Not Yet

What does he want? I mean can’t you take no for an answer. I yelled at the phone.

Just seeing his call makes me feel good on the inside. He doesn’t know it, but I think about him often. This man has been somewhat after me for 30 years. We have this bond, this tie that binds us. I have never been able to shake it.

“Let me block his number. Well if I do that I can’t see when he calls.”

Ever since I had a heart attack back in September 2019, he has been calling and texting. When he first heard, he said, “I thought I had lost you.”

“Please, it wasn’t like you would be flying up here”

“I would have drove”

“Listen, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you ever loved me, you would have resolved this between us 20 years ago.”

There you go, who keeps up with their 30-year crush?

We were in love though. Or shall I say I was, more than I loved myself. We met in college, where he was my friend, my lover, my confidant. We did everything together. I got into trouble and moved away, he moved on and married 3 others. Had 5 kids from his wives and he wants to know why I am so hostile, that was supposed to be me. Now 8 kids later, he wants to come back my way.  I used to get upset on our periodic visits.

In 2017, he asked me to marry him I told him no. “You are old now; those women took the best years of your life.” He laughed, “no they haven’t. I still have a few good years left”

We laughed together but that conversation turned left when he couldn’t persuade me to move back to Florida. I had never seen him so angry. He said, “you can’t move back or you won’t move back?” I hung up the phone.

I brought him back into my life this time, I mean I did call him first when I was admitted to the hospital. I was so scared. Somehow after all those years, his voice still calms me.  This was my fault.

And now, he is calling again. Maybe I should just save myself the agony and pick up the phone. 

Me calling him to tell him I had a heart attack may have been too much for him. He told me last year that his girlfriend died of cancer. I felt sorry for him. It was actually the first time he had ever admitted to having a girlfriend or a wife until after the fact. 

I know the kind of man he is. He can’t be without a woman in his life. A real player with 8 kids and 5 baby mamas. Whew! That’s a lot to handle, but he is worth it. I just can’t move and uproot my life; we haven’t been together in 30 years. I can’t seriously be going through this in my mind.

So, I let the phone ring a few more times. I started to think about our walks around campus and long talks over the phone. I use to sneak him in my dorm room, even if it meant possibly getting kicked out of college.  We BOTH did stuff that would have jeopardized our future lives.

Over the years he would make frequent trips to my hometown and we would be together, but then he would leave and disappear. I never knew all those times he was married to different women. He claimed he was on his way to visit his family while on “leave”, I believed him and entertained him for the short time I had him. I learned to be satisfied with just the once a year visit. One time after my divorced, I seriously thought about moving to the 305, but on a visit, he wouldn’t let me come to his house or know his address. I couldn’t take the secrecy anymore. What was he going to do, set me up in a condo across town? While his family lived in the house with the pool. He told me one time that his wives would curse him at the mention of my name. They finally told him, “we are not Michelle”

I can’t answer this phone. I closed the door on that chapter in my life a long time ago and I promised myself that I wouldn’t keep pining over a fantasy of what could have been. Yet, I still remember him and that’s serious.

After about 8 calls, the ringing stopped and I felt a sign of relief, but curious. My phone made a funny noise, indicating a voicemail. I pushed to hear his voice and there was nothing, about 10 seconds of heavy breathing.

I contemplated calling back, but thought that this may be another rouse to toy with my life. I am getting better and trying to move on.

I went on that night knowing that he wouldn’t call. Over the last few years, he only called in the daytime during work hours. That’s how I put together that he lived with someone, but he wouldn’t ever admit it. All in all, I went to sleep t

hat night relishing that he still desired me.

Starting at 8am, the phone calls continued. This time I answered. To my surprise, a woman was on the other end. A tearful woman. 

She called me by name.

She said that she was Bernard’s girlfriend and after going through his things, she found a second cell phone in a shoe box underneath the bed. The phone was not locked so she looked through the contacts. She could not believe all of the women Bennie had in his phone. She said that after the will was read, she wanted to know who this woman he referred to in his will as “the only woman I ever loved, Michelle”

She was desperate to find this woman because she held the key. I asked her, “what key?” The woman said, you had the key to his heart. I was his girlfriend, but I knew he would never love me like he loved you.”

I felt so bad for a minute. Then I said, WILL?” What happened?” She said, he had a heart attack a few months after you. I have been calling you for months. Let me give you his attorney’s information so you can handle your business”

I told her, “thank you”

I guess he did love me and as I sit now as a millionaire, I will never forget it.