Finding the Light

Depression is like a black hole; it sucks in everything and leaves her in the dark. She sits there in this place that she can’t escape from, the gravity is too heavy to fight. Sometimes the bought will last for a few weeks, sometimes a few months. There is not a timeline for her to plan for, other than she must keep pushing through. That’s what her friends will say. That’s what the doctors will say. That’s what society will say. It’s very comparable to winter in the Midwest. Will she get a day of sunshine here or there? Yes, but ultimately, it’s back to the cold, snowy filled days where she is stuck. The sunshine is a tease for what could be if she could only escape the gravity.

So, it is on those few sunshiny teaser days where the hope can creep back in. The promise that this is not a permanent place to be. That all the pushing forward can be worth it if she could just shake the hold of this darkness.

This last round was brutal. It was snowstorm, after freezing rain, after dark gloomy day. On repeat for several months. Going through the motions, waiting patiently for spring to arrive. To smell the fresh air, feel the sun on her face, and to hear the birds chirping once again. It was time to up the game as the weather around was becoming all too consuming.

A friend suggested signing up for a race. She had never completed a triathlon before, so what could it hurt? She found a sprint distance that was about two months away and downloaded a training guide to help her get there. The first run was deplorable, mostly more walking than running. The first swim, she didn’t drown. The first bike, she was sure there were neighborhood kids that had passed her twice on the loop she was trying to ride. “There is no way I can do this.” She thought to herself.

Her body hurt, and her mind was still dark as she persistently completed each daily task. The training was a place for her to spin in her head, while her body was in motion. About the third week into this routine, she actually completed a mile run without stopping. It was like a break in the clouds as she realized “Maybe I can do this.” It was enough light to keep her training plan on schedule.

The days were beginning to go a little faster and she was beginning to look forward to the training. This was something new, as she had not looked forward to anything in a very long time. The snow turned into rain, and the temperature was warming ever so slightly as she continued to push.

The focus on anything outside of her head was allowing the grip of the darkness to loosen as each step she took, each stroke she swam, and each turn of the pedals was continuing to chisel away at its strength. She felt stronger than she had in a very long time.

The day of the race was coming up quickly, and there were many doubts racing through her head as she began to look at previous race times. “I don’t think I will be able to finish this race in the allotted time.” She thought. But unlike before, like a bird chirping through the window “It’s not about the time, it’s about finishing.”

She went to the packet pickup with a ton of anxiety and trepidation. There were very toned and fit people walking in and out of the building, with what looked like expensive gear. “These people know what they are doing.” She thought as she creeped through the door, almost hoping that no one would see her.

She stepped up to the table and gave her name. The man turned to the table behind him and retrieved her packet. “Is this your first race?” he asked.

“Yes, is it that obvious?” she replied.

“There are twenty other first timers signed up today. You are part of a big group! Just remember to have some fun.” He said warmly.

“Have fun?” she thought. “This was supposed to be fun?”

She headed towards the transition points to set up her gear and prepare for the race. There were hundreds of people all around doing the same. She put on her swim cap and goggles and headed towards the pool to prepare for the swim start.

“Good luck.” People were saying to complete strangers. The vibes of this morning made it feel like the rain clouds were parting. The flicker of sun was coming through.

An older man with a microphone came out to talk about what this race meant to the community and how this was the biggest turnout they had ever had. He also talked about how there were over twenty first timers in this race and that he expected all the veterans to look out for the newbies.

“Welcome to your new addiction” he called out through the microphone. There was laughter throughout the crowd.

“On your mark… get set… gunshot” And groups of people jumped into the pool.

She began the swim with her normal plan, breathing every third stroke. And then she felt a blinding light as she choked on the water. She looked up and realized she had just been kicked in the face by the person swimming in front of her. A quick nose check and no blood. “Just keep swimming.” The last lap she had to adjust to the breaststroke because she kept coming dangerously close to the feet in front of her.

She pulled herself out of the pool and was slightly disoriented. There were several people ushering her to the bike transition. She began a slow jog and was peeling off her swimming gear as she thought “I am actually doing this! Only two more rounds.”

She hopped on the bike and began to pedal, following the folks that had beat her out of the pool. The first three miles were pretty flat, and the wind on her face was refreshing. She hit the hills and began to panic. This was much steeper than she had trained for, and her legs were burning. She made it ¾ of the way up and decided she could walk the bike faster.

“What the hell did I get myself into?” she thought. She was feeling a little discouraged at the fact that she couldn’t ride all the way up.

“Don’t give up.” Someone yelled as they sped past.

“You’re almost to the top” Another one said.

“I’m glad I’m not the only one!” A voice from behind her came. There was another newbie walking her bike as well.

“We got this.” She said back to her.

“Wait, what did I just say?” she thought as she crested the top of the hill.

As she jumped back on the bike and headed down what she was convinced a mountain, the speed of the bike and the wind in her face were more exhilarating than she expected. Tears began to stream down her face as she zipped through and around people going down the hill.

She made it to the next transition and swapped out her biking items for running. A quick drink of water and she was off to complete the final leg of the race.

This was tough as her legs were screaming from the thirteen-mile bike ride she just completed. But she looked around and saw that she wasn’t dead last on this course. And there were more, “you are doing great,” and, “you are almost done,” comments thrown at her by complete strangers.

The last quarter mile of the run was around a track at a high school. Her husband and two sons were standing there waiting for her to finish. When she entered the stadium to finish the last quarter mile, her youngest son said, “Let’s go mom” and he began running with her.

They crossed the line together and as the worker placed the medal around her neck, she began to cry. These tears were not like the tears from the darkness. In fact, on this day, there was no darkness. These tears were relief from the darkness. The light from this accomplishment was there to help keep the darkness away. She was ready to stay in the light, even if it for a season.