dear diary

January 29

Dear Diary,

February 1^st will be my first day of the 30-Day Couch-to-Stunning Workout Challenge. I have two more days to eat anything I want before I knuckle down to the green stuff. So, I spent the day at Lulu Lemon in the Athletica section picking out several new workout outfits to motivate myself to get up before dawn and sweat. Ironically, they don’t have much in the way of plus size workout clothes. You would think they would encourage the women with hips to get to the gym. It’s usually only the tiny people you see at the gym. I get the feeling that they aren’t all recovering round people. I wish they had a gym for the squishy or formerly squishy. They could call it The Barn Door. I’m super excited about feeling better and I’m sure what I save in fast food will more than cover the cost of my new yoga pants with the super cute see-through panel on the side!

January 30

Dear Diary,

February first is coming. Only two more days. And I’m getting nervous. Downright scared, actually. I’m going to miss Mangia, the guy at the counter at Dunkin’ Donuts. He has my order memorized and he’s so cute. He unlocks the door in the morning and holds it open for me when I arrive. I can’t wander in there and just say hello without coming out with something. I’ll miss you little pillows of deep-fried joy with frosting. And my kind friend who named a new flavor-of-the-month after me.

January 31

Dear Diary,

It’s my last day of food freedom. The last day required McDonalds for breakfast. Because the bacon, egg and cheese biscuit is sunshine wrapped goodness with a hash brown chaser. I stood at the refrigerator and threw out all of the offending foods. The only thing left is lemon juice and who knows how old that is? I threw out the Doritos… (in my mouth) …. and went to the store. I got absolutely lost in the produce section, but I throw no less than ten items in my cart. I make sure to get almond milk. I’m not sure why but it seems like the healthy option. I found an eighteen-grain bread that was almost as brown as chocolate – that is a good sign. I think I’m ready to begin. Ready or not, tomorrow is Day 1. I put my 1-gallon HydroBuddy in the fridge so that I am prepped for dawn. I can barely lift the bottle. Luckily, all the pre-packaged foods are gone so there’s plenty of room in there.

February 1

Dear Diary,

When my alarm went off at 4:30 a.m., I thought the house was on fire. I would throw water on it from my HydroBuddy, but I don’t think I could get it high enough in the air. Why would anyone get up at this ungodly hour? It’s so dark outside that I’m afraid I’ll get mugged in the bathroom especially in my $142 Lulu Lemon workout outfit.

I found a beginner’s workout on You-Tube and made it through the first 8 minutes. There was sweat and swearing. And so many things jiggling on me that I imagine the neighbors think there has been a 7.2 earthquake. I wanted to smack the perky workout leader, but it would hurt too much to lift my arm.

I forced my pain-filled legs into the kitchen. There was no food in there! The chunky me wished I had gotten a couple of food alternatives to ease into the first couple of days. How bad can a frozen breakfast burrito be? I’m sure there are some veggies in there. And eggs are good for you. I toasted some eighty-two-grain cardboard and had a glass of almond milk. I imagine when the true hunger has set in in a few days, this stuff will taste amazing.

My arm is starting to twitch. Is that normal?

I want to go back to sleep but I have to get to the office. I cry washing my hair.

I put a frozen chicken breast in a Rubbermaid for lunch.

I come home from work and fall asleep at 5:16 p.m. Only drank half my gallon jug of water. Woke up 42 times to pee.

February 2

Dear Diary,

Who set that infernal alarm? Dropped an eight-pound weight on my toe. I went for nine minutes on the YouTube workout so that I can say I did better than yesterday. I was two bites into a banana before I realized I hadn’t removed the peel. I think all of my organs are floating but I made it three quarters of the way through my one-gallon jug.

February 3

Dear Diary,

Just shut up. Okay? Just shut up. Did the thing. Only ate fruit. I hate goals.

February 4

Dear Diary,

Laughed hysterically when the alarm went off like a mad woman. Couldn’t raise my arm to brush my teeth. Made up a lie at the office about a kidney infection to explain why I was sucking down water like I was lost in the desert and had to go the bathroom sixty-four times in an 8-hour shift. Silver lining – because the bathroom is so far from my desk, I had over 6,000 steps by quittin’ time. Fell asleep on the couch watching Biggest Loser for moral support.

February 5

Dear Diary,

Literally fell asleep mid-sentence while typing an e-mail at work. Bought a salad in the cafeteria at lunch. I licked the ranch dressing container until it was bone dry. I saved the three croutons until the end because it’s the closest I’ve been to bread in almost a week! I found a can of soda that I’d missed in the pantry. It was like striking oil. I held it up like the golden head in Indiana Jones. I’m hoarding it like a cat. I almost buried it in the back yard for safe keeping.

