The Boy Who Committed Suicide

It was the day of my result. Once again it was the same. I FAILED. No, I was not disheartened. Heartless people don’t get disheartened.

Till last night, a wounded, broken heart was there but today’s result didn’t let it exist.

I had to do something. After killing my heart ,it was occupying my mind now. I was unable to breathe. I wanted to be out of it.

I went to my grandmother’s room. She was sleeping. Slowly, I picked up the tablets and came back to my room.

One sleeping pill for each reason – so I started.

Fell in love – one

Proposed to her – two

Didn’t get bored and continued the relationship – three

She broke up – four, five, six

Her next boyfriend -not my mistake but -seven

I blackmailed her and told her parents about her past and present – eight

She slapped me in front of all – nine

Failed once- ten

Failed twice – eleven

Failed today too – no tablets left

Still I continued

My parents’ disappointment , wasted money, wasted time..

I counted till I lost my consciousness.

When I opened my eyes and looked around to see whether I’m in hospital or hell. I couldn’t even imagine to go to heaven.It was a known place. Oh! It was my room. I didn’t die after eating 11 sleeping pills.

I got one more reason to die – I failed in dying too.

Next four days were the toughest days of my life.I was completely out of my senses.

I forgot to feel, hear and see. I sat for hours in bathroom and came back without taking shower. Somethings I did were just so embarrassing. Those days made me realise what drug addicts feel when they don’t get it.

Well! On the fourth night I gathered the courage to speak to her and tell her about how important she is to me.

I called her up. It was engaged. I opened Facebook to see her pictures as I deleted just everthing related to her to get rid of her thoughts.

I read lots and lots of congratulations on her timeline. Then I got to know that not only her phone but she too got engaged. And then I saw a picture of her with her boyfriend, now her fiance.

I couldn’t bear anymore and tears came out of my eyes and fell on the phone screen . It made the face of her fiance invisible.

I imagined myself behind the invisible face. She looked beautiful. I smiled. Once again some tears fell down.

I touched her cheeks . Touch of my finger wiped off the screen and once again I could see the face of her fiance.

This time tears didn’t come out. I became frustrated and angry. I became insane.

I threw the phone on the floor. All the parts of it separated but the screen was still unbroken.

I took a few steps again to pick the phone but before I could throw it again , my parents came in.

‘What was this noise of? ‘ My father spoke in high pitch.

I kept quiet.

‘What did you do? ‘ He again asked with even higher pitch.

To reply to his question, once again I slammed it into the floor, this time even more forcefully.

He slapped me . I couldn’t feel anything.

I kept looking into his eyes (I was supposed to look down after I was slapped). He slapped me harder. I looked into his eyes and laughed. Trust me I laughed harder than his slap.

He had fear in his eyes. Fear of an insane son. They left the room.

I overheard my mother crying. My mother must have overheard me laughing.

I went to washroom , took a blade and cut my nerves. I laughed with each cut . This time I didn’t count but made sure that these are more than the pills, enough to kill me. With each cut my pain was disappearing. No, it didn’t heal but it set me free. Free from all the failures. Free from this life………

I opened my eyes. I turned around to see whether I again failed. It seemed different. It looked beautiful but it was neither my room nor hospital.Finally I succeeded.

I was a boy , the only son of my parents, the only brother of my sister. I was a boy who committed suicide. I was a boy who died..

While I was trying to confirm where I was, a man in white clothes came near me. He looked beautiful. No, I didn’t mean handsome but beautiful.

‘Hello, young soul’, he said to me.

Soul! I heard young boy but this ‘young soul’ was new to me. It meant I had died. Finally! I must have been happy but I didn’t feel anything.

‘Who are you?’I asked. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

‘That doesn’t matter. In your words you can call me an angel’. I looked at his face. It was glowing. He was absolutely beautiful.

I swear, I felt like looking at him more than I felt like looking at ‘her’.

‘So you are an angel. This means you have so many powers.’ Without wasting much words I asked in a low voice.

‘What powers?’ He asked.

‘Can you please omit all the memories from my brain?’ Saying this I thought about my brain and realised I shouldn’t have any brains. It must have been burnt in fire at my cremation. I felt bad for my body and brain. I missed them.

Suddenly I recalled what I did to my phone’s body and brains. I smiled this time thinking about my phone’s cremation twice.

‘Why do you want to omit the memories?’

His question brought me back.

‘Because I want everyone’s thoughts to be out of my mind. ‘ I don’t know why I felt bad saying this.

‘Yes, you want to be out of just everthing but what about those who remain alive after you? ‘ His question was to make me feel guilty but I didn’t.

