“I can only assume he was born a bad kid”

Incident at Stonewall Jackson Elementary School Causes Uproar

DOWNTOWN (January 6, 2024)

Miles Thompson, age 7, was found today in the most compromising of positions. Specifically, he was pooping in the library of Stonewall Jackson Elementary School, which is about to have its own reckoning on account of the school board’s recent vote to change its name. 

Little Mr. Thompson, a small child who is known about town for his rosy red, apple cheeks (reported to be the clinical Rosacea) and mischievous grin, is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Steven Thompson, the former whom you’ll recognize as owner and proprietor of the Fat Cat Coffee Shop on Main. His wife, only known to this paper as Mrs. Steven Thompson, could not be reached for comment. [Editor’s note: This paper tried but could not confirm the first name of Mrs. Steven Thompson, but is assured that she is alive and well, albeit mortified by her little Miles. If we figure out her name, we’ll issue a correction].

Witnesses, who cannot be named because they are minors, were considerably distracted at the lunchroom this afternoon. Some seemed enraged by the news, while others were seen raising their fists in celebration. An eyewitness who stated that she was in the library at the time of the event described the scene as “Unfortunate, but cool.” Another eyewitness wondered aloud whether this could result in a cancellation of classes, on account of “the rug.”

When reached for comment, Principal Elliott Sanchez was as stoic as he was perplexed. 

“I cannot fathom why any student of ours would defecate in the library, but I can assure the community that this is not the SJES way,” Principal Sanchez commented. “I am told by our librarian, who is anything but a gossip – as you can imagine, she’s actually very quiet – that the perpetrator soiled himself in the History wing of the library - one recently donated by our esteemed community leader, Mr. Hemingway Hayes (full disclosure: Mr. Hayes owns this newspaper). We’ll get to the bottom of this, and we apologize to Mr. Hayes, and anyone else who the PTA cares about, for the inconvenience.”

Mr. Hayes, who is currently serving prison time for allegedly attempting to overthrow the government on January 6, 2021, could not be reached for comment. His lawyer, Silas Smith of Smith, Smith and Smithmore, a local family law practice who made an exception for Mr. Hayes, issued the following statement through the firm’s attorney, Jeff Chang, a maritime lawyer doing them a favor. “We do not condone the actions of the student, and assure you that Mr. Hayes remains committed to Stonewall Jackson and the History section of the library, as well as his ongoing appeal and the future Trump presidency. As for the little culprit, after years of practicing family law, I can only assume he was born a bad kid.”

Plans are underway for a full cleaning of the library rug, as well as an investigation into young Mr. Thompson’s motives and actions. “We are exploring all opportunities to punish Mr. Thompson, including but not limited to holding back his 1st Grade diploma,” said Principal Sanchez. “We also plan to alert our 2nd Grade teachers, who may want to pass on Miles Thompson when it comes to Student of the Week next year.” 

----

Correction (January 8, 2024)

The original article that ran on January 6, 2024, failed to identify the name of Miles Thompson’s mother. She is Delores McGill of the United States Congress, not Mrs. Steven Thompson of the coffee shop. As it turns out, Congresswoman McGill kept her maiden name when she married Mr. Thompson. When reached for comment, she wanted everyone reading to know that, back in 2005, she would not even let her own mother address her wedding invitations in the “Mrs. Male First Name Last Name” format, which she says she finds “sexist and old fashioned.”

Regarding the incident at SJES, Congresswoman McGill was noticeably supportive of her son, without any hint of alarm or attempt at apology. The Congresswoman angrily defended Mr. Thompson, providing a lengthy, emotional explanation that often rambled into irrelevancy, as to why he committed misconduct.

“My son approached me in the weeks leading up to the three-year anniversary of January 6th. He is upset about both the name of our school and the name of its library. I reminded him of the First Amendment and its protection of nonviolent protest. He, in turn, came up with the idea to relieve himself on the floor of the History section donated by Mr. Hayes, a known Fascist who is currently serving time for attacking the U.S. Capitol. I’m very proud of my son, and I hope that more students will use their voices and even their bodies to speak truth to power. Also, I call on Principal Sanchez to organize another meeting about alternative names for SJES, since our last community assembly was overtaken by gun evangelists who want our teachers to carry weapons in the classroom. These actions, not my son’s, should be cause for alarm.”

Congresswoman McGill added, “I question why everyone is so upset with a nonviolent protest, when the same people, our so-called educators, don’t mind celebrating Stonewall Jackson on school t-shirts and Hemingway Hayes on the school’s library door.”

This is a developing story. Updates to follow.

----

Correction (January 9, 2024) 

Yesterday’s correction regarding the original article that ran on January 6, 2024, implied through the use of an adverb that Congresswoman McGill was angry, when there was no evidence of the sort. The use of the word “ramble” was also uncalled for and, frankly, too suggestive for the lexicon of journalism. The Congresswoman was speaking directly about issues affecting students, including her son. Some of these issues are serious in nature (e.g., racism, gun violence), and a serious tone was understandable and warranted.  

We regret the error, and we plan to offer mandatory training for our staff so we do better in the future. (Full disclosure: the Hayes Foundation, of which Hemingway Hayes is the CEO, has generously offered to run the training).