February 6

Dear Diary,

Someone hit my alarm clock with a hammer when it went off at 4:30 a.m. Mental note – buy a new alarm clock today at Walmart. Hide the hammer. Stopped at Dunkin Donuts on the way to work and pressed my face up against the glass. Mangia opened the door for me. I stifled a sob and ran for my car. I didn’t know that I was going to start running today.

February 7

Dear Diary,

Low point. I stole a tootsie roll from a kid at the bus stop. So much shame. Crime tastes good.

February 8

Dear Diary,

I think my socks are looser. This is working!

February 9

Dear Diary,

Totally geeked out – I found a website that has ninety-nine ways to prep chicken in under twenty minutes for 300 calories or less. Who knew that would be the highlight of my week? My life is so sad. Still excited about the website. Is it possible that my urine is orange because of all the carrot sticks?

February 10

Dear Diary,

This kale tastes like I want to be fat.

February 11

Dear Diary,

That lady on Instagram that says this recipe tastes like brownie:

Ripe bananas

Peanut butter

Cocoa powder

IS LYING! Even with the dark chocolate chips on top.

February 12

Dear Diary,

My work out trampoline arrived today! It was tons of fun. Although jumping on a trampoline feels much riskier over forty.

I’m so hungry that it feels like my belly button might fall out of my backside.

I might have thrown my scale out of the bathroom window and scared the neighbor’s dog.

February 13

Dear Diary,

Do you know what a portion size of almonds is? The answer is 23 almonds. The answer is also not enough to make this non-sweetened yogurt taste good.

February 14

Dear Diary,

I was so consumed with my thirty-day challenge that I did not realize Valentine’s Day was coming until every married chick in the office received flowers.

I was not emotionally prepared for this blow. I am without chocolate, without flowers and without boyfriend.

I am not crying. You are crying.

February 15

Dear Diary,

There was a headline this morning that someone’s Valentine’s Day dinner caught their apartment on fire.

I only thought it was a little bit funny.

They should have had a HydroBuddy handy.

p.s. I can now carry one in each hand without getting winded.

February 16

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning before my alarm went off.

I did 32 minutes of the workout video and didn’t want to slap someone. Discovered low-cal sweet potato fries. I am in heaven.

February 17

Dear Diary,

Fritter Friday at the office or what I call Temptation Island. They don’t give the skinny chicks grief for not eating one. Hardest day yet. Didn’t eat the fritter. Wanted to.

February 18

Dear Diary,

Bought a new scale. I’m down 6.1 pounds. I didn’t throw this one out the window. Yet.

February 19

Dear Diary,

I decided to go in the Whole Foods store. I felt like a chubby criminal who mistook the city office building for a bank. The incredibly angry associate behind the counter asked if I was lost. I think she must be hungry too.

I wandered around with a sort of determined browse and picked up an avocado. I didn’t want to leave without buying something to prove I had a reason for coming in.

It was $18.

February 20

Dear Diary,

I might have accidentally and without pre-meditation eaten McDonalds for dinner. I’m McShamed of myself.

February 21

Dear Diary,

I actually craved a vegetable today. I may need to get checked for something. This has never happened before, and I am concerned.

February 22

Dear Diary,

I ran into Mangia today in the produce section of the store. It took me a minute to place him without his brown DD hat on. He said he hadn’t seen me in a while. I blushed and dropped my head. He told me he missed seeing my smile in the morning because I was his favorite patron. And I always had something funny to say.

He asked me if I wanted to go to dinner sometime. He smiled and his dark eyes lit up.

I said yes.

February 23

Dear Diary,

I didn’t honestly know if I would make it this far. Just over three weeks. Less than a week to go. And a weak to let go.

February 24

Dear Diary,

They lied. It’s not like riding a bike. You don’t remember. Riding a bike as an adult is much harder than riding a bike when you are a kid.

And that helmet is not a fashion statement.

But the Lulu outfit rocked it hard today.

February 25

Dear Diary,

I said No to the donut because I wanted to. Today I won.

February 26

Dear Diary,

How did she talk me into this? I signed up for a 5k with my sister. I have asked for the ambulance to be on hand just in case I die. They said they could just follow behind me on the street. I know a guy.

February 27

Dear Diary,

What do you wear on a date with your former donut dispenser? Asking for a friend.

He held my hand. He makes me laugh.

February 28

Dear Diary,

I can cross my legs again.

February 29

Dear Diary,

I don’t think I’ll stop at 30 days. Wish me luck. See you tomorrow.