I Just Want to be Free

Note: This story has hints of self harm and mental health issuses. If that is a senstive topic for you then be aware and stay safe.

Day one,

I don’t know where this all begins and where it all ends, all I know is I’m lost. Lost in the darkest of mazes, it’s been a day since I was left here, with nothing more than the clothes on my back and this journal. I just feel lost and hopeless, the walls of the maze seem to be closing in around me. My hands are still shaking from panic-induced fear, yet somehow I find myself able to hold this pen and write. I don’t know why I’m writing, perhaps it’s to pull me away from the crushing fear of being trapped, likely to never see the outside world again. Perhaps I write in order to leave my mark on the world and let everyone know that I was here. Although I’m not sure who will find this journal let alone read this journal. I wandered the maze for hours trying to find a way out. But after a while I gave up. This place is huge and it feels like I’m not going anywhere. I came across so many dead ends and after a bit, I wasn’t even sure where I came from. I panicked after that. Once I realized I couldn’t find my way back to the place I woke up. And now I sit here and write, hoping to somehow calm my nerves and think of some way to survive this, some way to get out, but I’m not optimistic about that.

Day two,

I’m so incredibly thirsty and I lack the energy to continue exploring the maze. I haven’t had any water since I got here and I don’t think I can go for much longer. I tried to explore the maze today, but I found nothing and got nowhere. I probably should force myself to search and look instead of just sitting here, but the sun is so incredibly warm and my lips are so dry. I just want a drink.

Day three,

I found water yesterday! I managed to stumble upon a clearing with a lake, I’m no longer thirsty although I am incredibly hungry now. The sun isn’t so bright today and after I got my fill of water yesterday I fell asleep. I did have to drink the water very slowly so I wouldn’t throw up, but I feel relieved to have found water. When I woke up this morning I decided to explore the clearing since I hadn’t really looked at it. I was so focused on getting to the water. I stumbled across an abandoned tent with a backpack full of supplies, sadly it had no food so I’m still hungry. The tent surprised me. It tells me that there could be other people in this maze, that or there were. I didn’t do much today, but I did fill up some bottles I got from the backpack with water. I will probably leave this clearing tomorrow, I want to find my way out and I’m determined to do it.

Day four,

I traveled the maze all day today and wound back up in the clearing. I’m so tired of this maze and so hungry. I can hardly think because I’m so hungry and dizzy. I feel so discouraged. I have just walked a circle and made no progress on finding the way out. I just want to go home. When I stumbled back into the clearing I felt like crying and I wanted to scream. I almost didn’t write today, but my thoughts turned to home and I needed a distraction. That plan didn’t go down so well.

Day five,

I sat beneath the tent all day today. It started raining very early in the morning, I’m not sure when all I know is I have no energy to go anywhere today, probably best anyway considering the rain. My stomach feels tight and so incredibly empty. I just want to get out of this maze. I sobbed for a long time today in despair and pain. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can make it out. My only regret is that I won’t be able to see my family again. Most likely will never know what happened to me. The trap I fell into. I just wanted money in order to help my family, but I’m not even able to do that. I just want to go home. I want out of this stupid maze and to rid myself of my misery. Can’t I go home? What did I do to deserve to be trapped here to die? I can’t die. I have to get home. I have to.

Day seven,

I walked all of yesterday and all of today. I‘m exhausted and sore and starving. But My wish to go home and see my family again has given me the strength to push on and try and find my way out of the maze. I have to get out. I have to find my way home. For my family. They need me. I need them.

Day eight, 

I found a skeleton today. It was just sitting there staring at the wall. Whoever this person was they gave up and withered away. I don’t want to die that way. Sitting and waiting for the inevitable. I’m gonna keep walking until I die can’t. Once I can’t walk I’ll crawl. I’ll do anything to get back to my family.

