19 comments

Sad Fiction Coming of Age

 

"Stefan. How could you do this to me?"

 

Her eyes are fish bowls filled with dank seaweed. He raises one eyebrow and wipes his face with both hands.

 

"Mum. Listen to me. You haven't demonstrated an iota of regret."

 

"How could you!? I raised you without a dad!"

 

"And therefore..."

 

"Hugh's been trying to get you to come back for nearly 40 years. Let me at least meet my granddaughter! This is cruelty!"

 

Is there a tear in her eye? More shocking things have happened. Like the time he figured out how to survive in Minecraft for longer than ten minutes.

 

"You will not lay eyes on Izzy until you're willing to at least admit your wrongdoings. It's quite simple, actually. My brother is a criminal. Please don't insult my intelligence. I'd rather be hunted down by the FBI under your orders."

 

Her expression remains an exasperating ratio of too much consternation and too little betrayal of reasonableness. Not a sliver of guilt to be seen! Innocent me, what have I ever done. I wouldn't hurt a fly's baby! He smirks inwardly.

 

What a waste of a morning. There are one hundred fifty people waiting for the podcast to start. Two hours behind schedule. Not to mention that the food at this place is overpriced.

 

"Forgiveness is earned, not bought with some omelet at an overcrowded café. Let's remember, shall we? You beat me almost to death multiple times. If I hadn't left when I did, Lord knows what would have happened to me. I'd probably be dead. I have to say, death was often a better option being raised by a mother like you. I mean, consider that whenever an authority figure showed up - say, even the garbage man - you'd suddenly transform into the perfect mother! Just like that, the flick of a switch!"

 

He snaps his fingers and laughs despite himself.

 

"Would you claim to have no free will? Now you see what we have on our hands here. The egg is on your face. Literally and figuratively, Mum."

 

She self-consciously wipes her face with a napkin. It's too easy, far too easy, to vex this woman. Does she think it strange that he doesn't find it hard to look at her with the memories of a childhood on horrifying tenterhooks coughing up dust in the space between them? There's no suggestion of pain or anger on his face. The success of his rebuilt life lends no room for that; he knows he's genuinely moved on.

Whether her remorseless heart admires that is anyone's guess.

 

He glances at his watch.

 

"You'll never have to experience not meeting your grandchild," she glares.

 

"That's not an argument. But you are right. I will follow basic principles of universally preferable behaviour and not risk losing out on a relationship with my grandchildren."

 

"Your dad is very angry with you. Your behaviour is appalling."

 

She clenches her age-spotted hands. Will she hit him? Brilliant as she is, the train was always too fast for the rails.

 

"Sure. You haven't seen the man for decades. All he's angry over are the archaeological findings that contradict his work."

 

Her mouth opens and closes. Gotcha.

 

***

 

Somewhere in Nepal, the podcast cracks on.

 

"So, rational-minded people of the world, we must harness our free will to fight back. That's right, fight back, against the nihilistic religion of immoralism that threatens to overtake all. Everything! Everything we hold to be true and dear!"

 

"Next call from Bill Lewis of San Francisco."

 

"Thank you for having me on. I, uh, I admire your philosophy. I was wondering if, um, I'd like to ask if it's a good idea to forgive people. To get rid of the grudge, you know, the whole letting-them-live-rent-free-in-your-head idea."

 

"So, an important question. And no, forgiveness is something that you should be approaching rationally. One is not responsible to forgive the most ungodly of crimes, you understand. Murder, theft, assault, child abuse," he ticks off on his fingers.

 

But, you can still let go of past pain without letting evil people off for no reason, right? I won't forgive someone who doesn't bother asking for forgiveness or pretends nothing ever happened. I won't live in a lie. That makes no sense, right. Makes no sense."

 

He squints and looks up at his screen.

 

"Thanks."

 

"Speak to a therapist, if you can. I spent years in talk therapy. It did wonders for me. Next."

 

***

 

"Stef. I can't take this anymore."

 

"Neither can I. Goodbye, Mum. Thanks for brunch. And no, I don't forgive you."

 

She turns her face away in deranged fury. Her beauty faded and the arc of her youthful days declined, all that remains is an embittered soul. Serves her right, he muses.

 

Out the door and into the beautiful world. Half an hour later, and the audio is adjusted just right. Another day of philosophy. Another day of peace.

 

"Hello, my friends. Today I would like to read you a poem I wrote for my friend's father's funeral. It was, oh, thirty years ago? As you know, my own relationship with my father was akin to burnt toast. But, I was heavily invested back then in poetry and theatre, the pangs of the human heart, and so on. You should know how to analyze poetry. It is an art form for the expression of all that is meaningful, that's right, all that is meaningful about this life!"

 

The analysis makes him smile. The show hasn't been this inspirational for a while. People should be receptive to this one. Good thing he happened to pluck these pages off his shelf last night.

 

"Now, the poem ends with a note to the mortality, the mortality of who we are. We die, and that's it. Our dreams are stardust, we're rotting in the grave. I look up to the sky, there is no father - by father, I mean a God, to greet me. All we leave behind is our children and the values we've transmitted to them."

 

 

"Okay, we're ready for the call-in show."

