Unexpected Love

“I can’t accept these. I don’t know you”

Those were the words I heard the day I confessed to my crush.

2 April 2017

Dear Diary Journal, 

It’s me, Akito. I haven’t really written in you since there wasn’t actually anything to write about. I go to school, attend archery class, come home, do my homework and sleep by 10. Nothing really extraordinary about my life, really. Therefore, you might be wondering what’s the special occasion that drove me to pick you up for the first time. Well, today is the Hanami Festival.

The viewing of cherry blossoms is a popular, annual event that happens in Tokyo. After my father passed away last year, I wasn’t planning on attending this year’s. Seeing as I’m not very open about my feelings, Mother bought you thinking it might help in the grieving process. I always thought that my father left us for a reason and that Mother would feel better if I came into terms with his death sooner. However, according to her, accepting death is commonly misunderstood as bottling up my grief, which was unhealthy.

Anyway, the reason I went to the festival, was simply because my friends called me out as they wanted to be by my side during this depressing time of my life. It would seem that everyone thought I was keeping my sadness to myself. My friends were sweet...and dense but they meant well so I decided to follow through with their plans. 

At 7pm, we arrived at Harajuku Station and walked to Yoyogi Park. Splitting our group into 5, each group went in search of food and a nice place for the viewing. As for me, I wasn’t really in the mood to be in crowded places so I made up an excuse and ditched them. I definitely was going to meet up with them later, but I got lost and it was almost time for the viewing. Eventually, I picked a nice, secluded spot for myself behind a stall selling ramen to witness the Sakura flowers myself. As the lanterns turned on for the viewing, I noticed a girl sitting beside me on the bench alone, wearing a traditional yukata. The lantern light might have possibly exaggerated her looks, as she was incredibly beautiful, with rose-colored cheeks, which I assume was emphasized by the glowing pink cherry blossoms. She was young and had her dark hair done up into a bun. I did not want to seem as a pervert, so I could only extract as much facial information from a few glances. 

At one moment, we made eye contact and she giggled, saying that she could tell that I was stealing glances of her and thought it would be better to make an introduction. Her name was Sakura and she was in high school, an all-girls high school and that she had come to the viewing with her sister and her friends. We both agreed to watch the cherry blossoms together, seeing as the viewing had already begun. “Why were you sitting here?’, I asked.

“Yeah, you might not remember me. We met a few years ago. We do know each other, believe it or not”, I said, the flowers resting in my hand beside me.

“No, we don’t. I have never met you in my entire life. I have to get to class. I’m sorry”

“My sister had dragged me around for what seemed like forever so I decided to sneak away from her and hide here”, she said. We both looked at the Sakura flowers in full bloom under the lights of the lantern. It was preferable to view the cherry blossoms at night as the flowers will be illuminated by the lanterns and sparkle, forming a trail of pinkish light on the trees. Admiring the cherry blossoms away from the gathering of people, I always felt better to watch it alone like this than with everyone together. You can actually appreciate them more by yourself. It really gives a sad feeling in your heart, I thought. At that moment, a tear fell from my eyes. I missed my father so much. He would’ve loved to sit here with me. Never-ending tears trickled down my cheeks like a stream. I looked straight ahead as I allowed the droplets to flow when I remembered that the girl was still sitting beside me. I apologized for the scene and proceeded to wipe away the excess tears on my face.

She shook her head in response indicating that it was alright. Slightly embarrassed, I explained that my father had recently passed away and the Sakura flowers reminded me of that grief. She looked at me with sorrowful eyes. “Go on”, she gestured for me to continue talking about my father. 

I spoke about how my father and I used to come here every year, to this same spot, behind this ramen stall as it was far enough from the crowd so that we can look at the cherry blossoms more passionately, without the murmurs and whispers of people. We would sit here for hours, catching up and teasing Mother, just the simple things that were memorable. To add to it, every year my father would tell me the same story of how he and Mother met. Apparently, my mother was hiding from a guy who had a crush on her. She overheard him inform a group of friends of his plan to propose his love to her in front of everyone during the Hanami Festival immediately after the lights turned on. Most people tend to propose during Yozakura, the night Sakura, as it was a romantic event. So, she found this stall and hid at the back of it. Since it was dark, it was difficult to make out anything let alone another person that was already there which happened to be my father. As the lights flickered on, they were both staring into each other’s eyes, shocked. 

My father loved telling me that story as it was his loving way of making fun of my mother. To him, the joke was that as my mother was trying to run away from the love she didn’t want, she found herself a love that was unexpected. Ever since that day, they would attend the Hanami Festival as a date and watch the cherry blossoms from the exact same spot. It became a tradition in the family, soon after. Then, Mother started working overtime and she insisted I accompany my father to the festival and it became our thing. 

“Now, it’s like our thing,” Sakura interrupted, smiling.

“You made a promise to me, Sakura. You said we would meet up at the festival but you never showed up”

She stopped in her tracks and turned around. “Sakura?”

She meant that our encounter somehow seemed like it was predestined or something cheesy like that. I liked to think of it that way, too. I mean, I wouldn’t mind having her as a girlfriend. She was beautiful, not to mention, how polite and graceful she was in her mannerisms. Elegant, as well and she appeared to be very empathetic. Also, she was the first girl who saw me practically sobbing my eyes out and was calm and understanding about it. She made it easy to talk about my father, something most people failed to do.

