Blueberries Jubilee. I haven't eaten all day in anticipation."

Francesca took Sasha's coat and put it on the rack near the door, feeling nervous about the news she had to deliver.

"About the Blueberries Jubilee.."

" Yes, the Blueberries Jubilee will be amazing as always, I'm sure. The zingy horsecock sauce, the delectable blueberry creme - I've been waiting all year for a taste."

"You're not listening to me, Sasha," Francesca said while putting a hand on her niece's shoulder.

" What is it? What's wrong Aunt Francesca?"

Francesca began to weep.

" I couldn't decide on how much horsecock sauce to use. I was debating between four cups and three cups so I called Dan and he said three and a half cups, but Dan is a painter not a baker, and why did I ever call Dan, and then I lost track of time as I debated with myself, and, and."

"So there is no Blueberries Jubilee? " said Sasha, lowering her eyes.

" I'm so sorry dear. But wait, we can make it together!"

"Impossible. I'm leaving Aunt Francesca. I hope you find as much happiness burning in hell as I will watching you. You're dead to me, bitch."

And with that being said, Sasha stormed out of the house never to return. Francesca's tears were blood now, and a puddle had gathered on the floor.

"Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy," screamed Francesca, her life completely ruined.

All of a sudden a portal of light opened up and a bearded man in robes walked through. He placed his hand on Francesca's shoulder.

"My child, I am Jesus. What is troubling you?"

Francesca looked up, face streaked with blood and began pounding on Jesus' chest.

"What is troubling me!? You should know, you're the son of god. I ruined my niece's birthday."

"I see," said Jesus, tenderly embracing Francesca, breathing warm air on her neck. "Isn't there anything I can do?"

"Yes, you can fix this whole mess and make it perfect. Please, you have to help.."

Jesus cut off Francesca by sticking his tongue in her mouth. Francesca pulled away, completely confused.

"What are you doing?"

"I was trying to make things better," said Jesus while dropping his robes to the ground.

"No. Huh uh. Nope. Leave. Not doing this, Jesus. Take your robes and leave! Now!"

Jesus began to cry tears of blood.

"Fine, I'll go. But I hope you have as much fun burning in hell as.."

"As you do watching me. Yeah, got it. Deja fucking vu."

Jesus picked up his robes and and carried them to the portal and soon was enveloped by light. He was never heard from again. As for Francesca, she ended up getting a job in the rodeo busting broncos for a nickel a pop. People would come from miles around to watch her ride the ponies, not knowing the deep pain she felt from her niece's lost love. She had also learned to play hop scotch - classic Francesca!