‘They’ll forget me soon. They were not happy with me anyways.‘ I felt bad . I missed them , may be. I felt worse at the thought of missing them.

I kept sitting there for long. I didn’t feel tired. I felt happy with the idea of not appearing in any exams, not waiting for my girl to come back, not caring about what my parents expect.

Suddenly I heard a voice. A slow sad voice. I looked around but there was no one.

After a few seconds , I again heard the same voice. It sounded like my mother’s voice. She was crying and calling me. I couldn’t stop myself to follow this sound.

I reached a place which was like a mini river. It was flowing. It looked divine. I went closer and sat there. Voice became louder and clear. And what I saw then was…horrible.

I saw my mother crying hard. My father was standing besides her. She was continuously calling my name in her half-conscious state.

It was really difficult for me to see her like this. I had tears in my eyes. She lost her consciousness. A nurse came and took her inside the room. I guess they were in hospital.

My sister was not there. May be she was still angry. I behaved really bad with her. I missed those fights but I was sure she would never miss such a bad brother who never cared for her sentiments and always dominated her.

I remembered our most common fight over remote. She always wanted to watch music channels and I used to snatch remote from her and enjoyed cricket. Cricket became more enjoyable after conquering the remote from her. I missed her and her favourite argument ‘Is there your name written on the T.V.?’ .

My father came back in the corridor. I wished I could zoom it and see his eyes. He was a tough man and I had never seen tears in his eyes . ‘Had he cried on my death?’ I thought.

He sat on one of the adjoined chairs. I could see him continously. He took his wallet out and saw something. He kept looking at it for a few seconds and then lifted up his face.

Shit! He had tears in his eyes. He was trying to stop them from falling down by lifting up his face.

Oh! I felt like dying (yes I felt that even after dying actually).

He suddenly stood up and ran towards the end of corridor. This time the screen too moved keeping the focus on my father. He went to washroom.

There was no one else in the washroom. He stood with his back touched to the wall and broke down. I couldn’t believe it but he actually broke down. Then again saw the wallet, embraced it and again cried. This time he sat on the floor and kept his wallet on his lap.

Thats when I saw my picture in it. I never knew he could keep my photo in his wallet. I never gave him a reason to be happy.

I felt guilty. I felt like consoling him. Tears fell down in the water. This time my tears couldn’t fade a crying father’s image on screen.

He wept, sobbed and cried hard. The toughest man on the earth cried.

I ran away from water. I wanted to be out of it. I didn’t want to be sad now. I had left my life far behind. I promised myself not to come near water……

Next morning when I woke up, the angel was sitting besides me. It was beautiful. So many flowers were there. Different colours of flowers anyone can imagine.

Angel looked even more beautiful among those flowers. He looked like a flower – Fresh and blooming.

‘Do we sleep even after death? ‘ I asked still hypnotised by the beauty.

‘We do but those we left behind can’t’ , he said with an upset voice and made me remember those whom I had left behind.

I felt bad for missing them once again.

‘Did you see them?’ He asked looking at me.

‘Hmm..‘I replied looking at the flowers to avoid eye contact. I couldn’t say more as my throat was chocked.

‘Do you wanna see anyone else’? He asked again after a few seconds.

‘No’ I replied not looking at him. I couldn’t dare to look at him.

For the next 5 minutes or so I kept looking at the flowers. I couldn’t figure out whether to avoid eye contact or because it was really mesmerising.

He broke the silence by asking,’ which one do you like the most?

Thankfully he asked a simple question this time. I pointed out my finger towards a white n purple flower which was shiny bright like a star. I don’t know how much a star shines but I can bet it was shinier than a diamond.

‘You know , this flower takes so much of time to be the shiniest. ‘He too was looking at the flower now.

‘Hmm… I could expect. It is beautiful.’ I was mesmerised with the shine.

‘Sometimes the garderner asks not to water this plant as it takes years to blossom’ he said with concern on his face like a grandfather.

‘Stupid he is. How could one leave such a beautiful flower, specially when he knows it will be the best after some years.’

I said wholeheartedly. I was really hypnotised.

‘Hadn’t you done the same?’ Again a tough question which worked like a hypnotism breaker.

I looked at him. There was something in his eyes that made me feel uneasy. His eyes scribbled on my forehead ‘STUPID’.

I don’t know whether I had a heart or not but I felt like it skipped a beat.

‘ I had strong reasons which compelled me to end my life.’ I advocated myself.

‘And what were they? ‘ he asked intriguing.

‘Thats personal but just to let you know even 11 sleeping pills fell short for the reasons.’ I defended .

