Am I an 11 year old ghost, or a 5 month old ghost? I haven't been here long

I've heard stories that my older brother (and only sibling) believed everyone got to go door to door to ask "Trick or Treat" and receive a bounty of various candies...because it was his birthday. He told me that he actually believed it for many, many more years than he cares to admit. Our parents encouraged it. Our parents are very funny - and kids get candy just because it's my brother's birthday.

My name is Dexter, Dex, Duders, The Boy, the name my Ancestors gave me, and more. Although, now I know when I'm being spoken to, even if my name isn't uttered. I died at 11 years old... though everyone said I acted my experience (anywhere from 7 when I got diagnosed, to 77) I experienced my first Halloween, not on your realm in 2018. My brother turned fifteen. I was eleven - or I would be if we kept track of those things here. I was advised to stay out of your realm for at least a year. If I couldn't help myself, if I really wanted to, I could - I'm dead, what are they going to do to me? I absolutely could not let my mother know I was there. I didn't have enough knowledge to get to her - which I suppose is a good thing, as you'll find out later. Every child who is here has the same hard and fast rules. I missed my mama. She had gotten so much better. We had bets to see how long it would be for her to end up in the loony bin - 29 months later she still hadn't. It would have been OK if she did. She did a LOT of therapy, thank goodness. I was slowly dying I was really worried about her. After I died, I heard my father tell her I hated her... He actually said I died hating her. The truth is, I harbored no hatred towards her. Sometimes it hurt when she didn't do cool stuff with me, my brother, and our dad. I love her in a way I can't begin to describe. In fact, I waited to die until she was alone with me. She and I. She brought me that realm, and I needed her to be there when left to come to this realm.

On October 31st, 2018, my best friend, and some of his friends were getting ready to go do something. I couldn't handle not being next to my brother for his birthday. Not only was it his first birthday without me, but it was also my first time as a ghost.  

Turns out I cannot divulge much information about that night, especially from when I was with my brother. I can tell you it felt odd being back there. The same rules that apply to you don't apply to me or my kind. Sometimes I can fly, walk through things, float, pop up in a place I want without doing anything but thinking about it. I loved being around with my brother and his/our friends. It brought so much joy to my soul (which is pretty much all I am) when I saw my brother laugh, smile, a joke. I hurt when he cried because I wasn't with him... he didn't know I was. I couldn't figure out how to make my presence known. I could do things like wave my arms making him feel like the wind was hitting him with 45 psi right in the face! His lips and cheeks were flapping in the wind. We'd taken turns doing that with our parents when we had to fill the tires. It was exceptionally funny. Especially when he tried to make it look like nothing was going on! You should have seen his face! Thankfully it was dark, so no one in his crew could clown him! I loved being with him. It felt right. They couldn't hear me when I spoke in the silent places in their conversations. I had gotten very tired. Another thing that doesn't happen in my realm.

I thought about my mama. All of a sudden I was next to her. I tried really, really hard to get her attention. That whole one year rule was hard on both of us. I hate I couldn't do something, anything, so she knows I wasn't far away.

 She doesn't do well with anything that has to do with me not being there... this whole year has been thick with firsts. I found her lying on the couch, tears rolling down her cheek, dropping off her nose, mixing in with her snot. She was utterly alone. My father was of no comfort - mostly because he lied to her, he broke her every time she made any repairs. He was gone a lot, which was best for everyone who lived in the house.  

I did what no one could or would do. My mama used to hold me as though I was the little spoon. She smells the top of my head, she'd stroke my hair. Knowing she wouldn't feel it, I decided I was not going to let that stop me from trying to console her... and myself. I made myself very long, and it was me that did the holding. She smelled just like her. She felt just like her. I could feel how much her soul, her heart, her essence hurt. My first time as a ghost, I spent hours upon hours holding my mama who had no idea I was there. Even when she fell asleep for about an hour, it was the most restful sleep I can remember her having.  

I got some energy back, and like Cinderella, I had to go back. I poofed to my brother and gave him a hug. I hugged his crew - our crew. These guys were my brothers too. They knew I was there... just didn't know how to say or do anything that didn't make them sound crazy. I poofed to my friends, the few I kept up with at school.  I scared one of them - he used to tease me about the fact I was dying. I may or may not have done something that may or may not have made him pee his pants. The longer I'm in your realm, my old realm, I figure out more to do. Maybe the Halloween my brother turns 17 (2020), I'll be able to show up not only to him, but my family... Especially my mama.

My first time as a ghost wasn't half bad. I got to see my people. It's a much different view from the realm I used to live versus the paradise I'm in now.

*Submitted to Reedsy 10/23/2020

*Edited for clarity 10/26/2020