 

***

 

In a bed in Cape Town, the man of eighty-four years closes his eyes for the last time. The last picture in his mind is not of the dirt. Mounds of dirt he's stared at throughout his lifetime. Not the dirt of the excavations to unearth the mysteries of the past. Dealing with the faceless past of History was far easier than ever dealing with his own. Not the dirt of the grave he's envisioned since the cancer ravaged his body. No, it's the picture of the boy. Hanging on the wall across from him is the Stef of twenty-something who is now...well, who knows? Would he come to bury his father? He doesn't deserve that, he knows full well. Perhaps on his final trip to the dust he'll encounter the remains of his life.

 

"God, let him know I'm gone."

 

***

 

The hour flies by. He scrolls through the last comments, chuckling at the viewers' remarks.

 

Suddenly, it hits him. It quivers his fifty-four-year-old heart.

 

No God, no forgiveness, no reality. Rationality from nowhere...ethics drawn from a Mind that cannot be his own...this makes absolutely no sense.

 

But alas, the podcast must go on.

 

Sorry, Mum. Forgiveness may have to be earned, but atheism never asked for much. It only asks to be maintained.

 

But if there's no God, universally preferable behaviour turns to feathers in the wind.

 

And morality?

 

Well, he pauses, it must naturally become a sort of empty pillow within which to stuff whatever philosophical whim flies our way.

 

Oh well. Can't change now, can we? The grave awaits.

At least Mum and Dad won't be interred nearby.

 

 

January 29, 2021 21:24

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19 comments

Paula Dennison
16:29 Feb 07, 2021

I liked your story very much Your story really portrayed the angst between its characters. You denoted the ironic sarcasm in the son's attitude very well. It was a little confusing at the end about how atheism worked into the mix. I think your metaphors right before the end could been fleshed out more. Overall, I look forward to reading more of your stories.

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Lemon Lime
17:09 Feb 07, 2021

Thanks Paula! He discovers at the end that his atheism is wrong. His secular ethics that have kept him from forgiveness fall away. But he's been using them for so long to avoid the pain of his childhood that he refuses to change. As long as he won't be buried near his parents & can face a G-dless afterlife, he is fine with continuing his life's philosophy...

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Zach Knight
04:59 Feb 04, 2021

who's this legendary writer

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Tessa Takzikab
00:06 Apr 01, 2021

I already said how great your writing is, and it holds true here as well. There are a few places where the tense gets confused, but based on Steffan's beliefs, present tense is definitely a great way to tell the story. :)

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16:26 Mar 09, 2021

This story is miraculous, the part where the character reforms but yet can't reform is beautifully written. You are a great writer =) Happy today

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Izzie Q.
13:53 Feb 22, 2021

Hi! I love the formatttinggggg sooooo much! This is really cool and the concept had me hooked! Thanks for liking my stories!!

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Lemon Lime
05:06 Mar 14, 2021

I hope you read my feedback as well. You're quite the inventive writer, I especially liked 'Bunker.'

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Michael Boquet
14:16 Feb 09, 2021

Interesting story. Maybe this is just me reading into the story too closely, but I like that your main character uses big words. Almost in an attempt to elevate him from his past, and make himself seem/feel smarter (and in turn more confident) than he really is. I found the ending confusing. The tone / theme suddenly shifts and then it's just over. I also found the different locations confusing. First he's in a diner somewhere, but then Nepal, but also the dad's in Cape Town? It just seemed disjointed. Overall though, good story. Definite...

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Lemon Lime
17:23 Feb 09, 2021

Thanks for the feedback, Michael! Sorry for the confusion...Nepal is just one of the places where his podcast is playing to a listener.

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Daniel R. Hayes
17:26 Jan 31, 2021

This was a great story. I thought you did a wonderful job writing it. I look forward to reading more from you.

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Emma Bates
06:23 Mar 15, 2021

Wow! This is actually so good! I love it, this is absolutely brilliant.

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14:56 Mar 03, 2021

This was so well done. You are very talented.

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Amel Parvez
14:46 Feb 23, 2021

Brilliant! i really loved this story! great job:)

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Sam Reeves
13:08 Feb 18, 2021

Great story, loved the switches between main character/listener/father. I think they worked well and added to the story The complexity of the language used was quite refreshing too, said a lot about the main character, I felt. Good job!

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Zoe Knight
15:13 Feb 10, 2021

I don't really get what is the message on atheism here, but as far as morality goes there are studies that basically prove that morality develops independently of religion. Children hit certain moral milestones regardless of the faith they're brought up in, or lack of thereof. If anybody is interested I recommend "Parenting beyond belief" by Dale McGowan.

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Blane Britt
09:48 Feb 08, 2021

Great story.

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Tia Jackson
05:01 Jan 31, 2021

Wow... this was spectacular. Actually it was way better than that I just can’t think of a more appropriate adjective. From the moment it started to the last line it was captivating. Congrats

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Unknown User
03:19 Feb 09, 2021

<removed by user>

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Lemon Lime
03:29 Feb 09, 2021

Thank you! I've made the edits. 'Betrayal' as in divulging I feel the title is enough to recall the name

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