Day ten,

I’m still very hungry, but I did find some food. It was sitting in a crate along the maze’s walls. Since I left the clearing I haven’t seen anything but walls. They are all around me and I’m tired of the walls. I’m tired of being trapped in here, I feel as if I might go insane. I can’t stand still, but I don’t want to see the walls. If I’m not thinking about the walls my thoughts are with my family. I think of my mother who has worked so hard to feed us kids. Who has sacrificed so much just to put bread on our table. I miss her. I miss her gentle smile and her work-torn hands as she combed them through my hair. I miss my sister and her bright smile. She always knew what to say to cheer me up, she always knew how to keep us optimistic about the future. I wish she was here now, I just want the encouragement that came with her joy and laughter. I miss my brother whose tiny hands would cling to mine and how he would always look up at me with such trust and admiration. I came here for them. I came here to get money for them. For my family. I just wish I had known what I was getting myself into. I just want to go home. I miss you, my family. I don't want to die.

Day eleven,

When I came here I was promised money. My family needed that money. We need that money. They tricked me and put me in this maze. I don’t even know if there is a way out. I could just be wandering to nowhere. I could have taken the wrong path and be as good as dead. I could hardly stand this morning and each day it gets harder and harder to walk. I feel as if I am just aimlessly walking and going nowhere. The walls still feel as if they are closing in on me. It’s all I see. Twists and turns it doesn’t matter, because wherever I go all I see is the walls. They tower above me casting shadows and blocking out all hope of escape. I feel so empty, not even the hunger seems to give me any relief from the thoughts in my head. 

Day fourteen,

It’s so cold, even with the sun beating down on me all I feel is cold. I can’t get warm. I can’t feel anything. I just feel numb. The shadows cast by the walls seem to jump up at me and wrap around my neck. I’m not sure when I last ate, but I’m pretty sure I found some food at some point. Maybe not, I don’t know anymore. Nothing makes sense and I’m so tired of walking. It’s so cold. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

Day,

Time has no meaning anymore. I don’t know how long I have been here or even how far I have come. Everything is a blur. I have nothing left. What do I have to keep going? Why should I keep going? My family is nothing but a distant dream. I ‘m not sure If I will ever get out. It doesn’t seem to matter anyway. I feel as if I’m just delaying the inevitable. Just putting off my demise. Perhaps I should just sit and stare at the wall until I die. I don’t think I’m gonna make it out.

Snakes dance in the shadows and fire rains from the sky. Nothing makes sense anymore. The world is a blur. Just colors and confusion. I walk sometimes and sometimes I just sit. The only time I seem capable of making any thought is when I am writing. Otherwise it’s just mindlessly wandering. It’s still cold, but I no longer feel so numb. Pain helps. I don't know what to do anymore. I don’t think I can go on. I feel as if I’m sinking deep into an ocean and I’m so tired of swimming. I can’t keep going forever. I should just die. I can't keep swimming, not when everything is pulling me down.

Help me! I just want to be free!

I have been sitting staring at this wall for a while. I don’t think I saw a wall there. I keep seeing my family. Sometimes I get up and try to follow them. They always disappear though.

The wall has words etched into it! It says, “You're almost there!” I think I might have found the way out. As impossible as it seems. I barely dare to hope. I don’t know if I should believe the words. Should I keep going? If they are true I can go home. I can see my family, but it could be a lie. Is it a lie? I’m not even sure if I should trust it. What’s the point? I’ve been barely hanging on for so long and I’m not sure if it’s worth it.

I have decided to follow the sign. Perhaps I will make it out. Although it could be a trap, I have no reason to sit here. I’m leaving the journal though. I’m either gonna be free or dead. I hope I will be free. I hope to see my family and my home. My mind is a jumbled mess, but I’m gonna push through. Maybe someone will find my journal and have the courage to push forward because of me. I hope to find my way soon though. To be set free one way or another.

We all want to be set free from this cage and free from our minds which has become an endless vast wasteland of pain and misery. But never, never should we give up. Cling to hope and let it carry you from this maze of despair and darkness.