He laughed for the first time. It was the most sarcastic laughter I had ever heard.

‘Only two reasons – result and the girl.’ He said very calmly. My eyes broadened. He knew everything.

I felt embarrassed. Yes, actually in the whole list there were only two things. Did I exaggerate then? Just 2 reasons!

‘Okay. Only two reasons but these were big. It was not the first time I failed.’ 

‘Yes, it was your third attempt . You know for everything number of attempts are fixed’, he said and trust me I saw a divine light on his face.

‘Really’ , I could believe just everthing he said. ‘Then in which attempt I could clear it? ‘ I was curious to know.

‘That depends but suppose it was as far as seventh attempt. Was it still too far in a life of so many years? Specially when you had come as near as third one, only four were left. Was it worth sacrificing millions of moments? ‘ With each word his face was lightning up more.

He continued, ‘ Every failure is like a milestone crossed which tells about you how much is left now.’ His face looked like the white and purple flower, the shiniest.

I felt like a loser. I had always counted number of failures and not the milestones crossed. But I didn’t rest my case so I asked with full confidence ‘Okay , I agree but what about the second reason. Do you really think I should have attempted even after her engagement? ‘

He closed his eyes . Now his face resembled the divine water – flowing still calm. Without opening his eyes he spoke , ‘ not everthing is meant to stay. Not everyone you meet is destined to be there with you forever. ‘ He took a pause. I wanted to ask then why god sent her to me ,but couldn’t dare to blame god in front of his angel.

To my surprise he spoke,’ To teach you , to make you stronger so that when you find your soulmate you could realise why it didn’t work with anyone else. ‘ He opened his eyes . His eyes were pure . Pure like a mother’s prayer for her child.

Suddenly I missed my mother. He was right. Just one moment , just one effort may be just one more attempt and the flower of my life might have blossomed. My life too had been shinier than a diamond. I regretted, extremely regretted but didn’t say anything . I had died and it was the only truth.

‘Do you want to see anyone ? This is the last chance you have. After this you will not be here. ‘ His words frightened my soul .May be it was my transit period and then I would be in hell. My heart sank.

‘I didn’t see my sister last night . Can I see her?’ I was as fearful as I could be.

I wanted to see her smile for the last time.

We went near water again and it started.

She was in my room . I could see her from back. She had collected all the pieces of my phone and kept them in a box. I regretted all the moments of fights and misbehaviour.

She then went to the hall, picked up the remote with trembling hands and switched on the TV.

‘ Thank god she is at least happy . Now she will watch songs , her favourite ‘, I told the Angel with pride. He didn’t say anything.

She pressed three buttons and here it was……. cricket!!! She was watching cricket , she hated! 

I couldn’t understand anything. 

She stood up, torn out a paper from some diary on the table and wrote something on it. I couldn’t see. Then she pasted it on TV . It was……… ‘Manas Bhaiya‘. She wrote my name on TV!! I recalled ‘ Is there your name written on the T.V? ‘

It was awful. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I was crying when she had actually written my name on it.

Then she put the diary on her lap and wrote something. This time the angel zoomed it.

‘ Bhaiya please come back. I promise I’ll never touch the remote . This TV belongs to you. Just everything belongs to you. Please don’t leave us . I beg. ‘ In between those sentences were marks of tears which faded some words.

I couldn’t see anymore. I hugged him and sobbed.

‘ I am sorry’ I said. ‘ I shouldn’t have done this. I could have cleared next time. They loved me even without being successful. I never realised. ‘ 

I sat on knees and continued , ‘ I was a fool . I couldn’t realise what I had and just ran after what was not mine. I’m sorry I couldn’t value my life. Not everyone gets this life. I have killed three more lives. Please let me go . I beg.’

‘Do you wanna see that girl? Its time to go now‘ he said and held my hand .

‘No. I just want to go back to my family. I know had I been alive, god would have gifted me someone who really loved me.’

He smiled and said ,’Time to go now’.

After a week :

‘Thank you for saving my life doctor’, I spoke in a low voice with half eyes opened,‘I know everyone say it was a miracle but I know you saved me.’

Doctor smiled and said ,’ Yes it was not a miracle. You were not destined to succeed in second attempt’.  

I was stunned. How could he knew it? I looked at his face opening my eyes to the extent possible. His smile had the same glow. I don’t know whether it was the effect of hallucination or something else , I saw the angel in him.

I slept again and saw the angel in my dream.

‘Do you want me to omit all the memories by magic?’ He looked divine.

I replied,

‘No, let them be in the flowing water so that whenever I think of attempting once more, they hold my hand and say ‘its time to go‘.