Don’t Let Go

Content warning: suicide

The snow fell gently. Calming me at the last moment. The snow reminding me of the stars. Close and distant at the same time. All of them moving in their paths long determined by fate. 

This moment, like many moments before, was broken with the old memory. Your voice breaking as you told me ”hold on, don’t let go”! 

You were in uniform back then. Just like I was. Back in the Stan. They say being gut shot is one of the most painful feelings you can experience. Boy were they right. The pain was ungodly. But your eyes. Even with grit and sand on your face. Your eyes sang to me. Even on what I thought was my last breaths, those eyes would have been the perfect way to leave this world. Looking into the eyes that reflected galaxies. 

You kept saying the words that you will repeat at the end of your life. “Stay with me, don’t let go”! I finally looked away from your eyes to see her gloved hands pressing on my bandage that was already crimson. 

Maybe it was the blood loss or the pain, but I started imagining how your hands looked in those gloves. Probably sweaty, dirty and of course playing house with a pint full of sand. It was around then that I blacked out. 

I woke in a medical tent. Through the pain I looked around for you. Asked the wandering doctors and nurses about you. No one remembered you. But I did. The eyes of moving stars, and the hands of a helping soldier. It wasn’t till a month later that I seen you. On the same transport. The bullet wound that still ached me was like a tickle compared to what I felt the moment I seen you. 

I got you to say yes to my offer of coffee as a thank you for saving me. You tired to wave me off. Saying you were just doing your job. But I got you to smile like all the angels in heaven. I was in love right there. 

You remember where I took you sweetie. That small little coffee shop. The one where the waiter played that joked with the fake spill cups. You jumped so bad I thought you where going to fall out of your chair. We sipped coffee and laughed. Your voice sounded like music. You told me of your home and of the mountain side that you miss. I brought you there on our one year anniversary. A small camp and a sky full of solar ghost. I held you then. Tight and close to my heart. Your breath puffed as you whispered. “Don’t let go”. 

That echo of your voice saying those words brought me to the other memory. 

The fear in your voice turned my stomach. But want broke my heart and destroyed my mind was knowing. Knowing that I brought you to that spot to ask a very important question. A important question on the spot of our first kiss many anniversaries later.

We never did make it official my love. We loved and laughed. We argued and fought. But we never ended a day angry. We always talked and forgave. We survived so many fights from within and without. Yet, we never made it official.

Because than came the little ones. 

We made plans to tied the knot. But fate never allowed it. Work, then kids. Fate always found a way to keep that ring off our fingers. That’s why I brought you to that spot. To complete our union. If only I knew, I would have held you close and never have brought you so close to the edge. We always did like to push boundaries huh? 

They’re fine my dear, by the way. The kids. They miss you. But they have their own families now. More things to occupy their mind. Unlike me. 

Where was I? My mind wonders a lot these days. Ah, yes. Then, because of the fresh snow, or fate, you slipped. I reached out and grabbed you. You cried and screamed. I held as tight as I could. But the wind howled and the sky and the cosmos seemed not to care as you slipped from my fingers. I watched you fall. You looked up at me with fear and panic. Till the sound of meat and bone hit the ground at almost terminal velocity. 

For ten years I tried to move on. I say I’m fine when I’m asked. I’m still told to this day it wasn’t my fault. I always nod to them. But I know the truth. We weren’t young any more. I should have been more careful. But like the falling snow around me. My fate is determined. Your glazed eyes and broken body haunts my mind. But the question that was never asked and the dress you never wore has melted my soul. 

So here I stand on the bank of the same frozen lake that destroyed your body and took you away from me. We survived so much together, even war, yet a small piece of ice took you off this world and out of my arms.

I can see the cracks in the melting ice. Spring is around the corner. Your favorite season my love. 

As the falling stars gently land on me. I take a tentative step onto the slowly melting ice.

I tried my love to move on. But the kids are grown and the house is dark and quiet. But my mind is loud and filled with your mystical eyes and ethereal hands, clasping mine and whispering words. The same words over and over like the melody of regret.

”Don’t let go”. 

I prey my fate is like the falling stars now. To die alone in the cold and empty dark. Then to hopefully have you pulling me back to your eyes that sing the songs of stars. To your voice whispering. 

 “Don’t let go”. 

Another tentatively step and the ice starts to cracks slowly. I’m coming my love. This time, I will never let go.

The End