“Do you visit your father often?” , she said, filling the silence between us. I sighed, reluctant to give an answer and she didn’t urge me to. Instead, she talked about her family. Her parents were busy with work and rarely took time off for festivals. They were quite poor. Her sister insisted she take a day off from her part-time job to enjoy her youth. Having said that, consistently walking to every stall and buying food in very tight clothing and heels were far from entertaining. “Although, it’s not so bad now”, she smirked. We kept the conversation going for a half an hour until I realized it was getting late. Hesitantly, I informed her that I had to get back to my friends and that she should contact her sister. “No”, she responded with a slightly exaggerated tone. I understood that she did not like the idea of spending the rest of the night with her seemingly care-free sister and I, too was very against leaving her alone in this place.

We sat for a few hours, casually talking, occasionally looking up to watch the cherry blossoms quietly, then picking up where we left off. Our little conversation was cut short by the sound of her ringing cell phone. She said she had to leave. Fortunately, before she left, she promised to meet up again on the same day, at this same spot next year, since we didn’t have time to exchange phone numbers. I found my friends, sometime afterwards and we decided to head back early since we had school the next morning. 

“She died...”

I stared at her blankly. My soul felt as if it was leaving my body. I prayed that the next question that came out of my mouth would prompt a negative response.

“Who? Sakura?”

“Yeah, on 2 April 2017”

“How did she-? But you’re here? Are you playing a joke on me?”

“I’m Ume, Sakura’s twin. She died in a car accident during the cherry blossom festival. A car hit- … the eye witnesses said she got hit by a car. Some saw her running towards the street and tripped on the road” 

Tears welled up in my eyes. 

“How are you familiar with her?”

“We met on the day of the festival”

“Oh,...I’m sorry you had to hear about it this way”

The flowers fell from my hands and onto the ground.

3 April 2020

Dear Journal,

I met her today. Sakura. She attended the college orientation. I can’t believe she is going to the same college as me. I met her years ago at the Hanami Festival, we talked for what seemed like forever even though it was just a few hours. She left so abruptly, but she did promise to meet next year at the festival. 

Unfortunately, she did not fulfill that promise. For three years, I have been waiting at the ramen stall for her. She did not show up. I sat there alone, in the dark every year, from the time the lanterns turned on, till everyone went home. Each year, I would cry at the thought of her never coming, just like my father who never came home the day he died. I tried to be optimistic about the situation, going back and forth with my thoughts, suggesting that she might have forgotten about it and one day, she will remember and come to see me. A pathetic belief, I know, but what do I have to lose? Depressed emotions were filling my heart each time I went there, however the mere thought of seeing her one day gave me hope. Is this what having a crush feels like? It’s heart wrenching and exciting at the same time. Eager to see her and miserable when I don’t. 

That is why, I didn’t want to lose her again and followed her around the campus that day, not letting her leave my sight even for a moment. My friends, although puzzled by my sudden enthusiasm to take a tour around the college, followed alongside me without hesitation. I had to see her face clearly in order to figure out if she really was Sakura or was my mind playing tricks on me. It could have. I could not stop thinking about her since the Hanami Festival a few years back. Now, she just turns up out of nowhere. 

She turned around. Stunningly, her face resembled Sakura’s so much. Without another doubt, I decided to confront her and tell her how I feel in hope that she will remember me. Walking back from college, I started preparing for my big confession. Chocolates? No. Too Valentine’s-y. Flowers? Yes. Bouquet? No. I want a simple confession, not a memorial-like meeting. It might signify the death of my feelings if she rejects me. Three or four flowers would be good. I could take some cherry blossoms that fell to the ground and, since yesterday was the Hanami Festival, the flowers will be in full bloom. Perfect. The universe is aligning for me. I cannot mess up what has been...predestined. Also, there was something else I needed to buy.

I placed the journal on her grave, alongside a hairpin in the shape of a cherry blossom. 

“I meant to give this hairpin to you, on the day I wanted to propose”

I turned to the grave next to hers and knelt down. “This is for you, Dad”, I said as I laid down a few flowers on him.

“Thank you for accompanying me today, Akito. My sister would’ve really appreciated it”

“You too, Ume, for allowing me to accompany you. I got to finally visit my Dad after all this time”

We stood there for a moment. The wind brushed through our hair as we prayed for each of our losses. 

“Please take care of each other”, I whispered as I looked to the sky, wishing that my prayer had reached the both of them. “I wrote a special note in the journal for you, Sakura”.

15 April 2020

Dear Sakura,

Thank you for coming into my life, even if our encounter together was brief. You were the happiest and saddest memory I would have to live with until the day I leave this Earth. I came to you each year, expecting to be closer to you, unaware that you were already so far away from me. 

You appeared in front of me when I was at my lowest point in life, when I would never see my father again. I thought I could mask it well but every night I would bawl out in memory of him. And now that I have lost you too, it just hurts so bad. 

That night when I first met you. You looked so radiant and I knew that I wanted to be with you. I am sorry if I appeared awkward, but I assure you I really wanted to talk to you more. Each year, waiting for you on the 2nd of April has been a thrill for me. I had enjoyed that little time we spent together. I would never forget it.

This journal is specifically for you, Sakura. A memento, you might call it. Initially, I kept it, to always remember you but I know that I could never forget you. I’m giving it to you so you can read it on your journey. You will be in my prayers and always by my side, sitting on the bench at the ramen stall, watching the flowers. Goodbye, Sakura.

P.S. YOU WERE MY UNEXPECTED LOVE.